A: Condom etiquette falls in the guy's court, BUT etiquette and reality are two separate things. If your man either forgets...
Funny Guy
Our Funny Guy is trained in the way of the chuckle, but worry not, the yucks are only secondary to the seasoned nuggets of truth he dispenses. The Funny Guy firmly believes that the key to a woman's heart isn't wealth, good looks, or regular bathing, but rather The Truth. And frankly the truth often hurts, not because it’s so mean, but because it'll make you laugh til your stomach cramps. No question is too great or small for this Sex and Dating Virtuoso. Fire away, and let the LOL-ing commence.
Recent questions answered by the Funny Guy:
A: Bad breath is a killer. Our noses can't tolerate what they can't tolerate. I don't care if your face to face with Johnny...
Q: Why do guys don't like me? I'm f*cking hot!
A: Hi Mom, I've told you more than once now, please write to me on my regular email. This is my place of work. If you have ...
Q: Can my butthole stretch from anal?
A: Not only can it. It does. If not people would regularly be walking around with gaping butt-holes, dropping poops out of ...
A: This question may be unbridled bullsh*t, but it is factually and emotioanlly possible, plus on second read -- maybe it i...
A: You're in a predicament and she's in danger. Unfortunately, both are true. If a man beats his girl he needs heavy, heavy...
A: A metric f*ck-ton is in fact an actual measurement. Here's a chart to simplify the mathematics: 100000 bunches = 1 metri...
Q: do men give better blow jobs?
A: I don't know. But it would stand to reason that, yes, maybe so. Women who've been with women usually speak about the pro...
Q: What about hugging shorter guys?
A: Phenomenal follow up to last week's question, how do I hug tall guys? Which was a segway of sorts to the question posed ...
A: This may not be an open/closed closet case, although I imagine some could easily argue that it is. Take for a moment thi...
A: You and your partner are allowed to have different life experiences-- I'd even argue it makes for a more dynamic and ri...
A: Being exclusive should not feel like a trap, it should feel like a treat - a good opportunity. Your question sounds more...
Q: How should I hug a guy taller than me?
A: Last week I answered how to bone a tall guy in the shower. Today, we take a step back from the waterworks and explore so...
Q: How can you tell the difference between a creep/smooth talker and a genuine/sincere guy?
A: Like a great counterfeit painting, creepy guys, at first glance, have all the markings of authenticity. They listen atte...
A: First, let's not assume we can know the fidelity of all people based on their ethnicity. There's enough cheating, lying ...
A: Reason 107 that parents suck: They are not tech savvy enough to hide their online porno trail. They leave giant cookie c...
A: As someone who paid their way through piano lessons by pole dancing at my local Chip and Dales chapter I can relate to y...
A: The primary function of shower sex is not to get clean. It's to get dirty. Hair washing, shaving one's legs, anything th...
A: Having two parents who entered the dating world after a 30+ year marriage, I hear ya' sister. I sincerely hear ya'. The ...
A: Yo, your man sounds like a bit of a Silly Billy, shall we say. His working logic on sexuality and the gender specific do...
A: Ladies, Being on top can be a very dynamic and empowering position. But, as evidenced here in your question, can also be...
Q: My vagina smells like champagne, any idea why?
A: There can only be 2 reasons for such a thing: One, your vagina is made out of a dry white wine and is currently fermenti...
A: It's highly clinical questions like this that have finally made me seek out an actual Columbia University MPH, PhD to co...
Q: notice others dudes checking out my body in the gym is that normal
A: It can happen sure. Is it normal? Let's explore first. For the most part, guys in gyms seem to keep to their own, or bud...
A: Does applying makeup make a woman shallow? Does purchasing designer jeans? Does purchasing designer jeans that are made ...
A: Tearing your family apart is only of secondary concern. The primary concern is its ability to tear you apart. Perhaps yo...
Q: I'm a virgin but my bf is VERY experienced. Will sex hurt him because I'm a virgin?
A: I'm going to assume this wasn't a typo and answer the question as I read it. NO NO NO, your vagina - - tight as it may b...
Q: What Does It Mean When A Guy Says He Got Baked?
A: Baked means stoned. High on weed. Marijuana, cannabis -- pot. Often, it's used by the younger set, teenage to mid 20s. T...
A: Yes. There's no other way to put it. And I've spent a few minutes staring at my monitor trying to evaluate if it's reall...
A: Lap dances can feel very different depending on the lap dancer's... dedication, look and execution. There's an enormous ...
A: A lot of men want hairless chests, so they shave their chest BUT then naively assume that you're not going to ask them a...
