When something unsexy happens, my genital organs play taps and its lights out. This is not opinion but hard scientific fact. Here's another scientific fact: I invented the word "sexxxy." I was the literary powerhouse who put those two extra x's into the word "sexy." Like, way back in the late 90's when I also invented the sex position "the reverse cowgirl power squat."  This is why I am a relationship expert/guru/coach. I am also a certified boner wizard because I have nailed hundreds of thousands of women. But I did not actually use nails. I used my penis.

If you like sex, don't be unsexy. It is that simple. What is unsexy? Allow my vast carnal experience to speak for itself. Everyone is always so concerned with what is "sexy." But I say: figure out what is unsexy, then do the opposite. Bingo! I'm doing this, of course, as a service. This blog post is a noble gift to humanity, specifically women, who I am daintily placing the burden of performance upon. Because let's be honest here... men have plenty on their shoulders. Men have to shave, and build bridges, and chase dangerous mosquitoes with rolled up newspapers. It's only fair that the fairer sex take some responsibility for the quality of our species genetic mandate to multiply. So I will employ the tactics "shame" and "paranoia" that evidently motivate women, if the magazines they read are to be believed. 

One reason women need to be aware of all the ways they are unsexy is because the bar is pretty low when it comes to what makes a man sexy. From what I know, all men have to do to be sexy is shower, wear jeans that fit, and be John DeVore. Oh, and men should have  sense of humor. Which is one of those tropes I read all the time that I don't believe. I think the whole "funny men are sexy" idea was part of a vast mind-control conspiracy invented by the patriarchy, specifically, the fat, bald, and sexually clueless wing of the patriarchy. This notion has been broadcast via magazines and television and in rom-coms for so long, that it is fact. Propaganda repeated enough becomes a deformed sort of truth. But like I wrote, it's easy for a man to be sexy. So long as we don't smell like steamed balls and can safely operate a fork,  it seems like women will continue sleeping with us.

So what's unsexy? I'm glad you asked. A woman who eats soup with her hands is pretty unsexy. Or a woman who dresses like her dad, and her fake mustache tickles when you kiss her. Women on diets that consist of chewing tinfoil are unsexy. Never serve onion salad. I dated a woman once with one hundred and seventy-two stuffed unicorns that were piled on her bed. Un. Sexy. The Klingon language is awesome if you are a Trek nerd, but dirty talking in that intergalactic warrior tongue is not sexy. Also unsexy? Ferret hoarders. Erotic decoupage enthusiasts. Hazmat suit fetishists. Bathtubs full of deviled eggs. Women who knit doll sweaters out of their bellybutton lint are not sexy.

Now that I think about it, there's one other thing that is pretty unsexy about a woman. And that's a woman who doesn't throw Late Night Naked Dance Parties for herself. Because a person who doesn't allow herself to blare Lady Gaga, or Fugazi in my case, and then flap her arms and shake her ass and race the groove flow train to funkytown as naked as a peeled banana is a woman who would probably be most concerned with what is unsexy. A sexy woman... a sexy human person... is a person who wears their skin like a Snuggie. A person who dances when know one is looking, and, late at night, dance when someone is looking. And by "dance" I mean "doing it."