"You are such a great climber"
"You are so, so strong for holding that cup by yourself"
"You are so good at running, you can be in the Olympics"
"You are like Alicia Keys, when you play Mary Had a Little Lamb"
But as we get older, we realize, this was a form of ego
building necessary for our development and sense of self. As we enter grade
school and look around, we are confronted with some hard realities. "Wow,
Jamal runs 4X faster than me?" "If
I'm such a great singer why does Julie always get the solos?" "If I'm 'the most handsome little devil in
the world' how is it I can't get a date to the Valentine's Dance?" "And Hey,
how could I be "the next Einstein" and also be in Remedial Math?"
And so we make peace with our strengths and limitations. We
make peace with the fact that we aren't all great at everything. We make peace
with reality in all aspects, but one. Sex. For some reason, we think we are all
good at sex. I'm not saying we all have 9-inch penises and perfectly shaped
breasts (separately), but nobody really raises their hand to say "you know
what, I suck at sex."
I find that interesting. It's like that Seinfeld joke that
everyone seems to think they go to "the best doctor" or their doctor graduated
at the top of their class. Surely all the doctors didn't. Surely some of us go
to favorite doctors who actually suck or are at least completely mediocre.
We've all had bad sex, yet who is to blame? It seems it's
always the partner, right?
Occasionally we will admit it, I'm brand new to this. Or,
I was too drunk and couldn't get hard. Or, I couldn't get wet. I was sick. I
was too in my head, but for the most part
we treat our sex style like we are infallible 3 year olds. Surely my oral prowess was
good enough. It's that frigid vagina that can't orgasm. Blame her and her vagina!
Maybe it's too painful for most of us to admit it. Maybe it's too hard to quantify because
what works with one partner might not work with another. Either way we are a
species convinced we're all good in the sack. We pat ourselves on the ass and
pass the F8ck buck to the other person.
I will not finish this article, with a call to action: Who
sucks at sex? I will only ask anyone reading this to comment whether or not,
until now they've considered themselves to be good in bed.
So let's hear it.
I'll be waiting....doing crunches, squats, and Tantric stretching whilst
stroking my own ego.
Well as the first to comment at this, I will proudly say- I probably suck at sex. Why? because I'm a virgin. By choice. And when I do decide to have sex- I will probably not know what to do, laugh when weird noises occur and spend more time thinking about how I look rather than how I feel. But I will also be with someone who loves me and is comitted to me, and won't blame me or make me feel bad or make it seem as though I am wholly less great of a person because I didn't utterly blow his mind. But you know what I'm really great at? I'm a fantastic friend, I have a great sense of humor, heck I know I'm cute, I'm a great artist and I'm pretty darn smart. I think those things will ultimately outweigh the sex part {until someday when I have had so much sex with that special someone I will know ALL the right buttons to push and he will finally think I rock at it!} This is interesting though- we live in a society where EVERYTHING is about sex. No wonder we all want to be good at it- we are led to believe it is somehow the most important thing.
We have pretty much the same answer, but you worded it way better than I would have been able to!
I'm another virgin by choice, and if I could heart this comment more than once I would. You said everything I wanted to say, more eloquently than I could've.
I'm fantastic at foreplay, but still not the best at sex. At least, I don't think so. But if nothing else, I give awesome head. So that's something, right? Right. That takes some talent, ya know?
Bad at sex. I try, a girl gets points for enthusiasm right? Maybe...? Anybody?!? I think I hear crickets.......I'm terrible at oral, only got a guy off that way once, and it took forever, and alot of coaching on his part, and I've never been able to recreate that success. I am also awkward and clumsy, and tend to make an idiot out of myself. I have had one good sexual partner who made me feel good about myself in bed, but it was him, he was good and good at making a girl feel good. Usually sex just makes me feel inadequate. And trust me, this isn't me trying to say "Hey look I'm different! The exception to the rule!" Nope, it's just honesty, my ex actually asked me to "please, stop trying to give me head".
i totally agree its just that elusive element that cant be defined which makes things good or bad
Wow. I have never had anyone make any not nice comments. I have had men give me positive compliments which excited me and made me think I was good. I have been told by some men it was great.
