A: You do whatever you need to. You sneak into his bedroom, or out of the house, or drill a hole in the wall between you. S...
Funny Guy
The Funny Guy firmly believes that the key to a woman's heart isn't wealth, good looks, or regular bathing, but rather a great sense of humor (and lasers; chicks love lasers). After all, you can't really offend your date's nose if she's too busy shooting milk through it. When the poop hits the wood chipper, The Funny Guy is there to give you the advice you need in a way that won't make you want to drown yourself. And chances are, you'll probably get a few choice Simpson's quotes thrown in for good measure. So if you need a laugh, bundled oh so lovingly around a little nugget of truth (or just want to know which Seinfeld episode your situation most resembles), then you've come to the right e-man. Fire away, and let the LOL-ing commence.
Featured: Michael Swaim
Recent questions answered by the Funny Guy:
Q: How do I turn friends with benefits into more?
A: To do it safely--as in with no risk of endangering the friendship--invent time travel, go back in time, and set up the r...
Q: How much do guys actually listen to their mothers when picking a girl?
A: A man's relationship to his mother is a complicated, fragile thing, like a crystal chandelier that you used to live insi...
A: It means exactly what you think it means: he's not into you, never will be, and honestly hopes to live and die without h...
A: I HATE YOU. I'm sure you're a wonderful person, but I owe it to you and my gender to say that my first emotional respons...
Q: Is it possible to be in love with someone but not know with who?
A: Sure! I was in love with a weird amalgam of Mary Jane Parker and every girl in my homeroom class for most of High School...
A: We prefer to call it "The Dude-layer." It's kind of like the Teen Titans fortress, but more phallic and there's an Xbox ...
Q: Do guys really make fun of other guys for being circumcised or not?
A: If it comes up in a drunken conversation, almost certainly. But guys will make fun of other guys for nearly any piece of...
Q: Do you think a boy still likes you even if he pretended he never asked you out?
A: I think anyone who literally tries to retcon the real world is probably not ideal dating material. And yeah, if someone ...
A: I'd tell you...if I ever noticed such things. I think the tragic fact is that men notice what you're wearing or how you'...
A: Well, it'd be kind of difficult to achieve now that two of the Beatles are dead, but I guess the propped-up corpses of J...
Q: If you were a girl which panel member would you date?
A: Wow, that's a toughie. Each Guyspeaker has so much to offer; like a Whitman's sampler of pure blogging virility. Assumin...
A: Like it or not, you're dating a man with a past. People don't just mentally wipe the slate clean when they start dating ...
Q: Why would you stand a woman up?
A: Because I did some Googling and found out her last eight boyfriends were found in shipping crates at the bottom of the P...
A: The sad truth is, you may never know. Hey, maybe he seriously likes everyone at work. Maybe he's so full of love, he can...
A: Well, if they're really that small, it'd be the GUY who's working himself up over nothing, right? To quote the great Moe...
A: This is a really unfortunate situation, because while there will likely be fallout from doing so, I think you absolutely...
A: I don't know where you're finding all these mystifying, coy dudes, but I have the sinking feeling you may be mistakenly ...
A: Probably not. If a guy has actually stated, "I would like to watch when your vagina inevitably rips open to birth our hi...
Q: At what point did you realize you wanted to marry your wife?
A: Believe it or not (it's pretty believable if you have any sense of what makes a good blog post), at one of the absolute ...
A: Wow, your question was like reading one of those mystery books for kids in middle school, where at the end you turn it u...
A: Well, I can't quibble on the comparison; you've got us dead to rights. Granny panties are the conservative, no-nonsense,...
A: If there's one thing long-term relationships do, it's fall apart, then get back together, then fall apart, then get back...
A: Be like the Spirit; use your surroundings to your advantage. You're at an amusement park, so you've got a lot of element...
A: I doubt it. Most guys will take attention from a girl in any form, whether it be online, tied around bricks hurled throu...
A: Seems pretty straightforward to me. The guy either didn't think you'd be game for it, or chickened out once he actually ...
Q: Would you consider becoming intimate with your best female friend?
A: I considered it the instant I read your question, and for about three minutes thereafter. I consider becoming intimate w...
A: My gut reaction is to say that if "game" referred to sports game, then dump the asshole, but if it referred to Red Dead ...
