Nice guys finish last. That old saying holds true outside the bedroom too, where the mean, selfish and the shallow get all the goodies while the kind, considerate and gentle get the shaft. We guys have an advantage here. We know how to get hard to get ahead. Gals don't. It's time you all learned from the experts.

Pride Goes Before A Promotion

Admit it. You are the best person in the room. At anything, despite laboring under the disadvantage of not possessing testicles. Stop hiding your light under a bushel and embrace your awesomeness in it's entirety.

Then publicize it. Let everyone know you are the best of the best of the best. It's no use only you knowing - quiet confidence is usually mistaken for timidity. The true bitch makes it very clear that she is the only worthwhile one in the room at any time. Face time is the most precious resource you have in getting ahead, so keep yourself in their faces at all times.

Of course, you could always actually become the best at something, but that is too much like hard work. Which leads us to the next point:

Style Always Trumps Substance

You don't actually have to be good at anything, as long as you look good. This does require some investment in yourself, but the initial outlay will pay back handsomely. Have you ever seen a true bitch without her flawless make-up and dressed in (designer) sweats outside of the gym? No, you have not. You will not, unless she is your room mate, which means you have far more serious problems.

The bitches version of the AK-47 is charm and poise. Appearing professional, competent and seductive is more than enough to allow you to dominate any work space. There is always some mouse who can be charmed or intimidated into doing the actual work, while you take all the credit as a matter of course. Most of the little people you work with will be happy to help you out and grateful for your benign attention.

There will be times when one of your slaves will get a bit rebellious though. In that case:

When In Doubt, Shriek Like A Harpy

Manners may well maketh the man, but rudeness and a temper like an atomic bomb at ground zero maketh the bitch. You need to be able to switch from all sweetness and light to a vengeful Valkyrie and back again at a moments notice, the one area where women have a huge natural advantage over men.

No tears, just red faced shrieking rage will keep your lackeys in line, if they cannot predict when or where it will hit.

Target your rage well, something that most wannabe bitches fail to understand. Flying into a fury at an underling is one thing, doing it to your boss, unless he is a wimp, is quite another. Watch an experienced bitch in action and see just how strategically she uses her temper. With your bosses, gritting your teeth and staying poisonously sweet in your praise of others is the better way to go. A bit like:

How To Deal With Competition

Ideally, if you have followed this so far, you won't have much competition. But there will always be one. A wannabe bitch who is after your place. Or the current office bitch who you need to depose to make sure your grasp is firm.

Find her weakness and exploit it ruthlessly. Sabotaging her is not exactly ethical, but ethics are for the little people, not you. A sweet voiced comment at the right time will both double her workload and set her up for failure as you charm her minions away into your camp.

Required reading for all bitches should be Machiavelli and Sun Tzu. But, since that requires time better spent in looking good, watch old episodes of Dynasty instead of going out with your friends. Oh, yes, bitches do have friends, for one very, very good reason:

What Are Friends For?

Practicing on. Verbal barbs, charm and tantrums don't just come naturally, unless you really don't need this guide. They need work and constant honing.

If you can keep a group of friends whilst constantly putting them down and making them feel inferior to you in every way, you know you are ready for the big leagues of the fashion industry or politics.

If that makes you feel uncomfortable, it's because you need the final lesson:

Be Artistically Selfish

There are two types of people in the world. You and everyone else. Guys understand this instinctively. Co-operation is grudging and is based on whether it will benefit you and you only.

You are obviously far more important than the faceless masses, and deserve everything you want. Yet the others stubbornly and disagreeably wish to keep some things or attention for themselves.

Accept this.

You cannot demand the attention of the little people all the time. Only when it is important to you, your self interest, or to alleviate your boredom. Remember, you need these people. You can make them pay for their impertinence in ignoring your needs at your convenience.

Can't you?

This episode brought to you courtesy of an anonymous questioner and a related question. If you missed the first in the series, you can find it here.
Happy Halloween to all, and unpleasant dreams.