First of all, greetings to all you Guyspeak readers. John DeVore has been forced to return to his home country to free his people from the cruelty of Tyrann the Malicious, so I'll be stepping in while he's away saving puppies and preserving freedom. Good luck, John, our thoughts are with you, but the check contributing to the freedom fund is just lost in the mail, honest. I'm sure it'll show up eventually.
As for me, I must confess I was once a player. Chivalry prevents me from getting into any details, but I dated two girls at once, dumped people via Facebook, forgot to call back for three weeks, and got beaten up by a few excessively large brothers of girls I slept with. I reformed a few years ago when I actually figured out what I wanted in a relationship, which did wonders for actually making one last, and immediately turned all those energies I spent tomcatting to writing. Which is why I'm all over the place, writing for anybody who'll pay me. I'm still promiscuous, I just cheat on my editors with other publishers instead.
I thought I'd start my reign as the Reformed Player with this weekend's number one movie, "No Strings Attached". You're probably thinking "That movie looked terrible" and, rest assured, it is. The cast strives mightily, and Kutcher amazingly can play a character who isn't a douchebag, but still it's the kind of movie written by single people who desperately wished relationships actually worked like this. It does, however, have one good point: it lays out why "friends with benefits" happens, and it never works in the long run.
Here's the thing about sex that too many players forget: it's really, really easy for a lot of people to get emotionally attached to the person they're having sex with on a regular basis, which is probably a good thing for the human species, but makes it difficult to have sex with multiple people or to have a relationship based entirely on sex and nothing else. Sure, it's possible, but it's like other impossible things, say surviving a lightning strike or hitting the lottery: it's dependent entirely on luck and it's probably not going to happen.
So, if someone asks, skip right to the chase and tell him "Let's just be friends." It'll save you time, aggravation, and if you're a guy, discovering her brother really does know Krav Maga.
Welcome Dan! Its nice to know you've changed your ways, and I can't wait to read more of your stuff.
Fascinating. Mine's been going on for two years. I guess that makes me a unicorn.
Welcome Dan!
Great to be working with you again!
I've had fwb multiple times, and each time went somewhere different. One led to my first relationship, and a second time with the same guy brought us back together after a hiatus. (The latter never should've happened.) The next fwb wound up in a big ugly triangle with another female friend that torpedoed both friendships. (I've since rebuilt my friendship with the guy.) The next one was a downgrade from my second relationship, which had never been serious, and he simply dropped the "benefits" but we stayed good friends. The third was intended to be casual dating but involved very little dating, and we simply left each others' lives, no muss, no fuss. I'm sort of doing it again, and while a relationship is definitely not in the cards, I'm not sure what other direction we'll go.
Indeed fascinating.. no luck involved. Two people that know precisely what they want, lay all their cards out on the table and actually have a conversation, a fwb relationship is not only possible it can be a very wonderful experience. I was involved with one for four years; fabulous weekends spent in bed - not a date outside the four walls of his home. Unfortunately I had to relocate and it came to an end - otherwise I am quite certain we would still be spending wonderfully sensual weekends together.
Curious and curiouser... Two mature adults have a friendship along with great sexual energy so choose to explore that together. As long as, everyone knows going in that its simply fwb, accepts the" rules" ( both said and unsaid) of a casual fwb relationship, I think it can be a great experience. The trouble comes when/if one or the other starts to get jealous, possessive or just plain start to "fall..." Being open is key just like any other relationship. Yes, fwb is still a friendship/relationship.
I have had many relationships (typically one primary relationship and many other regular 'play' (sex) partners) with multiple partners that were based on our sexual needs. Never an issue for me but often for them.
Society conditions us (in general) to be exclusive...somehow that never stuck for me. At 34 I am in my first exclusive relationship.
Besides conditioning, some people are simply not skilled at poly. It takes more honest communication, clearer boundaries, more self-reflection. If you tend towards jealousy or insecurity as a rule you'd be better off skipping the ride altogether. Conditioning is not a great reason to be exclusive but character is.