A: Screw ungentlemanly, and screw feminism. The plain fact is, a woman is about a thousand times more likely to get raped/m...
A: I'm not sure who spreads information like that, but my suspicion is that it's either women who have had very little actu...
A: I know exactly how you feel. I'm constantly intimidating all the incompetent morons around me (I'm looking at you, Barry...
A: In my experience, muscular dudes are just like any other form of human...up to a point. That point is almost perfectly r...
A: Weak? There's nothing weak about standing up for yourself against abusive behavior. And to go through something so diffi...
A: Even if I could plumb your ex-boyfriend's mind for the answer, I wouldn't tell you. Because you don't get to know that. ...
A: Because he's a jerk. A turd-head. A lame-O. He doesn't imagine that you are a real human person, or that a Facebook wall...
A: I hope this isn't a very close friend, because odds are, this is going to be painful. Realizing a platonic male friend i...
Q: Does a kiss on the cheek from a non-European guy friend mean anything?
A: Almost certainly. In one sense, everything means SOMETHING. In another sense, any time a guy finds a reason to kiss you,...
A: I think it's actually in the weird middle ground, somewhere between a tramp stamp and a monocle. Which I guess it techni...
Q: If a guy gave you his number, how often should you call him?
A: I'm not going to give you a set number of times per week or anything, because every guy will be different. What I have f...
A: Wow, it really took balls to ask this question. I salute you, woman whose problem is too much free money. If you'd like ...
A: Sounds like it. Of course Paris is a natural aphrodisiac, so there's always the chance of a false positive. But if he's ...
A: Yeah, those are both good ones. You can also say, "hey, if a woman can fight for her country, I'm not going to demean he...
A: I'm going to assume that the fictional lass in question has either a stellar or at least tolerably average personality. ...
A: Absolutely. It's pretty hard to imagine yourself as James Bond when your girlfriend keeps shooting you in the face, or w...
A: Hey sister, you're not alone. If my research team is to be trusted, the idea of being shy and unable to charm the opposi...
A: First of all, kudos on the discipline there. Second of all, run. Run far, far away. Because there's a storm a-comin', an...
A: Why slip it into conversation when you can slip it into SONG? Guitar class is the perfect venue to gently let a guy down...
A: This is a tough call, but my gut reaction is to say let him do it, with the following parameters: it's smaller than a fi...
Q: How do I act around my ex at work? Should I say hello?
A: Ah, the aftermath. We've pooped where we eat, and now it's lunchtime again. Oh dear. This doesn't need to be painful. At...
A: Yup! Wrong as rain. Wrong as Wrigley's. Wrong wrong wrong as the day is long. Wrong-er like a dong-er. As incorrect as t...
A: I think your instincts are dead-on. Unless your friend is widely hailed as the town's biggest skank, his level of suspic...
A: Man, you "surprise people." I'll never understand liking surprises; I'm a man who would gladly read a book that laid out...
Q: My guy doesn't get hard when we make out. Does this mean he isn't that into me? Help!
A: While I can't tell you whether or not a guy is into you, I will say the the fact he's making out with you is a better in...
A: I'd say scrap the party. Or at least the surprise part of it. When you're returning home after a long absence--especiall...
A: Have you ever stopped to consider that the man may enjoy Previews? I love trailers, and if my wife tried to "release the...
Q: My boyfriend and I both prefer the same side of the bed. It is maddening. Is there any solution?
A: Well, you can do what my wife and I did, and get a bed made out of two left sides bolted together. Sure, I'm still techn...
Q: Why wouldn't a guy want to get into a girl's pants?
A: I understand your confusion. About 85% of the advice we give on this blog involves pointing out that however horny you i...
Q: How can I stop being viewed as innocent, stupid, naive?
A: First, invest yourself in other people's vision of you. Turn that into loathing, and let that loathing encourage you to ...
A: Never confuse strategy with lack of interest. Life is basically a bunch of people pretending they don't want to make out...
A: This week alone, someone's asked me to gauge the relative weirdness of spanking, foot fetishism, using melted wax during...
A: Continue living in the real world. Congratulations! Your relationship is absolutely standard in at least one regard: it'...
A: I think you may be on to something, actually. Which is probably just a terrible answer for you to hear, sorry. Still, yo...
Q: Is there a difference between having sex and making love?
A: The fact that you have to ask is a sad statement about the ineffable gap between genders. Although speaking of effable g...