A: This question came to me in the form of a comment posted today on a past pregnancy related question I answered a while b...
A: There is some normalcy in that, yes. But, it's definitely on the high side for certain. Especially if 'sex partners' equ...
Q: How many dildos is too many?
A: Ah, the age old philosophical question" How many dildos is too many? Believe me, If Plato and Socrates couldn't figure t...
Q: What do 19 year old boys think about?
A: Rather than relying on my academic and historical expertise on this matter, I will do you one better, and temporarily un...
A: As I've noted before: If vagina was on the menu at a deli it probably wouldn't be a top seller. But because it is not a ...
A: Most men are aware of this potential, yes. A good portion of men, at one time or another, have dated an innie-nip lady. ...
A: It would be naïve of me to say different parts of the country, nay, a state or single town don't come equipped with thei...
A: Any one of the three facts you have mentioned could be enough to derail a good, new relationship. If it quacks like a du...
A: Literally terrified and sex don't belong in the same sentence, let alone the same bed. You don't need to make a declarat...
Q: Can a dorky country boy like a dark skinned completely opposite girl?
A: There are no stupid questions, but there are really stupid questions. And there's a difference. Really stupid means that...
A: There is nothing un-nice about slapping an ass. There is nothing inherently nice about a neck kiss is there? By categori...
A: Just another sh*tty part of the whole online dating world. One minute you're planning a sexy Saturday brunch with Brad2...
A: This depends. Are you bringing it up historically like "When I was younger I used to pick?" Are you bringing it up anecd...
A: Dear I'm not sure and too embarrassed to ask anyone, lol, Popping your cherry means, "breaking"/tearing your hymen. The ...
Q: i found condoms in my boyfriends car, we dont use them, he has had a vasectomy
A: Again, not exactly a question. More like beat poetry, but I'll take a stab, Jazznik. You are wondering if his car runs o...
A: Your Dad doesn't have an unequivocal License To Perv. Just because he gave you life, just because he taught you how to r...
A: Promises are meant to protect, but protecting something good from happening isnt "protecting" so much as prohibiting. In...
Q: I have a crazy friend who told me about a gay sexual practice called "stromboli". Is he crazy?
A: I am not a licensed clinician so I can't diagnose your friend as "crazy." However, I am licensed to use the internet and...
Q: Why do people stay married when they aren't happy?
A: Why do unmarried people in sh*tty relationships stay together? Unless there's a pie in the face moment of horror, status...
A: Depends how old you are and how susceptible to trends and peer pressure your man is. Did he get the Bieber cut last year...
A: There are a few reasons why a dude might call a girl by her last name. As you note, one of the reasons is in fact a play...
A: Man, your town is filled with some friggin' winners, huh? Well, I'm glad you extricated yourself from the toxic sludge o...
A: Flattery will get you everywhere, Mom. Thank you. No really, thanks. This submission tickled my face and warmed my knees...
A: As the great Bob Dylan, or was it Dylan McKay said, "Time is an ocean, but it ends at the shore/you may not see me tomor...
A: Somewhere between our hard to shake fear of having the folks hear us whacking off, and the fear of yelping something odd...
Q: What is your take on horoscopes and more so, horoscope compatibility?
A: I sense you're a Gemini, so I will answer your question. I get along famously with Gemini's and most other air signs. My...
A: My first question to you is why do you like him? I mean, sure, tell your girlfriend once in passing, "Joe is hot. Too ba...
A: Eight One to love and nurture One to groom for a life in modeling and show business One to master tennis (and or basebal...
Q: Do you like Flight Attendants?
A: Do you mean do I like them in terms of their function and duty or do I like them like them? Since this is GuySpeak and n...
A: Guys are loving yet competitive little creatures. We want our buddy to be happy, just not overtly happier or luckier tha...
A: Dude, your boyfriend is obviously of sound body, but I assume he's of sound mind too. I got news for you, if you've been...
A: This answer might surprise and bore you, but here goes. No Shave November is the brainchild of Frank Morton Gillette IV,...
Q: I have a few pimples on my back, do guys care?
A: Sure they care. Life can be cruel. I don't make up man's nature I just report on it. You see, guys want their women to b...
A: How about this; instead of taking a glass half empty approach to this, let's start with half full. Your man is comfortab...
Q: I got pain after my bf sucks my breast
A: I gotta be honest; technically this is not a question. It's just a sentence with nine words, but because I am a pro I ca...
A: You are correct; I do not menstruate. Thank you for making me publicly out myself. But, the good news is I know some peo...
Q: Hello. is it me your looking for?
A: Perhaps, You see..I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your smile You're all I've ever wanted, (and) my arms are o...
