Sex. Sex, you silly, silly women. In the last week, I've gotten at least a dozen questions that read roughly like this:
MICHAEL! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, IT'S ALMOST VALENTINE'S DAY AND I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE GUY I'M WITH! IF I FAIL TO "READ HIS HEART" WITH THE ULTIMATE GIFT, HOW WILL WE EVER ACHIEVE TRUE LOVE?! I WILL DIE IF YOU DON'T SEND ME A LINK TO SOMETHING I CAN BUY.
In the interest of no one dying, here's the link to my sketch troupe's t-shirt store. Knock yourself out.
But to answer your question, have sexual relations with him. Because Valentine's Day isn't about what you get your man, but what you do with him. Or on him. Or with him and an open-minded friend in the bathroom of an Applebee's.
Sex is, frankly, the only thing he really expects of you, and if you fulfill that basic requirement, he's going to forget anything else he was hoping for. Checking in with you emotionally is how we let you know we love you. Checking in with our balls is how you do the same.
Now, I'm not saying not to have a nice day out on the town first, or lavish each other with chalk hearts and body chocolate, but if that body chocolate doesn't get used hard sometime in that 12-hour span, I guarantee you your boyfriend is disappointed.
So this V-Day, save some money and treat your boyfriend to a nice quiet evening inside of you. Honestly, sometimes I forget the V is for "Valentine's."
And don't stress out. The day is supposed to be about you two enjoying each other, like you should be doing every day. Okay, it's actually about bloated greeting card plutocrats cramming their media-mandated concept of romantic love down our throats, but that's no reason not to have sex.
MICHAEL! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, IT'S ALMOST VALENTINE'S DAY AND I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE GUY I'M WITH! IF I FAIL TO "READ HIS HEART" WITH THE ULTIMATE GIFT, HOW WILL WE EVER ACHIEVE TRUE LOVE?! I WILL DIE IF YOU DON'T SEND ME A LINK TO SOMETHING I CAN BUY.
In the interest of no one dying, here's the link to my sketch troupe's t-shirt store. Knock yourself out.
But to answer your question, have sexual relations with him. Because Valentine's Day isn't about what you get your man, but what you do with him. Or on him. Or with him and an open-minded friend in the bathroom of an Applebee's.
Sex is, frankly, the only thing he really expects of you, and if you fulfill that basic requirement, he's going to forget anything else he was hoping for. Checking in with you emotionally is how we let you know we love you. Checking in with our balls is how you do the same.
Now, I'm not saying not to have a nice day out on the town first, or lavish each other with chalk hearts and body chocolate, but if that body chocolate doesn't get used hard sometime in that 12-hour span, I guarantee you your boyfriend is disappointed.
So this V-Day, save some money and treat your boyfriend to a nice quiet evening inside of you. Honestly, sometimes I forget the V is for "Valentine's."
And don't stress out. The day is supposed to be about you two enjoying each other, like you should be doing every day. Okay, it's actually about bloated greeting card plutocrats cramming their media-mandated concept of romantic love down our throats, but that's no reason not to have sex.
Cant wait to make my bitch read this. Then do anal.
Sir, please leave the blog immediately.
Apparently you didn't get the irony. I love my wife. But I wont be a troll. I'll tuck my tail in and leave. Good day sir.
Btw.. I love your work. You should be more popular than you are. Its not fair.
How are we expected to get the "irony" if we don't know you or your wife? I guy who's polite and romantic could be reading this article just as easily as a guy who's a total dick.
"Sex is, frankly, the only thing he really expects of you"
So how isn't anal included in that??
Keep Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'
Keep Trollin' Trollin' Trollin'
Just after I read it I emailed the link to my gf with the quite subtle title: "LEARN!!!". (^_^)
Only truth is spoken in this article, ladies...only truth.
Oh how so very true that all you really need to do is spend even a few hours together and maybe bang it out a bit too ;) my guy has to work on Vday and it bums me that I can't spend the whole day just hittin up the town and then make a home made dinner after (PS This is also a good idea for those who are just starting dating someone or just looking for a nice gesture in general) but we will get to spend a lil time together and that's what counts ^.^
And my man gets plenty of lovin from me all the time anyways hell there's even times I've worn him out so bad he can't do it for a day or two XD
I also agree with what Melanie said to the one guy we don't know you or how you interact with your wife and while a comment like that might be an inside thing with you guys it's not something wise to post around here, also that advice goes for anyone reading ANY article or question. Just keep inside jokes to yourself when they can be perceived as rude or vulgar.
Yes, jokes are highly discouraged. Please bring them to my desk and you can have them back after class. This is not the time nor the place for such tomfoolery.
I'd just like to say that this is not Valentine's Day-specific. It also applies to MLK, Groundhog, Memorial, Flag, Independence, Labor, Columbus, Thanksgiving, and Christmas Days.
But for my birthday, I'd like a watch.
You forgot Easter.
Okay so my bf has two kids, afraid of making more so we a;mpst never have sex, what do I do then?
perhaps find a guy who understands birth control and/or purchase the pills yourself. Or go for a hike. I like hiking on valentines because it avoids the nasty crowds in all the normal spots like restaurants and malls.
Yeah both kids were produced while the mother was on birth control as am I, so that does nothing for his phobia.
Hey Michael, how do I give it to him if he's miles away? Through cyber?
You're welcome to try, but I'll warn you that it takes a lot of confidence, loose inhibitions, and is by no means as fully satisfying as being in the same room together. It's certainly something that's a whole lot of fun, but don't think it's a substitute for physical contact, because it absolutely isn't.