A: After two weeks? Absolutely not. If anything, he should feel slightly presumptuous. Mayhap a gift card is in order. And ...
A: I feel your pain, sister. As the branded Funny Guy, the deepest relationship I can reasonably expect from the people in ...
Q: What is your opinion of grand romantic gestures?
A: That they're usually employed to make up for something awful, or by people in the throws of infatuation. That said, the ...
A: Everyone has the right to privacy, but if you're having trouble connecting to your boyfriend in the way you want, you ma...
Q: How do we get a stripper to have sex with us?
A: Practice, practice, practice! And money? And asking nicely? I'm pretty sure if you go to a few strip clubs with your guy...
A: Hey, if you kneel over in bed naked in front of a dude, you might as well hang flares on your backside and wave him in w...
A: First of all, let's go ahead and lose those air-quotes around "affair." You are having an affair. Sure, as far as affair...
Q: Why doesn't a guy like it when one of his friends dates his sister? Please enlighten me!
A: Because we have hung with that friend. We have had lengthy discussions with that friend about the things we would do if ...
A: Most guys will just be thrilled that the bra has been removed. Bra removal is one of the most technically challenging as...
A: On a scale from 1 to 10, roughly -2. A primed ladyplace is to us what the yellow sun is to Superman: a source of power a...
A: You will break many hearts, my dear. Guys, especially guys who are into you in a big way, are nearly as phone- text- and...
A: He wouldn't. Which means despite what seems to be, there IS a reason. It may not be apparent to you, or you may not want...
A: Amen, sister. I've actually taken to boning up on some classic works of literature while I wait for the missus to prepar...
A: First of all, congratulations on having the serenity and balance to ask that question calmly, rather than in a frenzy th...
Q: Is it okay to flirt with guys just for fun or is that considered being a tease?
A: Tease (N.) - One who flirts with guys just for fun. At least, from a guy's perspective. I can say without question that ...
A: Someone's been getting their dating tips from Deliverance! Despite what man-raping yokel inbreds may tell you, I think y...
Q: Do men seriously fall in love, or is it just some fantasy women have?
A: Whoa now. The glut of jokes I make about men being more sexual than women is simply an established rule of relationship-...
Q: When is too soon to make a move?
A: When it comes to making moves you won't regret later (like the recent move I made into the field of do-it-yourself fishe...
A: Look, I'm flattered, but you know I'm a married man. Also, just FYI, "kinda famous" is a bit of an undersell. It's cool ...
A: I don't know. All I know is, the radiance that effervesces from your heart fills me with wonder and a tender awe. You ar...
Q: Do guys get turned on when girls cry?
A: I think you're confusing "getting turned on" and "freezing like a deer in headlights." That thing where we stop whatever...
A: Who I side with on this one depends entirely on your relationship status. If you're dating, and this was a date, then ye...
Q: How many dicks can you fit in your mouth at one time?
A: I am SHOCKED AND OFFENDED by this question. I mean, how am I even supposed to begin estimating without more information?...
Q: Why do guys sniff girls' hair?
A: I really hope this question wasn't prompted by dudes always sniffing your hair, because if so I'm going to be involuntar...
Q: If a guy is constantly trying to tickle you, does it mean he likes you?
A: Any time a guy finds some excuse to touch your soft, supple flesh, it's usually a good sign. Despite the fact that rough...
A: Hey, this is Guyspeak; there's no such thing a question that's too weird. Unfortunately, there IS such a thing as a nipp...
A: Because dinner food rarely has high alcohol by volume. I mean sure, there's vodka chicken, but you've got to eat like ei...
Q: Why would a man say flowers are a waste of money?
A: Because they SO ARE. Look, if he's using that line to excuse a total lack of romantic effort, that's one thing. But if t...
Q: Why does the guy I'm dating shut down and give up after an argument?
A: Because he's just so very, very tired. Let's face it; by and large, ladies are far better at arguing than dudes. They've...
A: Yeah, straight up asking "what are we" is a little Melrose Place for most dudes, and no matter what you are, will probab...
A: In concept, very much so. When it actually comes down to delivering in a three-way scenario, it's a much trickier subjec...
Q: Why are men commitment-phobes?
A: The same reason planes remain airborne: beautiful, flawless design. We're built that way. Not to reduce men to a simple ...