A: You "feel so horrible". That's exactly how you are feeling. And so that's exactly how you "should" be feeling. Emotional...
Q: How can i tell that my salary in not enough to live?
A: Obvious Signs You're staving off hunger fits by snacking on your own shoes laces. Your bed is in fact your couch and is ...
A: Yes, yes of course. Dog is man's best friend because they are mega pussy-magnets. Ever since the first cave man realized...
A: People use Facebook for different purposes. Some people use it to show how hot they still are; how much fun they're stil...
A: I'm going to go ahead and believe your story. Why? Because I'd like to. But I must say, I do have a nagging feeling that...
Q: My boyfriend wants me to take a dump on him. Why?
A: Just lucky, I guess......
A: Love is not enough. What's enough? Love, acceptance and belief that your partnership is not diminished but empowered thr...
A: Fulfilling my earlier commitment to back-to-back labia questions answered, here is my response to question numero duo re...
A: WOW, it's raining labia questions on GuySpeak. This is the first one I got. A few hours later I snatched another one. Ra...
Q: Why are the guys in porn vids so big? They look like it would hurt.
A: Dear Questioner, You've unwittingly answered your own question, in part. Most porn is male made and male consumed - Ther...
Q: I like this guy but he is married do i tell him or just let it go?
A: As an outsider, this is a philosophical question anchored by the same old saying "all's fair in love and war." If you tr...
A: In my heroic and celebrated sex life this has happened to me twice. Yes, both times were humiliating - to me, to the gi...
Q: so...what is the funniest joke you can think of at the moment?
A: A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Ay, we got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "Really?...
A: So your man's jizz makes ya sick, huh? Just the mere sight of his warm, gelatinous off-white gob turns your stomach? It...
A: Looking like a "hot 30 year old gal" is usually a good thing, but I understand, given that you are maybe a full eight ye...
Q: Home-made presents. Yes or no?
A: Big time, yes. Every time. Nothing says I love you like a home-made jacket or video console system. But seriously, there...
A: I'm not someone who often tells readers to "Caution on the side of paranoid" but I feel in this particular case, the fac...
A: What an adorable question. I'm not sure the venue this might happen in, but I'd like to believe it's at the recreation c...
A: Life ain't a runway. You're friggin' short and that's friggin' fine. Many, many men prefer short woman. You see, the cri...
A: My dear lady, if this guy went all "step back, sister" merely from you suggesting the "R" word, then there's nothing to ...
A: Sleeping in general is one of those solo activities we've sort of co-opted into a partner thing. Sometimes I find it str...
A: Air. Pressure. Release. Sound. This is the stuff of aviation. And also the stuff of queefs. Why does it happen? Two rea...
A: I agree with you. The toothbrush is the gateway item to sneakers, razors and then, him. What other possibility is there...
Q: Are all Irish guys drunkards? The accent is just so adorable...
A: Like any far sweeping question about a group of people, I figured I'd do my due diligence first. My research led me to t...
A: Intersting. I'm not so sure I'd agree with you. I try to side on the side of reality and truth. For example, if a woman ...
A: Aw, thank you. Who do you get?...
A: Yes, of course you can say you are a virgin. Rape is foremost an act of violence, not a sexual act. You were burglarized...
A: As I've said before, guys, like other humans are complex mammals. There isn't one definitive reason why a man would thin...
Q: Why do men cheat when we have sex 3 - 4 times a day?
A: Why do men cheat on Halle Berry? Why do men cheat when they can get laid right at home? Cheating and sex are not synonym...
A: You are right to think this situation is a bit off. The logical progression of a make out session is not nappy-nap time,...
Q: Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses -- true or false???
A: Glasses kick assess and are hot to the masses. Have you heard that one? I actually I just made it up. The old notion tha...
A: I love that you qualify this whole experience by adding the fact that this gentleman is tall and Scandinavian. I guess i...
A: Unless you're dating David Blaine or some sort of Vegas-penis-ventriloquist you can't fake ejaculate. The proof is in th...
A: I don't think you know what the term "jealous" actually means. You see, when you're jealous about something it's because...
A: Long term illness is a son-of-a-bitch on so many fronts. Often it's hard to even separate where the actual illness ends ...
A: You are right to question the merits of his "I love you' while his penis is submerged in the best feeling thing in the w...
A: Diapers and texts? What the hell is that? If he thinks his own flesh and blood doesn't deserve more from him, then, yes...
A: When it comes to sex, there's "incompatibility" and there's incompatibility. "Don't thrust so fast." "Why don't you ever...
