Most men think that they are easy to shop for. Most women would disagree. But fear not, because I am here to help.
Here's my gift to you: a handy little list of things you can get your special dude this holiday season. Think of them as gifts with an implied suggestion, each one designed for double duty: to be both a gift and a way of improving your man. Hints, if you will. After all, I'm the Wise Ass, and that's what wise-asses do.
Toilet Cleaning Kit
Let's start with the basics. If you hang out at your man's place long enough, you'll need to use the bathroom. And if his toilet makes the john at Taco Bell look like the Ritz, help a brother out and give him the tools to take care of business. Don Aslett's (whoever he is) 3-piece kit comes with foaming cleaner and a big scrub brush. It also includes a pumice stone for those special,
um, "mineral deposits." $19.75 at QVC.
Here's my gift to you: a handy little list of things you can get your special dude this holiday season. Think of them as gifts with an implied suggestion, each one designed for double duty: to be both a gift and a way of improving your man. Hints, if you will. After all, I'm the Wise Ass, and that's what wise-asses do.
Toilet Cleaning Kit
Let's start with the basics. If you hang out at your man's place long enough, you'll need to use the bathroom. And if his toilet makes the john at Taco Bell look like the Ritz, help a brother out and give him the tools to take care of business. Don Aslett's (whoever he is) 3-piece kit comes with foaming cleaner and a big scrub brush. It also includes a pumice stone for those special,
um, "mineral deposits." $19.75 at QVC.
YourMusic Subscription/CDs
He likes Metallica and Rush. You like things that aren't Metallica and Rush. Expand his musical horizons with a membership to YourMusic.com, a CD club that works like movie rental sites: you fill up a queue with music, and each month the club automatically sends you the next CD on your list. Membership is free, and CDs are always a low $6.99, shipping included. You also get the first CD free, and you can buy any disc for $6.99 at any time. So score him some Muse and Lady Gaga and Green Day to start, then fill up his queue with more good stuff that will magically show up in his mailbox every month. YourMusic.com.
Mangroomer Private Body Shaver
Nobody likes pulling pubes out of their mouth. Well, somebody probably does, but that person is a freak. Dudes are hairy, especially down there, and more guys go au naturel than not. Give your hair-bear the Mangroomer Body Shaver as a not-so-subtle hint that you'd like him to do a little weed-whacking south of the border. With five different settings, it's also great for legs, arms, pits, chest, back, butt and anywhere else you want him to defoliate. Not his face, though, unless he wants to pull pubes out of his mouth. Rechargeable and wet-dry. $38 from Amazon.com.
Massage
Spa certificates aren't just for women, you know. Any guy could use a good massage, but it's not the kind of thing we typically buy for ourselves for fear of appearing metrosexual. That's where you come in. Yeah, you can rub his back, but yours tend to lead to other things. Buy him a good rubdown from a certified massage professional, either independent or through a local spa like Atlanta's Natural Body, where massages start at $50 for 30 minutes. But 30 minutes is just enough to piss him off. Go for the hour. Price and location vary by city, but an hour massage will generally run you $100-125.
The RoMANtics Guide
This just in: being romantic doesn't come naturally to most dudes. We tend to think in terms of the practical, not the symbolic. So do something practical yourself and get him a book called The RoMANtics Guide by Michael Webb, a real-life doctor of love (unlike that liar, Gene Simmons). This handy little tome has hundreds of "unique ideas on gift-giving, creative dating, having fun with food, and all the little things you can do each day for increasing the romantic potential of even the most stoic of lovers." Because love and stoicism go together like peanut butter on a hot dog. Starting at $4.50 + shipping, from Amazon.com.
Sonicare Toothbrush
One time my dentist, admiring my teeth, which I clean obsessively, asked me if I used a Sonicare toothbrush. "No, I have a spin brush." He smirked. "Those are fine," he said, "if you're three." Now I have a Sonicare and I love it. Stained teeth, bad breath, tartar buildup -- whatever ails your man, Sonicare can fix it. Various models starting at $59.99, from Drugstore.com.