I have had the same experience with men. There have been and they were awesome and it was a whole lot of fun. I have also been with men who really weren't that great. But it was more than that. I didn't like the smell of the person and I didn't like they way they moved their body. I am sure this is TMI, but I think being good or bad has to do with that elusive chemistry/physics/connection that we just have with certain people.
It cannot be explained. It is just there. But I do like to believe the positive comments I have recieved ;-). Tee hee.
I've only been with one person so far...and he never said anything. No joke. He didn't tell me I was good. He didn't tell me that I should do this or that. Although he did say to avoid the head (lol) and to not squeeze his balls. But other than that, I am no more prepared for the next guy than I was when I had no experience whatsoever. How unfair.
I know I'm terrible at sex. I've only had sex with one guy and that was about 3 years ago! I know it's kind of pathetic. My ex always said it was his fault cuz he's so small, but I was just so inexperienced that I'm pretty sure it was me. There have been 2 friends who have expressed interest in sex with me, but I'm always hesitant because I think I'm so bad and I don't want to lose them as friends. They say I'm pretty so they don't think I can be bad, but I tend to disagree.
I can honestly say that it's all a matter of who you are I've had girlfriends that I've left extremely satisfied, a few of which still look me up any time they're single to see if I'm game (I'm not, happily coupled up!)... and I've had a few where things never quite clicked and sex was mediocre at best. Of course, being a guy sex is a bit like pizza - even when it's bad it's good. :)
I think I'm pretty good in bed, so I'll just get that out of the way.
But I wanted to say something about this article--I don't think it's actually good for kids to be constantly praised for doing menial things. I've read some psychologist's research that says that it actually ends up harming kids' confidence to say "good job" every time they do something.
Not that parents should never praise their kids or pay attention to them, but instead of saying "you're the best climber ever!!!" parents should say something like "You climbed it!" drawing the kid's attention to his own efforts rather than falsely praising him.
Just some thoughts.
Einstein failed math in school... just sayin'
OH,YES,ONE IS VERY MUCH IS!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS,THAT I WANTED TO B--T HIS A-------!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm a little unclear on whether I'm good in bed. I've had a few guys basically tell me that I was awesome, but that was a number of years ago, and then I had an 8-month dry spell. My last boyfriend tactfully made it clear that I'm not so great at oral, but he said that his previous, more experienced girlfriend was better but also didn't do much for him that way, so it could be that oral just isn't his bag. My current partner isn't complaining, but he's not exactly praising me, either. Like I said, confused.
The guys I've been with - all decent, but let's face it, some are better than others. I'd say that the good partners are the ones who are focused on my pleasure and/or mutual pleasure and who are eager to learn how to satisfy me if their technique isn't already great.
I'm terrible at being on top during sex. And giving oral. But that's okay because I'd much rather do it doggy style or give a handjob any day :)
I think it mostly just takes practice and a partner you know and trust and love. I was a virgin with my current fiance and i wasn't that great at first (and still have some things to work on) but over time, we both got a lot better. I used to be terrible at oral but through some coaching and trial and error, i got really really good at it. you just have to keep trying and make sure you're comfortable with the person you're with
I honestly think it has to do with confidence. if you feel insecure in bed your partner can feel it and they start to feel uncomfortable. and uncomfortable sex is bad sex
I believe it has to do with chemistry and confidence. Some guys weren't my cup of tea...I wasn't for others. My current boyfriend and I have amazing chemistry, which makes it all 100% better.
That, and cosmo magazine strangely has good advice sometimes...
Hold up -- I don't like everyone being so hard on themselves here! Confidence is more than half the battle!! If you want to improve your skills, do a little research (books, filmstrips, etc.) and ask for feedback. But giving up or saying you suck (ahem) is not going to improve your skill set.