A: Nothing says I want you like masturbating to girl-on-girl porn. That sentence doesn't make much sense and neither do his...
A: There are some things you don't have to have direct experience with to know something about: Is hitting a grandslam in t...
A: I've been brain chewing on a concept I read a few weeks ago: Life is about taking responsibility for things you are not ...
A: This means your man is being a dickhead. Either on purpose or somehow without being fully aware he is insulting, disresp...
Q: Is it wrong that i like to give rimjobs?
A: There is nothing categorically wrong with any sex act so long as it filled with shame and delivered with hate. I kid. I ...
A: There aren't that many solid laws governing Cougar Relationships. Particularly as it pertains to the men. I wish there w...
A: No, it's a sign that you are currently living in a period of unknown with this guy. You don't have enough facts or relat...
A: I don't wish that sort of damage to him or any bus, but I do agree with you that he is what's known as -- awful. I too ...
Q: Why do we make an Orgasm-face? What's the biological significance of the O-face?
A: We make an O-face only at orgasm for an obvious reason: it is too ugly a face to make during sex. A true, uninhibited O-...
A: I find that the other hole in the body -- the mouth -- is quite an effective tool in the realm of communication. Next ti...
A: Yes, you should be worried your fiance is only going to community college. Wait, was that the question? Let me re-read. ...
A: I can tell you this: 9 out of 10 times your acne doesn't come across as terrible as you think it does. But, I'm not goin...
A: This question might be a joke. Not because it's impossible for such a thing to happen. But I doubt that a woman would re...
A: When I read this I get more frustrated with you than him. Not because he isn't a shameless, emotionally stunted, abusive...
A: Once you decide you like somebody, there's a natural tendency to place that person in front of your friends and say, "At...
Q: Have you ever heard of skunking?
A: Skunking -- as I understand it -- is the practice of burying ones face in the ass of another. More specifically, "the sk...
Q: A guy i am seeing has in interest in men. What do I do?
A: Become a man. Short of that, you need to assess the situation very, very carefully. Your question was only 14 words so I...
A: I like your style, Anonymous. Taking the time to go online and ask me who John Holmes is, rather than Wikipedia or Googl...
A: There's nothing more cringey than a perfectly attractive, tall girl trying to play small. You see it all the time - cons...
A: A dating vagina, much like a dating dick, is the constant retelling of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. This vagina is to...
A: Unfortunately, it sounds like you are living under the roof of a woman with some real mental illness. I'm no doc, but yo...
Q: Is it safe to use anal beads and a plug at the same time? I can't find an answer anywhere.
A: Well, I'm not sure where you are looking for such answers: Ebay? Your mailman? The Oalkland A's Active Roster page? I go...
Q: Are "blue balls" real? And even if they are, are they really that much of an issue for guys?
A: Here's the thing about Blue Balls, they're like the flu and migraines. Real things that are used as a catch all to expl...
Q: Do guys care if I have a little hair in my a** crack?
A: Yeah, I think guys "care." I think given the choice of a totally unhaired assh*le and one that is covered in fur, they'...
A: I say it is a big deal. What has made you two friends for 16 years? Surely in part it must be a common approach to life,...
Q: Why does my Italian boyfriend yell all the time?
A: Different cultures, religions, languages have their own range of vocal normalcy. In Israel for example, it's common prac...
A: No, not too strange at all. Most couples that engage in sex consider sexual acts that lead up to sex, as just that: appe...
A: Ask a man why he climbs Everest and he'll tell you: "Because it's there". This logic, my dear, holds true when it comes ...
A: Well, I can't say for sure; I don't know how you're reacting. Are you taking an ice pick to his knee caps and sledge ham...
A: An answer in 3 parts & 1 bottom line. Some dudes are into labels and trends. They like a lady who rocks the latest desig...
Q: Why do porn videos always end with the guy ejaculating in the girl's face?
A: Because this is how babies are made. And above all pornography is a sound teaching tool for our youth. Or, here's anothe...
A: What a predicament. To make sweet love, or monkey pumping sex? It has been 90 days since you and your mate last mated. N...
Q: How do guys feel about outie bellybuttons?
A: Well, as you might expect, some guys prefer In-ies. The "hot" norm, I'd say, is a subtle-shell belly button. This is wha...
A: So long as pet names develop organically men are usually cool with them. It's when the pet names are dropped too soon or...
A: Comedy, nay, a sense of humor itself can take you quite far in life. It can take you to the brink of many good things, b...
Q: Why is there always a wet spot after sex?
A: Due to the laws of gravity; the nature of fluids; and the universe's goal to make you feel like a filthy pig after havin...