Warrior Horse Spray
This one's tricky. Only buy this for him if you've been in a relationship long enough to be completely comfortable and trusting with each other. It's for men who have trouble keeping certain activities, er, going long enough, if you know what I mean, wink wink. Ah, screw it, we're all adults here. It's for premature ejaculation. Put it in his stocking and no other words need ever be spoken about the matter again. He'll know what to do. Hopefully. Just don't be alarmed if he whinnies during sex and wants a sugar cube afterward. $14 from Zooscape.com.
Criterion DVDs
A girl can only watch Field Of Dreams so many times, and his only other DVD is Die Hard 2, which 1) sucked and 2) is on TV almost every night anyway. Get him a gift certificate to Criterion, a company "dedicated to gathering the greatest films from around the world and publishing them in editions that offer the highest technical quality and award-winning, original supplements." Introduce your guy to some of your friends: Kurosawa, Fellini, Truffaut, Kubrick, Woo and more. They also have less haughty fare like This Is Spinal Tap and The Silence Of The Lambs. Certificates available from $10 to $100.
Boot camp
Every guy lets himself go sometimes. Get him back with a stint in a boot camp-style workout designed to whip his butt into shape quickly and without a lengthy membership to a gym, which is so 1996. Classes typically run from two weeks to a month and are available in most major cities at varying prices (9 classes for $250 at Boot Camp Republic in New York City, 12 classes for $180 at Fitness Boot Camp in Dallas). Check your local listings. (I've always wanted to say that.)
Luxury sheets
He wants you to stay over, but you're not so sure about sleeping on those sheets he's had since he first got out of college back in 1998. Let's just say you don't want to run a blue light over them to see what's really there. So do both of you a favor and get him some good bed linens, and I don't mean the kind you find at Target. Go to a major department store like Macy's or Bloomingdale's, where you can spend anywhere from $300 (Macy's) to $700 (Neiman Marcus) or more for a full set of nice, soft, quality sheets. Not cheap, but you can't put a price on good sleep. Or a good shag.
He likes Metallica and Rush. You like things that aren't Metallica and Rush. Expand his musical horizons with a membership to YourMusic.com, a CD club that works like movie rental sites: you fill up a queue with music, and each month the club automatically sends you the next CD on your list. Membership is free, and CDs are always a low $6.99, shipping included. You also get the first CD free, and you can buy any disc for $6.99 at any time. So score him some Muse and Lady Gaga and Green Day to start, then fill up his queue with more good stuff that will magically show up in his mailbox every month. YourMusic.com.
Mangroomer Private Body Shaver
Nobody likes pulling pubes out of their mouth. Well, somebody probably does, but that person is a freak. Dudes are hairy, especially down there, and more guys go au naturel than not. Give your hair-bear the Mangroomer Body Shaver as a not-so-subtle hint that you'd like him to do a little weed-whacking south of the border. With five different settings, it's also great for legs, arms, pits, chest, back, butt and anywhere else you want him to defoliate. Not his face, though, unless he wants to pull pubes out of his mouth. Rechargeable and wet-dry. $38 from Amazon.com.
Massage
Spa certificates aren't just for women, you know. Any guy could use a good massage, but it's not the kind of thing we typically buy for ourselves for fear of appearing metrosexual. That's where you come in. Yeah, you can rub his back, but yours tend to lead to other things. Buy him a good rubdown from a certified massage professional, either independent or through a local spa like Atlanta's Natural Body, where massages start at $50 for 30 minutes. But 30 minutes is just enough to piss him off. Go for the hour. Price and location vary by city, but an hour massage will generally run you $100-125.
The RoMANtics Guide
This just in: being romantic doesn't come naturally to most dudes. We tend to think in terms of the practical, not the symbolic. So do something practical yourself and get him a book called The RoMANtics Guide by Michael Webb, a real-life doctor of love (unlike that liar, Gene Simmons). This handy little tome has hundreds of "unique ideas on gift-giving, creative dating, having fun with food, and all the little things you can do each day for increasing the romantic potential of even the most stoic of lovers." Because love and stoicism go together like peanut butter on a hot dog. Starting at $4.50 + shipping, from Amazon.com.
Sonicare Toothbrush
One time my dentist, admiring my teeth, which I clean obsessively, asked me if I used a Sonicare toothbrush. "No, I have a spin brush." He smirked. "Those are fine," he said, "if you're three." Now I have a Sonicare and I love it. Stained teeth, bad breath, tartar buildup -- whatever ails your man, Sonicare can fix it. Various models starting at $59.99, from Drugstore.com.
