The men's room is a delicate and emotionally charged environment. To give you some idea of what I'm talking about, I should first explain that we have things called "urinals," which you would probably assume are some sort of wall sconce. If ever you are conducting field research or involved in a Bosom Buddies-esque gender swap and find yourself in a men's room, DO NOT PUT FLOWERS IN THERE. It's a dead giveaway that you're a newbie. Candles are a gray area.
And this fragile world of pee and poo has its own very specific rules: if at all possible, separate yourself from your neighbor by at least one empty urinal. If this is not possible, and you can't hold it, then stare either straight at the wall while peeing, or down at your own member. Peeking is not allowed, nor is speaking of any kind until both of you have zipped up. Even then, it's best just to make eye contact in the mirror above the sinks and shrug noncommittally.
I'm sure there are guys out there less neurotic than myself, but when I'm hitting the head, if any of these rules are broken, I often literally cannot pee. I'll stare at the tile ahead of me until the offender has left the room entirely, and only then will my sense of personal responsibility (and social awkwardness) allow me to complete my business.
But lately, it seems like everything has changed. More and more, I find friends--and occasionally total strangers--flagrantly abusing the "no talking" rule. In the good old days, my buddies and I could be in the midst of a heated conversation about 7 of 9's techno-boobies, and we'd stop right in the middle of the phrase "racktacular" if we passed through a restroom doorway. We'd resume the conversation only after we were all gathered again outside. Like civilized humans.
Nowadays, there's no telling. Last week someone INTRODUCED THEMSELVES to me at a urinal. Out of the blue. I think he tried to shake my hand, but I can't be sure because I was running out of the room screaming with my pants around my ankles. When did this become okay? Am I the only one this is happening to? I feel like Tommy Lee Jones in No Country, and there's a form of evil on the horizon I'm just not willing to comprehend.
I'm very curious about what etiquette reigns in the ladies' room. I've always assumed its a fecal-tossing, eye clawing free-for-all, but feel free to correct me. And, more pointedly, tell me if you too have been noticing an erosion of the wall of silence that once kept us decent and our children God-fearing. We must all, men and women alike, take a stand in the bathroom (well, women should probably sit) and say "it ends here."
And this fragile world of pee and poo has its own very specific rules: if at all possible, separate yourself from your neighbor by at least one empty urinal. If this is not possible, and you can't hold it, then stare either straight at the wall while peeing, or down at your own member. Peeking is not allowed, nor is speaking of any kind until both of you have zipped up. Even then, it's best just to make eye contact in the mirror above the sinks and shrug noncommittally.
I'm sure there are guys out there less neurotic than myself, but when I'm hitting the head, if any of these rules are broken, I often literally cannot pee. I'll stare at the tile ahead of me until the offender has left the room entirely, and only then will my sense of personal responsibility (and social awkwardness) allow me to complete my business.
But lately, it seems like everything has changed. More and more, I find friends--and occasionally total strangers--flagrantly abusing the "no talking" rule. In the good old days, my buddies and I could be in the midst of a heated conversation about 7 of 9's techno-boobies, and we'd stop right in the middle of the phrase "racktacular" if we passed through a restroom doorway. We'd resume the conversation only after we were all gathered again outside. Like civilized humans.
Nowadays, there's no telling. Last week someone INTRODUCED THEMSELVES to me at a urinal. Out of the blue. I think he tried to shake my hand, but I can't be sure because I was running out of the room screaming with my pants around my ankles. When did this become okay? Am I the only one this is happening to? I feel like Tommy Lee Jones in No Country, and there's a form of evil on the horizon I'm just not willing to comprehend.
I'm very curious about what etiquette reigns in the ladies' room. I've always assumed its a fecal-tossing, eye clawing free-for-all, but feel free to correct me. And, more pointedly, tell me if you too have been noticing an erosion of the wall of silence that once kept us decent and our children God-fearing. We must all, men and women alike, take a stand in the bathroom (well, women should probably sit) and say "it ends here."
Well usually in the ladies' room, women don't really speak to one another unless they know each other and are together (for example: shopping together). Then, depending on the conversation, it might continue unless there's a stranger in the bathroom too. Then it's just awkward and we wait until we've left our individual stalls and are washing our hands to continue the talk.
We might apply a little eyeliner, dash of mascara, and just a brush of lip gloss, but for the most part, we're in and out in no time =]
Thanks for the wonderful post. I always enjoy reading your writing!!