Q: If a girl ask a guy out and he doesn't give you an answer, is it a good sign or a bad sign?
A: I'm trying to imagine how it could possibly be a GOOD sign. And I hope you propositioned him via email or phone, because...
A: Are you kidding? You have the one legit excuse, the single get out of jail free card (although I guess lesbianism is ano...
A: Hey if your husband's okay with it, what are you asking me for? Mazel Tov. And this is ideal, because I doubt your husba...
Q: Do guys like to cuddle or do they do it because they think their girlfriends want them to?
A: While constantly trying to guess what it is you want us to do IS one of a boyfriend's main occupations, I think most guy...
A: No more than it is to do it with all that junk on your chest, which is to say somewhat. Although like a duck learning to...
A: BECAUSE YOU SAID NOTHING WAS WRONG! Sorry, I'm just used to screaming that; hard to break old habits. The situation you'...
A: Well, a good first step would be looking up the word "fetish," which I have graciously done for you. Fetish (N.) - 1. an...
A: I doubt it. Most men, hypocrites that we are, find the idea of you being into another girl extremely hot. And I don't ju...
A: Yeah, "fuck you" is always funny. I heard Buster Keaton used to go around set saying "fuck you" all the time, but since ...
Q: Why is it that after you orgasm you have to pee really bad?
A: I'm never positive of the gender of those asking questions, but while I hope this was asked by a dude (because I've expe...
A: Evidence inconclusive. On one hand, a guy who just wants sex will certainly try and seal the deal on the first date. Alt...
Q: Do you really prefer me to swallow?
A: Nope. Don't care. Or wait, just to clarify: If you're talking about eating my mother's delicious homemade meatloaf, then...
A: Tell your friend it's nice to dream. Dreams are fun. But if everyone were in the same league, we wouldn't use sports--a ...
Q: does doing sexual things with a girl when you're not going out make you like them more or less?
A: Dude, doing sexual things with a PAPER SACK would engender a special affection for said now-unusable sack. The only time...
A: Abort! Abort! You're headed straight for that Irony-berg! See, not responding to obvious hints is in fact the most often...
A: How about "will you marry me?" for starters? If you know you're getting married in 5 months, I assume one of you propose...
A: The same reason I tried hot mustard on my eggs this morning: novelty. And much like going to a strip club, it left me wi...
Q: How do guys really feel about makeup?
A: We love that it works (when it does), and by and large, we have no interest whatsoever in how it works. I'm fairly certa...
A: If you can't live without having sex with women, you may want to upgrade yourself from bisexual to full-on lesbian. Or p...
Q: What do you think of tall women dating shorter guys?
A: As a comedian, I'm all for it. I was crushed when Flava Flav and that blonde amazonian woman broke up...although they we...
A: Before answering the question of whether you SHOULD, I'll say with almost complete certainty that you are going to. It's...
Q: what do men think about during sex?
A: Nine times out of ten, the sex we are having. In fact, let's up that to ten out of ten. The fact that you ask this quest...
A: Yup. Sucks, doesn't it? I don't think leg hair is inherently gross, but at this point we've become so used to your smoot...
A: I assume you're typing this on your phone from the hot tub in question: good first step. Typing sullenly while everyone ...
Q: When performing oral sex on a man, do they like it when their anus is massaged?
A: They like to be ASKED FIRST. I don't care how much you value spontaneity, going for the backdoor always requires securit...
A: Your boyfriend sounds like a chump. Not necessarily because of the situation, more how he handled it (like a grade-C chu...
Q: What makes a guy cheat? If my boyfriend and I argue a lot, do you think that will make him cheat?
A: No, unless he was thinking of cheating anyway, or a series of unlikely circumstances provides an opportunity to cheat th...
A: Oh God, please let this be a real question, because if it's not, then it's by far the most brilliant phony question subm...
A: "Is this normal?" is, as a question, usually totally irrelevant. What's normal? In Iran, normal is not dating until marr...
Q: How long does a guy need to date before he commits? All I am asking is for an engagement.
A: You are the reason men are afraid of commitment. All you're asking for is an engagement? All you're asking for is a prom...
A: If you're at a place in your life where you just want to have some fun, then what are you waiting for? Run over to his h...
Q: Is being called {wifey} a good thing?
A: If you're his wife, yes. If you're his date, his parole officer, or a genre of porn, no. Also, if he's capable of insert...