Warrior Horse Spray
This one's tricky. Only buy this for him if you've been in a relationship long enough to be completely comfortable and trusting with each other. It's for men who have trouble keeping certain activities, er, going long enough, if you know what I mean, wink wink. Ah, screw it, we're all adults here. It's for premature ejaculation. Put it in his stocking and no other words need ever be spoken about the matter again. He'll know what to do. Hopefully. Just don't be alarmed if he whinnies during sex and wants a sugar cube afterward. $14 from Zooscape.com.
Criterion DVDs
A girl can only watch Field Of Dreams so many times, and his only other DVD is Die Hard 2, which 1) sucked and 2) is on TV almost every night anyway. Get him a gift certificate to Criterion, a company "dedicated to gathering the greatest films from around the world and publishing them in editions that offer the highest technical quality and award-winning, original supplements." Introduce your guy to some of your friends: Kurosawa, Fellini, Truffaut, Kubrick, Woo and more. They also have less haughty fare like This Is Spinal Tap and The Silence Of The Lambs. Certificates available from $10 to $100.
Boot camp
Every guy lets himself go sometimes. Get him back with a stint in a boot camp-style workout designed to whip his butt into shape quickly and without a lengthy membership to a gym, which is so 1996. Classes typically run from two weeks to a month and are available in most major cities at varying prices (9 classes for $250 at Boot Camp Republic in New York City, 12 classes for $180 at Fitness Boot Camp in Dallas). Check your local listings. (I've always wanted to say that.)
Luxury sheets
He wants you to stay over, but you're not so sure about sleeping on those sheets he's had since he first got out of college back in 1998. Let's just say you don't want to run a blue light over them to see what's really there. So do both of you a favor and get him some good bed linens, and I don't mean the kind you find at Target. Go to a major department store like Macy's or Bloomingdale's, where you can spend anywhere from $300 (Macy's) to $700 (Neiman Marcus) or more for a full set of nice, soft, quality sheets. Not cheap, but you can't put a price on good sleep. Or a good shag.
HA! Well, he'd probably appreciate the massage and the Criterion DVDs. I'm not so sure about some of those other things though. I would appreciate him having (and using) some of them a lot more than he would, I think. :-D
I've been looking for a gift idea for my cousin without success, but I think a spa treatment is an exellent idea. I won't spend a 100 bucks for an hour long massage, but something smaller, like a facial or a wax session, sounds like a great gift. Thanks!
I have given massage packages to my husband many times, and he always loves them. You might want to check around though; I've found a chiropractic practice nearby with a great massage therapist and they are much cheaper than salons, and provide more deep-tissue body work. I've gotten him 3-packs of hour-long massages for $120.
True, but they don't offer happy endings.
If they do, I don't want to know about it. The massage therapist is a Mr. Sensitive Pony Tail type.
Van Driessen?
Dammit! The gift I got for my guy isn't on the list. HD flatscreen tv and DirecTv HD receiver. I guess I had better return it in exchange for a toilet scrubber.
Yes, you should. Send me the TV and receiver, and I will donate them to a worthy cause.
Hair-bear. snort! I was going to ask how well the Warrior Horse spray worked for you, but figured that might be rude.
You tell me. You were there.
Cary, you are THE BEST for just posting the PICTURE of Muse's new album. Holy crap. I love them so much. They just scheduled 6 U.S. tour dates for the first half of 2010 and my head almost exploded today as I scrambled to find my credit card to buy tickets. So. I just thought you should know, your reference was appreciated.
These are good gift ideas. I think that RoMANtics book sounds really cute, actually.
Thanks for telling me that a guy would appreciate a massage for a gift. I just purchased a gift certificate for one for my boss who also did me a huge favor this weekend. I know he gets stressed and I see him stretch the same way I do when my back and neck hurt so it should do him some good.
Haha, my boyfriend has actually been saying that he wants the sonicare toothbrush because he was a good liar to his parents as a young boy.
Hey! One of my favorite gifts this year was a book!
The Enemy Papers by Barry Longyear.
Complete Enemy Mine trilogy with Authors excerpts.
So go ahead get him a book, but make sure it makes his inner geek sqwee!
:)
Ack replied to the wrong article. LOL.