My experience has been that chicks often do talk, especially if their stalls are right next to each other. Now, when it's a cramped/small bathroom with few stalls, there's less chit-chat and more waiting in line, hoping the next available stall doesn't come with the foul stench of poop -- at which point one hold's one's breath so as not to eat said poop-smell.
Personally, I feel like stalls are getting shorter (more space between the floor and bottom of stall divider) and the doors have too wide a gap on either side. This is kind of nerve-racking to me, especially if there's a line waiting that happens to be in my line of sight (when sitting on the toilet). I mean, no one is *supposed* to see through the little crack, but sometimes I get a glimpse of Eye and can't pee anymore. So I try to maneuver in such a way so as to pull my pants up without flashing any flesh at the Eye. I mean, right??? Does any other chica agree with me on this? Don't look at me pee goddammit. Right?
I know exactly what you're talking about! I have no idea why the gaps are so wide in some bathrooms, but it makes me SO neurotic and crazy! I can't pee in that situation, so I just stand there awkwardly and then after about ten seconds I'll flush the toilet, wash my hands, and then run to find another bathroom.
this is so true! I am a New Zealander and was visiting America a couple of months ago and was shocked at how big the gaps are in the door! not that i was purposely looking in but you can accidently catch glimpses of people on the toilet when you walk by it made me feel so uncomfortable
This gace me an image of a Sauron-esque Eye staring down at me while I pee. I think I now have a phobia of public restrooms. Thanks a lot.
"gave", sorry. I was still shivering from that Eye image. (When I close my eyes, I can still see it...)
Haha, yeah, I know what you are talking about. It makes me nervous too. I for one don't really like talking to my friends while I'm in a stall. It's just weird to me.
Sorry if this is repeated; I didn't see my comment posted. I have to agree about those cracks. They make me nervous too. Oh, and stall doors in run down bathrooms (like clubs or bars) that don't fully close but you have to use them because you've had like four beers and can't afford to wait. I'm always so afraid someone will open the door and expose me. And if people ever knock on my stall (in a bathroom or a dressing room) I get really nervous for some reason.
For me, the worst offense is talking on the phone in the bathroom. It's rude to everyone involved!
Girls don't stop talking at the door. The conversation keeps going. Even if only one person has to pee or one person gets a stall the converstaion continues. Sometimes if people are too loud then you'll cut back until you can hear eachother again (referring to loud talkers not pee-ers).
I find - especially in bar bathrooms - that people will talk to people they don't know; nice perfume, shoes, lipgloss; don't worry it'll get better, you'll be fine; there's tissue under your shoe, etc... and if underagers are around RUN! crying & yelling is common & inconsiderate. I mean too much drama, keep it at school or home not near people who don't want to hear about it - especially busy bathrooms where non-highschoolers frequent as well.
As for etiquette talking is ok - especially since we often have to request stranger assistance for tp. The wider cracks bother me too - i don't like seeing people when I'm sitting or walking past a stall in use. I always try to avoid using the stall next to one in use & go for one not in front of a mirror that can see through the cracks. Bar Bathrooms can be hilarious - drunk girls are nice to eachother when boys aren't around & compliments & silliness always = good times
Yeah talking is definitely okay, because we have these lovely little cubbyholes that separate us from each other. As far as bathroom etiquette goes; I do like to practice one thing. It might be a little weird, but if I am alone in a bathroom putting on makeup, per se, and someone walks in to use the bathroom, I like to turn the water on. So that I don't have to hear them pee, and they don't have to feel awkward about me hearing them pee or whatever happens to come about. I know that sounds weird but, there is just something about hearing the echo of some strangers bodily functions that is a little discomforting.
I actually do this in my own house if there are guests over and it's quiet enough for them to hear me pee. OR If I am a guest at someone's place...I don't know, it's rather comforting and lets me...err, get started? haha. Not that I can't pee if I don't run the water, but it's a race to the finish. In sum, PREACH, girl. Preach.
we don't introduce ourselves to some one else in a stall but if its ur friends then ya we talk
Yeah, us girls talk in the bathroom, but only if we know each other or if we're talking to our kids, while we're doing "paperwork." At the mirrors, anything goes. The middle school girl's room was the worst; all the girls in front of the sinks, reapplying their makeup and giving you the glare if you wanted to wash your hands, the "I'm going to kick your ass if you even think of gettting in my way" look.
