No, I don't mean the geek movie of the same name. I haven't seen it and have minimal interest in doing so. There has been a disturbing trend in some of the questions over the last month, as Spring kicks in and people shed their Winter sloth. What pushed me over the edge and demanded investigation was this one from the 19th:
"MM, what does an intelligent woman do when she's terribly lonely, but winds up being irritated with 98% of the people she meets? Is it normal to not really want to be friends with most people? :("
followed on the 25th by:
"It's been such a long time since I last had a good conversation (with a friend, classmate, love interest, stranger with common interests, anyone) I'm starting to feel broken. At times it almost feels like learning how to walk all over again. Being socially awkward had never been this hard. Any advice?"
Familiar feelings to many, from the tone of the questions that have been coming in. It turns out there are good reasons for this happening. To summarize it:
We are individuals, sure, but also social animals. Fear, anxiety or even discomfort make us automatically seek the safety of the pack. That is hardwired into us, and comes from a much older part of the brain - the limbic system - than the part we use for being an individual. So far, so determanistic, but why the irritation?
How big is your pack size? Not your online friends, but your family and real life friends, the ones you can physically touch and smell. It is two to five for most people, which is, according to studies, about 140 people too few for comfort. You get more anxious, with a much stronger impulse to seek the safety of the pack, which doesn't happen again because your pack size is still too small.
You get pissed off at the world, society and especially at whoever is failing to comfort you at the moment. At least being seriously pissed switches off the anxiety though, so the impulse to find someone fades.
So much for why it happens. Fixing it is a whole different ballgame, and actually fairly easy.
Go to church.
That surprised ya, didn't it? Of course, it doesn't have to be church! A class, a hobby club, a volunteer organisation, a marching band, a choir, the Army Reserve even, but it must be somewhere where you will be forced to physically meet people and are constrained from showing your irritation. That bit is important. You will not get over being socially awkward until you can deal with people on their terms, not yours.
And look on the bright side. Being nervous about attending a group is going to make you want to fit into the group. Just keep your temper!
"MM, what does an intelligent woman do when she's terribly lonely, but winds up being irritated with 98% of the people she meets? Is it normal to not really want to be friends with most people? :("
followed on the 25th by:
"It's been such a long time since I last had a good conversation (with a friend, classmate, love interest, stranger with common interests, anyone) I'm starting to feel broken. At times it almost feels like learning how to walk all over again. Being socially awkward had never been this hard. Any advice?"
Familiar feelings to many, from the tone of the questions that have been coming in. It turns out there are good reasons for this happening. To summarize it:
We are individuals, sure, but also social animals. Fear, anxiety or even discomfort make us automatically seek the safety of the pack. That is hardwired into us, and comes from a much older part of the brain - the limbic system - than the part we use for being an individual. So far, so determanistic, but why the irritation?
How big is your pack size? Not your online friends, but your family and real life friends, the ones you can physically touch and smell. It is two to five for most people, which is, according to studies, about 140 people too few for comfort. You get more anxious, with a much stronger impulse to seek the safety of the pack, which doesn't happen again because your pack size is still too small.
You get pissed off at the world, society and especially at whoever is failing to comfort you at the moment. At least being seriously pissed switches off the anxiety though, so the impulse to find someone fades.
So much for why it happens. Fixing it is a whole different ballgame, and actually fairly easy.
Go to church.
That surprised ya, didn't it? Of course, it doesn't have to be church! A class, a hobby club, a volunteer organisation, a marching band, a choir, the Army Reserve even, but it must be somewhere where you will be forced to physically meet people and are constrained from showing your irritation. That bit is important. You will not get over being socially awkward until you can deal with people on their terms, not yours.
And look on the bright side. Being nervous about attending a group is going to make you want to fit into the group. Just keep your temper!
My girlfriends & I go to dinner & a movie every other Tuesday. Some movies we don’t care for, but we care for each other & that’s why we go. Every six to eight weeks my girlfriends & I from high school get together & have a party. Sure we are FaceBook friends, but we are deeper friends in true life. Sometimes you have to just reach out for others. You may find that they need you as much as you need them….
I see many problems with this...for me at least...
1. I move way to much to have a solid support group
2. I'm a Christian and all and I hate to diss my own religion, but churches are so fake. There's a really good one in every thousand. Most of the others are crap. I mean, take the risk, you might stumble and get lucky on a good one...I feel like a hypocrite but yeah...I guess that one's up to you.
3. I've gone through some incredibly hard times lately and when I try to tell my "friends" about it I've only gotten burned. I'm way too scared to show the real me.
God, reading over this I sound bitter...I've never had a support group and I want one so damn bad. Are there any good people out there that will take the hard nuts?
There are. Few and far between maybe, but there are. I think the answer is really best for us nuts who have holed up against the world... even if we have to scream and debate it and hide in our caves for a while and go through all the steps of grief to acceptance before we give into it.
As for the Church thing, I know it was only one of many suggestions, but you're a Christian so its worth addressing. Yes, it can feel like 1 in 1000, maybe it is. But what's more than that one, is all of the Christians struggling with finding that one or being in one of the 999. If you can't deal with the modern day church, look into home churches, small groups, Alternative Seminary (not as academic as "seminary" implies). Groups that have different views on what Christianity should be are popping up everywhere, and I can tell you, from experience, they're usually people who have been burnt their fair share and just want someplace safe.
Sorry to intrude; hope something helps. I'll be a'prayin.
You know one of the most vital things for people?
Irritation. Dealing with people who annoy you just by being themselves. Now stop making excuses. Your support group is what YOU make it, and it is pretty much what you put in you get out.
So start putting in.