Q: How do you feel about a girl giving you a rose?
A: Girls giving out roses, whether it be on The Bachelor or at the beginning of a basic movie date, is fantastic. Men are m...
A: The words "ask for" and "surprise" don't belong in the same sentence. Much like "blowjob" and "hot sauce;" nothing good ...
A: There is really no way to fake an orgasm by way of blowjob. If a man wants to fake an orgasm during sex he can, provided...
A: Well, as long as you use language like "nag" to describe what you're doing you will see it as such. There's nothing nagg...
A: Your boyfriend's interest in having sex with you in this fashion is a result of one of two things. Both of which will re...
Q: Dude. My girlfriend is mad at me for something I said to her in her dream...HELP.
A: Dude, this is an interesting predicament you find yourself in. My advice is break into her dream tonight, wearing a tuxe...
A: Can a human being's life be fully realized or enjoyed without having a romantic partnership? That is a serious philosoph...
A: Two things off the bat strike me as very positive. One: you are already seeking counseling and being proactive towards h...
A: I'm not so sure. Have we dated? Oh oh oh, you mean in general how does one suck d*ck. Having been the recipient of d*ck...
Q: i'm drunk. why are maria and arnold dievoriciing?
A: I'm not drunk, but I'll answer this question. maria and arnold are dievoriciing, or "divorcing" as sober people call it,...
A: Well, there appears to be two facts at play. 1. You are seriously large, and 2. Your man is seriously into you. You are ...
Q: Why don't men perform testicular self-exams?
A: Well, I'm not so sure you can speak for all testicles and their primary handlers. To say all men don't perform nut chec...
A: A portion of guys in America will react to your arranged marriage home in the exact same way you suspect. They will scof...
A: Ain't nature a son-of-a bitch? Here she goes and gives you perfectly lovely breasts - "pretty nice boobs," in fact, and ...
Q: How can i make my penis bigger?
A: The easiest way to make your penis bigger is to make everything around it smaller: pants, socks, keys, cell phones, cars...
A: Yes, you missed something. More so his body missed something - a completion to his arousal. What you are explaining and ...
Q: What is the best way to hold a girl?
A: Girls, until the age of roughly 22-24, need their necks supported at all times. For they do not yet possess the necessar...
A: Guys pick up girls because it's a remnant of their fourth grade brain they can't quite shake. It's cave man short hand ...
A: Being a Cat Lady is not strictly about quantity, or ratio of Homo Sapien to Felis Catus. It's about obsession or as I li...
A: Your gut feeling that receiving half dozen squirts of warm semen on your face is gross and degrading is not so strange. ...
A: Of course it's reasonable. Your boyfriend needs to have enough common sense to understand its not about "trusting" him; ...
A: I'm sorry you were in a serious car accident. Its current emotional impact on you is a very common repercussion.. After ...
A: I love this question. You're stating with infallible truth that all men like large breasts and ladies that don't have th...
A: Dear Cheeky Youngin', There are 139 days between the day you posted this question and next Halloween. Or, if you prefer,...
Q: Has the down economy made you think less with your penis and more with your other head?
A: Well, not so much for me personally, but the sex industry on the whole has taken a hit straight in the kisser. People ar...
Q: What does p*ssy taste like?
A: Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens; Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens; As Julie Andrews points out s...
A: It's not the most romantic notion; I'll give you that. To have your boyfriend drop to his knee, open up a ring box and s...
A: Your amazing sex with this man is of no consequence to this question, but I thank you for the heads up. You have stumble...
A: Fatigue is the godfather of cock blocking. No, belligerent frat boy or needy friend holds a candle to the great Satan th...
A: Any time you work towards "getting" something in a relationship it sort of ruins the point, no? Gifts, material or other...
A: When times are tough at work and you don't know what to do, it can be for several reasons, so there is no one two punch ...
A: You, MIss Anonymous are very welcome. So glad I could help. Now, gain away!...
A: You're not sure you can take it, but your man seems to be able to take it just fine. Often the things we find nearly un...
A: Not in the least. Men think about sex for much of the day, and any visual that can help amplify that thought is greatly ...
A: Here's the thing about people: we can be picky and unrealistic. Anything can be a deal-breaker. Even "glamorous conditio...
A: "A few possibly used condoms"? Used for what? finger puppets? Transporting Red Bulls? I'm not asking you to start geneti...
Q: Am I supposed to be flattered when somebody tells me, "You're my stress relief"?
A: Unless you're a punching bag, tub of Vaseline or a pedicurist, no this isn't flattering... on its own. But it's importan...
A: I mean look, to an extent you're damned if you do dammed if you don't. It just depends who you'd rather be damned by: th...