A: It's not that we like smelling like a new car; it's that we can't afford to smell like a field of flowers even a little ...
A: First of all, discount the dreams. Burn your dream journal, get a mind-wipe, binge drink until you've killed the part of...
A: First of all, make sure your expectations are normal. There's a wide gap between "trimming it up a bit" and "manscaping....
A: Chances are, nah. Yes, it's possible that he's having some deep, soul-wrenching doubts about your relationship, but ther...
Q: What do guys think about a girl who plays the piano?
A: Usually that she has, strong, dexterous hands and can liven up any party, provided there's a very particular thousand-po...
A: If you ask me, your boyfriend's nuts. Kissing's my second favorite activity, right before eating and after something I d...
Q: Female pubic hair...yay or nay?
A: I think it truly is a matter of taste (his, not yours; eating pubic hair is unequivically gross). Sure, there are genera...
A: If I were a cynical person, I'd say it's probably because another woman has entered his life, and he no longer needs you...
A: If what I'm hearing about the reliability of those systems (and the coming apocalypse) is true, then yes, he will at som...
A: Sorry, but what you're asking is by definition impossible. It's like asking fish not to swim, birds not to fly, or Steve...
Q: How do you like your blow jobs?
A: Like I like my coffee: scalding and delivered by a man in a paper hat out of a drive-thru window. With milk. To be hones...
Q: I'm a woman moving in with six of my best guy friends. How do I survive?
A: Wow, that sounds like the tag line for the really awful spin-off Full House never got. I can't tell you for sure how to ...
A: See, guys? Women are just as frightened of us as we are of them. Perhaps this is the opportunity we've all been waiting ...
Q: Do you like Miley Cyrus or Selena Gomez?
A: OR?! You're making me PICK?! Man, I have been WAITING for this question ever since I first signed up to write here. Are ...
A: There are two possible answers, both of which reflect rather poorly on the male half of the species. Either A) we can't ...
A: The human body is a truly remarkable instrument. It can regulate your breathing while you sleep, encode and store a seem...
A: Yeah, I'm pretty sure Cosmo editors ran out of actual "ways to please your man" some time ago, and have taken to inserti...
Q: What is the most awkward thing about being a guy?
A: Tragically (much like a dark superhero), the things that suck about being a guy are the same exact things that make us g...
Q: Is it true that guys can really "turn off their brains" and think about nothing?
A: First of all, in some cultures that's called ACHIEVING ENLIGHTENMENT AND TRANSCENDING THIS MORTAL PLANE. You talk that k...
A: Well, this is bound to be the least funny advice column this Funny Guy's ever written, but here goes: as misfortune woul...
A: I think a lot of guys (and humans, for that matter) see romance as very serious business. We all saw The Notebook. We al...
A: Exactly what he's getting. See--and this is a GROSS oversimplification--a man's biological and evolutionary nature guide...
Q: Is it okay to keep having sex with your ex on occasion, if the relationship ended on good terms?
A: Being able to have sex on occasion without having to be in an actual relationship is pretty good terms. So good that I q...
A: Yes and no. Yes, there are things we do right after a breakup, but they're only partly to cope. A lot of it is just a re...
A: The same reason guys love their children: it's proof that they've been getting laid. The hickey is a medal of honor, a s...
A: Holy role-reversal, Batman! Or should I say hole-reversal? No, I really shouldn't. I apologize. As a healthily perverted...
A: He still has feelings for you, and the thought of you having moved on with your life, or, even worse, letting another gu...
A: You're asking me if you should have someone slice into your body and insert plastic discs to stop your boyfriend from wh...
A: My feelings on this topic vary widely and depend on whether your boyfriend's a young man late in cutting the ties of ado...
Q: Is it true that a guy's pupils will dilate if he likes you?
A: Wow. I have absolutely no idea. I heard women's eyes dilate during ovulation. Do men ovulate? I should know that. Here's...
A: Okay, NEVER use the phrase "wear at a girl's vagina" again in any context. Reading those words in that order made me mak...
A: It's about time! Almost five months writing for Guyspeak and at long last someone asks me a question about something I k...
A: Large signage is good, and easy to see in low light conditions. Flares are useful for outdoor sessions, although there's...
Q: How can I encourage my boyfriend to go back to college?