Aside from junior high antics, for the most part other women are polite but all too willing to talk if we sense that the other needs it. Kind of like we are outside the bathroom. And then there is the occasional hand under the stall wall, asking for paper because the next stall is out. It always reminds me of that hand from "The Addams Family."
Very interesting post, Michael. I have to give you snaps for being unique.
BTW, I was just informed by my mother that one of the higher ups at her job, we'll call him *Anton, violates the said bathroom etiquette in a big way. Evidently Anton will follow his employees into the bathrooms and talk to them, whenever he feels like he has something important to say. I asked, well he is peeing right along side them, while conversing, right? She said no, he just follows them into the bathroom and talks while they pee. Creepy.
That is sooooooooooooooo wrong!
Well lady room rules tend to be keep to yourself and do your own thing and get out of there quickly! The only exceptions are to ask for a female need aka pads, tampons or maybe a diaper for your kid. But seriously if you went in there unprepared you're less likely to get help from gals you didn't know as there's this nifty 25-75 cent machine that is supposed to supply that sort of stuff but oddly is always out :/ So in turn you go back to asking.
You also try to not leave massive stinkers in there as it's rude to everyone else around, unless they're catty broads who are only talking about what they found on the floor then by all means stink them out so you can tend to your business without mindless chats. Um it's also gross to leave your business behind no lady wants her parts hanging out over someone elses business. Toilets can flush atuomaticly and even on a timer but still never hurts to press the button to make sure it's clean for the next person.
Most ladies avoid a stinky restroom UNLESS in dire need so if you notice the ladies avoiding a restroom you men may also not want to walk past as odds are it's very dirty or stinky.
When it comes to chatting yes others can and will overhear most will pay no mind as it's meaningful things but things like finding stuff on the floor or just stupid things will earn you a stinker if anyone has one brewing.
But this is just in my section of the states I'm not sure where it's like much anywhere else but here we tend to respect doing personal business and leave others alone.
I guess I'll be the first to address the classic female pack mentality when it comes to restrooms.
Now, there's your typical herd, where one of our compatriots will announce a need to pee, and the rest of the group will either realize the same desire or will accompany her to the ladies room out of a sense of camaraderie.
Then there's the "bar room effect," an altogether exhibitionist and unsanitary phenomenon. Say we're in line for the bathroom at the bar, and you know how lines get for the womens bathrooms, whether you're at a bar, club, or Disneyland. So, you and your pack of gals, depending on how comfortable (read: nasty) you are with each other, will probably hang back until the handicap stall is open, and bumrush it at once, taking marathon pee turns inside. This effectively allows you to maintain your conversation, and hasten the process of waiting for everyone to finish with their "business," freeing you to return to the festivities sooner.
While I've never stooped so low as to participate in the bar room effect, I've actually seen it happen, in my own apartment no less! My apartment was throwing a party, and there was a line for the bathroom. Suddenly the door flew open, and six girls stumbled out. SIX. My poor toilet. And shower, if we're being totally realistic. So, how's that for your Puritan sensibilities? :P
I dont find it "nasty" to pee in a group. Thats all in your comfort zone, its up to the group in my opinion
I like that your tags read both "evil in its purest form" AND "my own weird hang-ups"...
One time I heard about two girls peeing and talking...on a nature hike in the forest. Like, carrying on a conversation while squatting amid some trees. I don't think this is usual girl practice though. Also, I've never had an appropriate occasion to retell that story until now, so, thanks for the pee-etiquette post, Swaim!
I think in general, most ladies talk while they're waiting or while washing their hands and touching up hair/makeup, but not while in the stall. Also I think it still holds that you talk to people you're with, not random strangers, unless you need help. Or can't resist making a joke about the malfunctioning soap machine. :)
One etiquette problem guys probably don't have is the rude divas who spray perfume and hairspray all over the place, or hog a sink and mirror for half an hour doing their makeup when it's really busy.
What I always find uncomfortable is the mother who brings all her children (boys especially into the one stall and stays for like half an hour disciplining those kids into proper hygene habits. You can't avoid it.
I myself am burdened with a VERY nervous bladder. I generally can't pee in public unless the bathroom is totally silent, or there is no one around.
Of course there are exceptions, if it's a friend in the washroom I'm fine, sometimes we'll even continue our conversation during urination without further incident.
But if'n I'm in a crowded bathroom, standing in line (always waiting for the stall), and I get in there and i can hear the guy grunting next to me, or the inconsistent stream from two urinals down, or just some guy in the bathroom chattering on, I am completely blocked up.
