Find Someone Discreet
If you are gonna be cheating, get it right. You need to cheat with someone who will not say word one to anyone about it. Orphans with self esteem issues are the prime candidates, but any woman who is ashamed to be seen with you in public will do in a pinch. Movie stars, CEOs, Lindsey Lohan, anyone underage or anyone with a modicum of taste and self respect all fit the bill here.
Start Working Harder
Look, the number one excuse for slipping away for a few hours to slip it to someone else is work. You know what, amateur boy? If you want that as an ironclad excuse, you are gonna have to pull some genuine overtime. Suddenly starting to work late, with no increase in your pay check and disposable income, simply ain't gonna cut it. Besides, you are going to need the extra cash anyway, so you may as well build up a cushion in advance.
Build Up Some Credit
If you suddenly stop
admiring your partner and giving her a good time once a month or so,
she is going to get really, and justifiably, suspicious. I know it is
difficult to have sex when you just have had wild monkey sex with
someone turns you on like a 1000 Watt bulb, but sometimes you gotta
take one for the team. Otherwise you are gonna be busted faster than
Chris Hansen can say "take a seat over there" to a scumbag.
Keep Your Damned Mouth Shut
Water cooler, your friends in the bar, your brother, readers write. No one must know. I don't care how much you want to flaunt your virility, you are not Silivo Berlusconi, so stop trying to act like him. You are Mike from Accounts, overweight and wheezing if you have to walk more that 10 steps. And not a single one of your friends or colleagues can keep a secret worth a damn.
Ignore Your Phone
If your phone rings in the evening and you lunge at it like a cop lunges at the last donut in the shop, you are simply not cut out for cheating. Ignore it. Carry on chatting with your partner as you watch TV or do the dishes. The phone can wait, can't it? You are spending time with your beloved, and nothing else should matter. Or better still, simply turn the damned thing off! If you really want to ramp it up to 11, have your mistress send you some completely harmless, work related texts, and keep them on your phone, to set up an innocent excuse as to why you have to take the call at 1 AM.
Your Credit Card Is Your Enemy
Nail this idea down. Never, ever, ever pay for anything in a traceable way, as that will come back to bite you with razor sharp teeth when you least expect it. After all, can you guarantee you are the only one who looks at your bank and card statements? If you believe you are, I have a bridge to sell you: one previous owner, some renovation required. You still have to deal with gifts, hotel rooms, damage deposits to hotel rooms, so the big rule is always use cash or a prepay card with no statements or connection to your home. And don't try to use the corporate card either - your boss will definitely not be impressed, especially if he is backing you up on the overtime claim.
Accept No Gifts
You are a guy. Your idea of high
fashion is matching the stains on your shirt with the stains on your
tie, and spraying some deodorant on your socks before you put them
back on.
Your squeeze is going to want to buy you the odd thing, like a pair of pants that fit, or aftershave that actually suits you. Do not permit this to happen, ever. Believe me, your partner knows exactly what is in your wardrobe, exactly what jewellery and aftershave you have, and, most importantly, that your taste in clothing is whatever she decides. She gets suspicious enough if you show any glimmers of taste while she is dragging you around the mall, without you showing up at home wearing something she definitely did not approve the purchase of.
Denial Is Not A River In Egypt
You will be accused of having an affair if you are or not. The code for this is is either "being distant" or "we never talk any more" or "you cheating scum, I have the photos." Don't panic. Firmly deny distance and apologise for work getting in the way of your relationship. Go on the attack on the talking code by saying that she never wants to listen. Quietly put your shoes on and get ready to run for the last one, cause you have been busted.
Of course I don't want my significant other to cheat, but having experienced the embarrassment of having everyone know he's cheating on me because he practically flaunted it, I consider it a courtesy that a man at least cheats with discretion. No one wants to hear everyone they know whispering about there partners new girl friend and them clamming up in an awkward stilted silence when they suddenly realize you're within ear shot. It might sound sort of old fashioned or sexist to say there's a better way to be cheated on, but it's one thing to find out your partner cheated, it's another to realize that no only did they cheat but they're an idiot about it too.
Wait did I read this right? Are you actually writing an A-Z on how to cheat? I'm so disappointed by you, this blog and this website. Count yourself minus a fan.
Guessing you missed the tags on this one.
Ooooh. Apologies for jumping the gun, was confusing at first. Having got up early to watch the rugby this morning, reading your blog post during half time I missed the tags. I have now re-read this in an ENTIRELY different tone.
It's cool. My sarcasm is normally pretty dry.
Every one of these headers is a question in the last month. I seriously don't get cheating, but it happens so people may as well know the warning signs.
More importantly, acknowledge, pay attention to, and follow up on these signs! No matter how much you trust your partner, even if your trust in him is implicit, do NOT ignore these signs!
I actually said to myself, "If it were *anyone* but HIM, I'd swear he's having an affair." Well, it wasn't anyone but him, he was having an affair, and though he did a pretty good job at hiding it for a few months, all it took was one slip and he was BUSTED. Had I not only known what signs to watch for (which, sadly, I did), but also taken heed and confronted the signs that he DID display, I'd have caught him before he even got the opportunity to act on it.
Trust me, no matter how much you trust your partner, do not EVER ignore blatant signs, or even the subtle ones! Always confront it face on. As I've learned the hard way to come to say, "The worst that can happen if I am wrong is that I am wrong. The worst that can happen if am right, however, has a much higher price."
You've done a good job of taking the glamour out of it and making it sound not at all worth it. Pure brilliance.
Love your writing style MM :)
This was a fantastically hilarious read with my cup o' joe first thing on a Sunday morning. Enjoyed it thoroughly-great stuff MM.
Funny thing is, if this advice was used the couple would probably be entirely ok and there would be no reason to cheat! lol
"If you are gonna be cheating, get it right. You need to cheat with someone who will not say word one to anyone about it. Orphans with self esteem issues are the prime candidates, but any woman who is ashamed to be seen with you in public will do in a pinch." ... loved it, MM! I laughed all the way through this read -- great job!