Meet The Guys
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The Funny Guy firmly believes that the key to a woman's heart isn't wealth, good looks, or regular bathing, but rather a great sense of humor (and lasers; chicks love lasers). After all, you can't really offend your date's nose if she's too busy shooting milk through it. When the poop hits the wood chipper, The Funny Guy is there to give you the advice you need in a way that won't make you want to drown yourself. And chances are, you'll probably get a few choice Simpson's quotes thrown in for good measure. So if you need a laugh, bundled oh so lovingly around a little nugget of truth (or just want to know which Seinfeld episode your situation most resembles), then you've come to the right e-man. Fire away, and let the LOL-ing commence.
Recent questions answered by the Funny Guy:
- So, my boyfriend of a year asks me for oral sex daily, and today I obliged, but he wouldn't kiss me afterward because he says it's "gross" and "that's how people get sick." He didn't finish in my mouth and I know he doesn't have any STDs, so what exactly is the problem?
- What makes a guy cheat? If my boyfriend and I argue a lot, do you think that will make him cheat?
- I accidentally slept with both of my husband's twin brothers (they are identical triplets). Does this count as cheating?
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The Girls’ BFF is your BS filter. He’s like a sweet and sour gummy bear. He’ll tell you if “he’s just not that into you” whether you want to hear it or not. But he’ll also give you a hug and tell you that you don’t need that guy anyway. The Girls’ BFF is the guy who will listen to what you have to say, tell you when you’re wrong, tell you when you’re right, and then suggest everybody have a drink because, what the hell, who doesn’t love a drink? Sometimes he’s a part of the problem, but he’s still always there to help you undo all of the (usually wrong) over-analysis you and your girlfriends can’t stop yourselves from doing. Basically, the Girl’s BFF is the guy who helps you figure out what’s really going on. But the next move? That’s all on you.
Recent questions answered by the Girls' BFF:
- Why are black guys so infatuated with a women who has lighter skin? And also why are black men so into girls with big booties?
- How do you interpret "Love ya" in a fairly new relationship. Is that hard to say "Love you", or is he just not feeling it?
- Mr. Jackson, How do I get my boyfriend to show up on time? He is always late! He never calls when he is going to be late. I feel very disrespected and have told him SEVERAL times to knock it off, buy a watch, etc! Sometimes he is even up to 30-45 minutes late? What is he doing?!
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The Chic Geek is equally comfortable amongst the hipsters at a Grizzly Bear concert or at home playing Wii Bowling with his friends, or if lucky enough, his girlfriend, on a Saturday night. Sure, he may have been shoved into the occasional locker back in middle school but that’s all in the past now that geek is “in.” He’s always up on the latest gadget or Lost rumor and he’s your go-to guy on everything from Star Wars-themed weddings to proper dating etiquette in the iPhone generation. (If only there was an app for love!) Ready to get your geek on?
Recent questions answered by the Chic Geek:
- What are your suggestions for learning to be alone? Or at least, how to make it more bearable. Please forgo the "Plan a night with your girlfriends and paint each others' toenails!" route of advice. I'm not looking for distraction, I'm looking for peace of mind.
- How do I get my boyfriend to buy me tampons?
- Can a really romantic movie persuade or even change a guy's mind about you when he sees it? Does it even affect guys?
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The Reformed Player knows the dark secrets that lurk in the hearts of men, mainly because they’re his secrets too. And he’s willing to reveal all the dirty truths — if it means womankind will forgive him a little for all those times he never called back, told a half-dozen white lies in a row, or made out with your best friend. After all, players have an awful lot of fun. But they never really get the girl, not in the end. The Reformed Player can speak pick-up artist, sensitive emo-dude, and multiple dialects of douchebag. He’s got the inside scoop on all the tricks, false promises, and smooth, jungle cat moves. And he is at your service.
Recent questions answered by the Reformed Player:
- What does it mean when a guy says "my life is complicated"?
- How long do you "date" before you can ask that dreaded question, what the hell are we?
- I found over $700 in a box in my boyfriend's (of four years) bedroom. I want it to be for an engagement ring, but I'm sure its for something else. How come he won't put a ring on it?
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Nobody likes a Wise Ass, right? When the chips are down and you need advice, why bother asking an honest, objective stranger when you’ve got plenty of family and friends to coddle you and tell you exactly what you want to hear? Who needs the truth when all you really want is to feel better about yourself? A kick in the seat and a good laugh will ruin your little pity party. Besides, your mom and your unmarried 46-year-old friend with three cats and one ex-boyfriend from high school — they know far more about guys than, say, a guy himself, right?
Recent questions answered by the Wise-Ass:
- My boyfriend keeps asking me if i think he's big. Honestly, he isn't the most well-endowed guy ever, and I know better than to say THAT, but I'm a horrible liar. What's the best way to answer him in the future?
- O Great Wise-Ass, I am a freshman in college and a virgin. I've been intimate with guys before, just haven't lost the big V. I'm thinking I should just get it over with, since I'm not necessarily waiting until marriage, but I'm not sure. Advice?
- so when you bf tells you that four years is too soon to start thinking about getting married and that we should wait ten, what does that mean?
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Mystery Man will tell you the truth, as he sees it, without the hug. He’ll tell you that your date never called again because you talked about yourself too much or because you likely had bad breath after that bad choice of garlic knots. The stuff that comes out of his mouth will almost always come as a shock. He won't pull any punches and almost always drops out of the sky like a deus ex machina. The truth isn't always popular, but it is always right.
Recent questions answered by the Mystery Man:
- Me and my ex have been fighting for a while because I started to fall for another guy that I used to like a couple years ago. I still like him to this day. I broke up with him cause I fell in love with the other guy and not him. My question is "What do i do about my ex and should i stay friends with him?
- What does it mean when a guy tells you he likes you then ignores you the very next day??
- The guy I'm dating recently told me he's had sexual fantasies about his sister. Is this normal or am I dating a total psychopath?