Q: I hate people. Is this something I need to fix?
A: It's not something you need to do, but something you may want to look into. Don't get me wrong, people on the whole are ...
A: This question speaks to what I think is an across the board sentiment: As much as getting dumped sucks, usually dumping ...
A: When your name is Amit Wehle, and you're really short for your age, have thick unruly hair, rosy cheeks, long eyelashes,...
A: "One of those girls?" One of which girls? The kind that drinks alcohol, starts sweating, loses control of her bowels, go...
Q: Why do guys LOVE 69-ing? it's a hassle. how do i sexily dodge it when he suggests it?
A: As you've probably heard many times before, men are visual creatures. 'The 69' provides visuals that aren't available i...
A: Well, I can't insist you feel flattered, but I can weigh-in on the common-ness of this practice. Yes, it's pretty standa...
A: The quick answer is: you are what you eat. And right now, my friend, you are an omnivore. The longer (more thoughtful) a...
A: Well, that in itself is the beauty (and curse) of "hey, let's get a drink sometime." It can pass as a social hang, or a ...
A: At its core this really isn't a complicated issue. Yes, your husband donated a part of himself to you, but if keeping yo...
Q: Do guys like the fake eyelashes/ fake nails/ hair extensions look on a woman?
A: If you ask the average dude, "Timmy, do you like a girl with fake eyelashes/fake nails/ hair extensions?" they will say ...
A: While it's unreasonable to think married folks will never ever have crushes outside their sacred union, acting on them i...
A: For those of you uninitiated, the term Pegging -- as defined by renown sexperts, Wikipedia -- is the "sexual practice in...
A: "God, Betty. You're like a goat." One of the many memorable lines from Revenge Of The Nerds. Stan (the handsome king of ...
A: Well, good you asked then. By teasing he doesn't mean make fun of his penis, or rib his scrotum for being so veiny. Thin...
A: How do I get him to go to the dentist? Wrong question. Correct question? How do I get you to understand that pleading fo...
Q: What are the chances of a serious relationship developing between a stoner and a straitlaced gal?
A: A union of a stoner and straight-laced can be a great match. The perfect yin and yang or yin and bong as the case may be...
A: In some cultures and counties getting hitched at 23 is no big thang -- but for many, including the culture I grew up in...
A: How sweet of you, concerned for your boyfriend's ex girlfriend. Many guys and gals seem to have a look they go for time ...
A: Ex Sex is yay and nay. Temporary yay followed by longer term nay. We all know that, but at times we all do it. The lure ...
A: There is something called Premature Ejaculation. But there's also something out there called Misconception About How Lon...
A: It's time for you to reclaim sex. You are not a vessel for others to have sex with. You yourself are there to participat...
A: Being called an Amazon is usually a compliment. Amazons are she-warriors - females who command. In modern parlance the ...
Q: How should you act and what should you do the first time you meet his parents, I'm so nervous.
A: Meeting parents is scary. It just is. Even people with Smirnoff Ice coursing through their veins get a little sh*tty in ...
A: It is beyond me why Bloomingdales refuses to put their line of Anti-Boy-Pubes linens on the market. You'd think a classy...
Q: What do guys do at sleepovers?
A: Guys, regardless of age, do four things at sleepovers: Lounge, Lust, Laugh and Ingest. Here are 3 examples, with slight ...
A: Slow down, Recent Non-Virgin. You probably won't ever forget him, but that's OK. 99% of us remember the person who took ...
A: If you and your man are two consensual adults, you are allowed to get your sex on the way you see fit. Bruising here and...
A: From what I know about your man, which is only the information you've provided: he sucks. Not telling your partner you h...
Q: What do guys think of woman with a little hair on there nipples?
A: Being mammals, women are quite capable of having hair around the nipples. For many, hair is the bundle package you get w...
A: There is something to be said about making sure you've got some solid bread before slathering on the sex-onnaise. This g...
A: I am very sorry this happened to you. Please know two things: one, it's a positive thing that you're opening up about th...
A: You are not being irrational and you shouldn't be surprised it pisses you off. The explanation, in two parts: Part One:...
A: Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. While you've had longer stretches without stretching your sex muscles, the circu...
Q: What do men think about big-pussies?
A: Your crude and courageous question deserves an answer. Surely you are writing this, while in some emotional duress over ...
A: The crux of this issue is that you're subscribing to some nutty ideas. Your boyfriend's expectations of you should reall...
A: It's not an uncommon practice for a guy and girl friend pair to create a "just in case/one day" plan. A pinky-swear prom...