In my experience the women's restroom is a horrible time. 8 times out of 10 there is a line no matter how many stalls are in the facility. Conversation is always going on, whether on the cell phone or with a friend. It smells of several fragrances that girls have showered themselves in. You have to wait to wash your hands because the girl who came out of the stall infront of you needs more eyeliner. Unless that lav-oratory has those almost full length mirrors next to the sinks. One good thing is sometimes there is a couch, I'm assuming for the line. It's really awkward when a girl is crying in the bathroom. Women also dont seem to like disposing female products properly. Also, unless there is a long line of people, several toilets are never flushed. There is water covering the counters. And lastly, it disturbs me to see the amount of women who dont wash their hands
I forgot to mention that once I had to go into the men's room because I was pregnant and desperate and the women's room was locked. I couldn't get over how yucky it looked and smelled!!! Ew! Good thing nobody caught me in there. Even on my worst day, nobody can accuse me of looking like a man. Not to mention that I was about one month away from giving birth at the time. At least there are air fresheners and sometimes plastic flowers in the ladies' room.
I can't pee if there's anyone else in the bathroom. I wait until they leave, or sometimes- if I'm desperate- just until they flush. xD
i like it
Don't feel bad Swaim-baby. It's happened to us all. It's against the rules but, some cultures don't follow suit.
My worst experience... and kind of one of my best experiences. In the three years I lived in Japan. Was when at a club, a man walked up to me while I was mid-stream and stared at my face. He stared for too long and as I was about to finish. Decided to speak, "Otokomae ya ne?" You're a handsome one aren't you?
I cut off the flow and said, Thank you. And left. I washed my hands in good taste drink two beers and proceeded to find the first female that would have me. I understand.
I have a funny story....one time my co-worker and I were attending a conference in a large Conference Center. Somehow, she got turned around and ended up going into the men's bathroom. She used the facilities...and not until she was washing her hands, that she noticed the guy next to her, washing his hands and staring at her...she smiled at him, said, "hello".....then she looked into the mirror and behind her stood a man with his back to her using the urinals......When she came back to our table in the meeting room..her face was so red, and then she whispered the story! We still laugh everytime we go somewhere together....
In my experience, most of the time you don't talk unless you know the person, but sometimes someone will says something to you, like if the other person can use the soap dispenser on your side because their's is empty. But that's usually all! Oh, and I turn on the water when its just two people and I'm at the sink, so I don't hear them pee.I really hate when women get on the phone in the bathroom. Like, can the person on the other line hear people peeing?? It's weird.
One pet peeve I have about restrooms: If you see a person walk into a stall, pause, and then walk back out, by all means, DO NOT GO INTO THAT STALL. There is probably a reason they've vacated, and you won't want to go in there either. I don't care if there's a line. If the stall can't be used, it's not going to make a difference.
Talking is definitely not an issue in the ladies room...neither is adjusting bosoms in front of everyone, or asking complete strangers if one's "ass looks okay in these jeans" I've had a number of women start conversations with me about anything and everything...it's kind of entertaining...but then I also have random strangers yell at me on the street...so...there is that...I'm starting to think there's an invisible to me only sign around my neck that says something along the lines of tell me your life story and take out your frustration with life on me because clearly I can take it....
Talking not only keeps going in the ladies room, but that is where secrets come out. Example: you are in a group and you want to talk about one of the young men present, you go to the bathroom even if you don't have to pee. And if you do have to go, you get a twofer.
I'm totally with you on this one. The bathroom should be so silent that you can hear the toilet paper rustle and the air freshener spraying.
Shoot, don't even make eye contact! Let alone tell me about something whilst holding your junk or dropping a plunk!
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it's kind of entertaining...but then I also have random strangers yell at me on the street...so...there is that...I'm starting to think there's an invisible to me only sign around my neck that says something along the lines of tell me your life story and take out your frustration with life on me because clearly I can take it....
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Am I the only one that becomes uncomfortable at the thought of others hearing me pee in a bathroom? I literally cannot pee if there are other people in the bathroom with me. I don't have anything weird going on, I'm just too uncomfortable that people will hear me pee that I guess it just distracts me too much. Then by that point it's been a rather long amount of time and I either keep trying which doesn't work out and gets awkward as I leave, or flush quickly and leave. Neither of which is any help. I feel like that doesn't just happen to me?