The US Navy is considering lifting the historical ban on women serving aboard submarines. The Navy's top brass want to broaden opportunities for women, who comprise 15% of the Navy's 336,000 members. This ban should not be lifted: nuclear submarines can stay submerged for months at a time, and women should not be subjected to life inside a cramped, pressurized tube full of dudes and their feet. At least on a surface ship, there's plenty of opportunities to inhale refreshing sea air. I write this having never been in the military, partly because I am made out of marshmallows, and partly because strenuous physical exercise could seriously damage my beautiful skin. But many of my family members served, and I have nothing but respect for the service, and to be perfectly honest, my not serving was an act of supreme patriotism. Many years ago, I played a game of paint ball. It was there that I learned that, had I actually enlisted in the Marines as my dad had wanted, I would die the first hour of Boot Camp. I am a born bullet magnet. Gravity and I haven't gotten along since I was five. If I were in a movie about war, like the classic Starship Troopers, I would be the first guy to get diced into pieces by the giant alien bugs.
The United States Armed Forces is better for not having me in it's storied ranks. However, as a citizen of this fine country, I still hold that women and submarines go together like men and midwifery. I am all for gender equality, but there are just some things each gender should not know about the other.
The military bans women from serving on the front lines, and I'm for lifting this ban. Women are an essential part of the armed services. They already bravely serve in combat zones in Iraq and Afghanistan, and are no strangers to risk. Women are just as capable of doing their duty as their male counterparts; regardless of sex, our soldiers are the most professional in the world. I have interviewed plenty of female veterans, and even the tiniest one seemed like she could mulch my grill. But nuclear submarines, the most technologically advanced weapon systems in human history, require hundreds of humans living literally on top of one another for weeks at a time, and at some point, beans have got to be served in the mess. Because dudes love beans.
But if the navy is committed to increasing the role women play in the fleet, how about a compromise? Why not a submarine populated with nothing but women. A steel, underwater phallus of death crewed by women would be a blow against the dread patriarchy. No dude would want to serve on that submersible, even on Bikini Tuesdays.
I think this just goes back to the time where it was believed that having a woman on a ship brings bad luck.
However, I would not want to be on a sub for extended periods of time. Women have enough of a hard time fending off sexual advances from men on land.