A: ONCE A HITTER, ALWAYS A PROBLEM. Writing to me indicates that you are concerned about this, and you are right to be. I'm...
A: Hell yes, it's upsetting. Can you imagine if nights you're not there, your man is F'ing his ex's anatomically accurate P...
A: There's no better research and training program offered to teenagers than their sibling's friends. Here, from the comfor...
A: We are living in the Golden Age of curves and big asses: The Big Boom of Booty. It's the pervasive aesthetic look across...
A: No, this is not an urban legend. This is the mark of a legend. A man who chooses to hold off orgasming, and then has the...
Q: What do you thing of farts in a relationship? Should girls keep their gas in?
A: Your question speaks to the idea that females and farts are unseemly. Should women be afraid that by coming out of the ...
A: Of course it's OK. Telling him you love him first, or even telling him you love him and not getting a response, doesn't ...
A: I totally agree with your assessment. Staying together for the kids is a ridiculous excuse and emotionally dishonest. If...
A: Your man's limpitude is the result of one of two things: Nerves: the nerves in his wang are subject to the nerves in his...
A: That is hilarious. I love that visual. "Imposter! Stop that woman, she doth deceive mine eyes" Fake tits: ah, where to b...
Q: Is it true that all guy's (semen) tastes different?
A: I have very limited empirical data for this one: A finger dab of myself, the 1998 cast of Saturday Night Live and a hand...
A: The proper time to tell him is 4pm. That way he will already have gone fox hunting, had his afternoon bourbon and read a...
A: This is a tough question. Mainly because it might be a goof question and here I am answering it. On the other brow, if I...
A: As the foremost expert on funny guys and funny things I will tell you this: he very likely meant it. Humor is often used...
A: Listen don't be hard on yourself. Balls are an insane thing. I myself own two and barely know what the hell to do with t...
A: Well that depends; did his first sexual experience involve him being anally penetrated and humiliated? More importantly,...
Q: What does it mean when after GREAT sex with your long time guy says "you're all right with me"
A: Who says TV doesn't teach us anything? If you would have asked me this question 3 months ago I would have told you this ...
A: I commend you for your honesty. This is one time where you don't want to adhere to the lovely motto: What would Jesus do...
A: Yes, of course it's wrong. It's like calling a "time out" in a wrestling match or screaming "do over" after a strike ou...
A: Weird sex faces are a lot like weird sex noises: they work lovely provided they are genuine and don't remind your partne...
A: Let me say this very clearly: in public, your crotch, vagina, etc. is not your man's wubbie -- his, plaything. Your vagi...
A: This whole "age gap" thing gets a ton of traction on our site. Conventional wisdom has people doubled over with fear tha...
A: Curious is one thing, terrified that your man's penis is a loaded STD weapon is another. This whole subject can be a di...
Q: how do i get my boyfriend to do anal?
A: Your question is like a riddle. I'm not certain which way is up. You don't give me many facts or even genders. Are you a...
A: Interesting question. I feel like boxers get a bad rap; there's something about seeing a shirtless man pummel another ma...
A: Hell to the mother grabbin' yes, this is cheating. Think about what you just wrote me: your boyfriend sent pics of his w...
A: Dear Ditched, You're suffering from what I like to call a big bucket of Poop Soup. That is to say you have a bubbling mi...
A: You've come to Guyspeak for what R. Kelly calls' Real Talk', and so I'm not going to waste your time talking about "ooh ...
A: My take is: that sucks. Building fake online profiles for the express purpose of spying and prying into previous boyfrie...
A: My Guyspeak oath prohibits me from any form of lying, including the little white lies that make us feel better. And so I...
A: This can be a tough thing to negotiate and falls under a larger umbrella I'll call: The Ways and Means of Shared Living....
A: Thank you kindly for bringing this absurd and positively idiotic device to my attention. Although I would hate to serve ...
Q: Waking a guy up with a blowjob - yes or no?
A: Ah, the ol' wake-and-blow. Before we proceed, I must ask: have you ever heard of an alarm clock? Alarm clocks are far m...
Q: Do men actually notice if a women has makeup on or not?
A: If you are one of those women who paint their face with an industrial size paint roller, then yes, hell yes, ALL men not...
A: You are not a misfit, and you -- simply by virtue of having red hair and fair skin -- are no ugly duckling. Ron Howard i...
Q: What does it mean when a guy comes over only when its dark out?
A: This can best be answered by YOU and delivered in multiple choice format. Take your time, work through the potential ans...
A: Listen to me, and listen close: don't stress your mind or jaw on this blowjob issue. One woman's inability to give a "de...