A: I'm glad you used the word "encourage," because to be honest, this question sets off my "get off my back, woman!" alarm ...
A: I'm going to give you the same answer I gave to the question about going to Michael Bay movies: just stop doing it. Man,...
Q: This is my first time giving a guy a blow job .. how should I start?
A: Well, first of all, you should stop interfacing with a computer immediately and just focus on giving the blowjob. It's a...
Q: What do you do if you're Thirteen and haven't had your first kiss?
A: Continue being thirteen. Wait a few years. Play Polly Pocket, watch the JoBros and chill the hell out. Your first kiss i...
Q: how important is a good hand job to a guy?
A: Well, that's sort of like asking how important it is to be able to make a good risotto. If you've got a braised pheasant...
A: That largely depends on what you mean by "all the time." In the interest of helping you figure this thing out, I'm going...
Q: what kind of underwear do men prefer?
A: On themselves, anything that labels their penis in a humorous fashion. Failing that, anything that's been cleaned someti...
A: I hate to say it, but if this guy hasn't moved things into relationship territory in six months, he's not going to any t...
A: Hey, let's not pick on infantilists now. Your ex is just the way God made him. And God works in mysterious, mysterious w...
Q: What is your least favorite thing about women?
A: Aw, I only get to pick one? Okay, I guess I'd go with the retractable spines they shoot out when startled. I hate that. ...
A: For the purposes of this answer, I'm assuming you're, at most, thirty-five. Beyond that, the revelation that you're a vi...
A: Man, I could write a book on this. Although it would be a short book, and most of it would just be repeating: THERE IS N...
A: If there is, I have yet to find it. No matter how snugly you and your soul mate fit together, like two puzzle pieces cra...
Q: What does it mean when a guy tells you that the problem isn't you, it's him.
A: It means the problem is you. Or rather, the problem is his problem with you (ie, his deep and powerful psychological des...
A: When you've outgrown the bar scene and your work isn't particularly suited to love connections, it can be staggeringly d...
A: Well, there's always: I CAN C U. 0_0 And the ever-popular: LETZ MOVE IN 2GETHR J/K! Honestly, and call me old fashioned,...
A: What would the guy you like knowing that you like him ruin exactly? Him not knowing whether you like him? The non-relati...
A: When I read your question, my first impulse was to stand up like an asshole at a horror movie and scream "DON'T GO IN TH...
Q: Do guys get embarrassed if their girlfriends call them by "pet names" in front of their buddies?
A: It all depends on the name, the friends who happen to be nearby, your boyfriend's overall demeanor, and whether or not t...
Q: Is it okay to try and slip a finger up my boyfriend's backdoor while fooling around?
A: Honestly, you can figure this one out yourself. Just close your eyes and try walking a mile in your boyfriend's shoes (o...
A: Why would he have a dream about having sex with another girl? Because dreams are a magic fantasy world where your wildes...
A: I wanted to try and answer this question because I think I know everything, but I also want to say right off the bat tha...
A: I'm a terrible dancer. I'm not talking about your foxtrots or macarenas, mind you (as I am a certified macarena champion...
A: Well, if I know anything about child rearing, it's that having your baby hastily and against the wishes of your partner ...
A: If you've been screwing up the courage to make a move on this guy, it might be time to put on some strappy boots and nai...
Q: My boyfriend wants me to get breast implants but I don't want to; what should I do?
A: Normally, I try to avoid answering questions with extremely obvious answers. But as Orwell once said, the man who sees e...
A: Well, the easy answer is to convince your parents to scrupulously redesign their house's interior to exactly match the i...
A: No, absolutely not. Some men are in comas or have lost hands in explosions, and many are dead. Seriously though, I had a...
A: Luckily, the only virginal experience I've had was with a life-long horse rider, which as you may know, takes a lot of t...
Q: What if a guy stares at you, looks away, and then looks back and smiles?
A: Rarely do I get a question with such a straightforward answer. Though the male subconscious is a mystery as fathomless a...
Q: Do guys get turned off when a girl cracks dirty jokes?
A: That largely depends on three factors: our social proximity to the girl, how attracted we are to her on a scale from one...
A: First things first: if you've already gone almost a decade without a marriage, and your guy is one the record as against...
Q: How can I get my girlfriend to watch zombie movies with me?
A: There's always ether and bungie cords. It's cheap, efficient, and really lends the authentic air of menace you want when...
