What's the best thing about the holidays? Spending time with family. The worst thing? Spending time with family.

You know what I'm talking about. You love your kin and you look forward to seeing them, but the visit often falls short of what you had hoped. Sometimes it's downright catastrophic, with lots of screaming and threats and chairs smashed over each others' heads until somebody has to pull a Glock and fire a shot into the air (this works better outside, btw) to calm everyone the f*ck down.

I've been there. I can help. Because helping is my middle name. Wise Helping Ass. You wanna survive the holidays? Here's how.

Drink. Yes, drink. If your family imbibes at holidays and you feel like you could use a drink, have one. Have two or three if you must, but don't get wasted because then you'll start being honest with people, and honesty is the last thing anybody wants during the holidays.

Lower your expectations. If you head home every holiday expecting a Norman Rockwell experience, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Holidays are stressful. People scramble for weeks ahead of time so they can take time off from work. They travel. They spend money. It's hectic and it's exhausting. I'm not telling you to expect the worst; I'm saying you need to have reasonable expectations of people during this stressful time of year.

Talk to yourself. Keep chanting quietly in your mind, "It's just one day. It's just one day." Or two days or three or whatever your sentence might be, as you silently count down your days to freedom like a prisoner.

Resist the urge to go off. Spend enough time with family and someone will probably say or do something to piss you off. Before you get in that person's face, remember that any scene you cause affects every person there: Mom, Dad, Grandma, Aunt Pookie, the kids, everybody. It also makes you look like an ass. The perpetrator might very well deserve a good verbal smackdown, but save it. For now, just smile and turn the other cheek. You'll get your chance to choke a bitch later.

Sleep. Need a break from the fam? Go to bed early and sleep late. You're always tired anyway, right? Here's a good chance to catch up on some sleep. *Yawn* Oh man, look at the time....

Invite a friend over. Defuse troublesome family members by having someone over who's not family. Even jerks don't want to look like jerks to strangers. They will be on their best behavior and you'll have some moral support.

Don't go. Not everyone should be around family at the holidays. Some families are simply unbearable. If the thought of being with yours makes you want to curl up into the fetal position and suck your thumb, don't go. You're an adult. You don't have to go. Do what you must for your own mental health.


Your turn. What are some coping skills you use during holiday visits with family?

Happy holidays, everyone, and thank you for reading GuySpeak.