A: I'm not sure where you got the impression that guys don't want to have sex with cute girls while they read comic books a...
A: Why are you always asking me this? I told you, I need some space! Jeeeeeeeeeeez. If a guy actually uses the word "clingy...
A: I will assume from the way you phrased your question that you have reason to believe he WILL freak out at the prospect o...
A: Because he's having sex with you. You are his sex partner. Congratulations. The old chestnut about buying a cow when you...
A: Whenever your question is phrased like the topic of a Montel Williams episode, you know you've got problems. And in the ...
A: Well, the first important thing to determine is whether you are in fact middle school students. An easy way to figure th...
A: As with all of life's conundrums, my dear lady, the answer to your question lies in pornography. I've noticed this pheno...
A: Well, if you're going to take away my most powerful negotiating tool, don't expect a miracle. As a comedian, my first im...
A: I'm sure that when your ex presented the masterful idea that you--a recently broken up couple--should totally, you know,...
A: Subtly? Are you asking me how to subtly crush someone's heart? That's not something that's possible to do. It's like ask...
Q: Can a woman ever be forgiven for cheating, or is the relationship doomed from then on?
A: Relationships are the art of the possible, much like politics or eating at a buffet. Some people will be capable of forg...
A: Most people will tell you it depends what career you're trying to get off the ground. For example, if the career is pros...
A: Ah, losing Facebook, are we? Stumble upon an old flame, did we? Regretting past decisions, might we be? Inverted clauses...
A: You say your boyfriend is funny. As someone who has tried to be funny their whole life, I would guess that he won't say ...
Q: Will men always think farting is funny?!
A: NOTE: This question has been edited in order to properly conform to the standards of polite discourse. Look, not ALL men...
A: Classic. This is a classic example of this. Textbook, really. Here's what you do: make a sock puppet, affix a picture of...
A: In situations such as this, it's important to ask oneself: What Would That One-Legged McCartney Woman Do? I wanted to ge...
Q: Do you find a date goes better or worse if you use bad, yet funny jokes? eg. puns, sarcasm.
A: The fact that you qualify funny puns as "bad" already tells me you lack a proper appreciation of the beauty of a well-fo...
A: Wow. Okay, this is probably the easiest question I've had so far, except maybe the guy who asked if a curved penis is no...
A: A while back, someone had a similar question about asking her boyfriend to get rid of his dog entirely. If she's cold-he...
A: Whoever said "we must learn from history or we are doomed to repeat it" never had a girlfriend, because I swear to all t...
A: Oh snap, you've done it now. You've asked the question that forces me to reveal my patented (okay, patent pending) femal...
A: That largely depends on how your boyfriend reacts AFTER you go do whatever it is you chose as the evening's activity. If...
A: First of all, let me say that your boyfriend feeling hurt over a lack of sex having is totally understandable. Sex is li...
Q: Would you date a real-life vampire?
A: I think your question is really, "do you want to be immortal?" Because let's face it, if you're dating a vampire, you're...
A: Well, a lot of the stuff I said to the smart girl with huge, zeppelin-esque jugs applies, but less forcefully because yo...
A: I can't say no to a Venture Brothers reference, especially on the eve of their glorious return to TV. So, Walter, if tha...
A: First of all, if you're looking to move in together, be prepared for money problems to comprise roughly eighty percent o...
A: Okay, hard as it will be, I'm going to try and answer this question without focusing on your massive, giant, all-crushin...
A: Pets are tricky. Especially baboons. A baboon once convinced me to trade power of attorney for two coconuts and half of ...
A: Well, the good news is, your boyfriend's sensitivity implies that he actually cares/notices what his weight is. I honest...
A: I hate to cast aspersions on another dude, especially because I know that suspicion can ruin a relationship faster than ...
Q: What's your favorite funny movie to watch with a girl, or better yet, introduce a girl to?
A: The same movie I like introducing my guy friends to. The same movie everyone in America should legally have to watch at ...
A: The Recession is upon us, and it is a hairy, hoary beast. I don't think I've ever known as many unemployed people as I d...
A: I think the more pressing question is: are you crazy for marrying a guy you trust so little that you feel the need to se...
A: Unless you're willing to pull a Lorena Bobbitt, get used to it girlfriend. When that warm rush of water hits your bare s...