A: Hm. Sort of odd response from your guy. I have two theories: Theory One: You are a very large gal, he's a very tiny fell...
A: You, my friend, have stumbled upon a truth: guys have a fascination, nay, an erotic obsession with muscular, female thig...
Q: help me with my really big boobs plz
A: Your plea for help is noted. I hate to see a lady in pain. But what can I, a mere public servant in Guyspeak County, do?...
A: Dreams are a mystifying thing indeed. Far greater minds than mine (Freud, Einstein, DiCaprio) have wrestled with the nat...
A: Let's put it this way, if the vagina was a sandwich on a deli menu, it wouldn't be the top seller. Nobody in their right...
Q: What would be your favorite way to hear, "No I don't want to date you, stop asking creep."?
A: My advice is don't get into a back and forth about why you don't want to date him. Just state the facts, but sugar coat ...
A: In the not so distant future human balding will be a thing of the past. Much like the Soviet Union and hotmail accounts,...
A: Dear Terrible-Kisser-Fella: Kissing successfully is the mastery of LISP: Lips, Inside, Speed and Presence. Study my guid...
Q: Is it important to have a good job?
A: Wait, this isnt a blow job question? Ah well, I'll still answer it. It is important to feel like you have a good job. A ...
A: "Stay still?" Is he tweezing your eyebrows? Are you having sex in a hostage situation? Man, it sounds like your man has ...
A: Theoretically friends are not supposed to sexualize each other; friends we sexualize are called lovers, crushes or cousi...
Q: Do guys really think about other women during sex? Why?
A: Have you ever been caught in a rainstorm while thinking about sunshine? Have you found yourself eating cereal, but think...
A: Hot Lanta!, that is repulsive behavior on your husband's part. But before I scold this dirk, let me start by saying this...
Q: Are guys really weirded out by periods, or is this exaggerated?
A: Uh no, not an exaggeration at all. It's unseemly, like dandruff and goatees. In fact, I'm pretty proud of the guy race i...
Q: How do guys feel about "fat sex?"
A: My first instinct when answering this lovely question was to ask, "What the hell is 'fat sex'." But, I think I know what...
A: Super Bowl etiquette follows the same protocol as a party for the Season Finale of the Bachelor, or an Oscar party. You ...
Q: What should I do about my cat...she keeps moaning
A: Your cat is moaning because she has limited ways to communicate her feelings to you, but none-the-less is trying despera...
Q: How many girls does a guy have to sleep with until they are considered a man-whore?
A: The 2011 Farmers Almanac states: "A male may qualify as man-whore by meeting any of the following criteria: A. Sleeping ...
A: It doesn't have to mean that. You think it symbolizes that he doesn't love you, but what if it's the other way around? M...
A: A new move? Like what?? There are no new moves. Everything has already been done by ancient Vedic sex masters or Russell...
A: Is this OK? Is this OK? No, it's not ok. It's awesome. Do you know how many ladies lay there still like a mime in Times ...
A: BLECH EW YUCK. WOW! It's not often I get profoundly icked out like this, but your question is down-right pubic hair rai...
A: Music is a sacred thing for most people. Guys in particular often pride and identify themselves by the type of music the...
Q: Do guys ever check each other out in locker room or showers and are they open about it?
A: For the most part we don't, and when we do, we keep it to ourselves. Let me explain: Humans compare...everything. Logic ...
A: It seems you may be asking me this question because you already are experiencing enough of it not working. What do you m...
A: Before I get to the specifics of this "dude juice" question, let me start with the last part of your question. Should yo...
A: The idea of "league" can feel mean, but it also has its place. Alex Rodriguez doesn't play in your softball league becau...
Q: I heard of a game called Soggy Biscuit. Do guys actually do things like that?!
A: For those of you who are uninitiated, the proverbial Soggy Biscuit refers to a pastime, where a group of dudes stand aro...
A: Dearest Marie, Sure, guys care about nipple size. Humans can be some scrutinizing mother-F'ers -- some more than others....
Q: How do you tell your boyfriend he needs to lose weight without sounding like a bitch?
A: How about: 1. Dude I love you, but you're a basket of sloppy flesh? 2. Honey, I noticed you're a refrigerator wrapped in...
A: First things first: Your brother is suicidal yet "no one knows this." He needs help -- professional and adult; it's way,...
A: It is in fact true: booty begets booty. In other words, once you pop you can't stop. In other words, you've opened a can...
A: Sure, for some things. If you don't know your breast size you may inadvertently buy a 46 Double D bra when in fact you a...
Q: What is the maximum amount of nerdiness a girl can possess before the guy is turned off?
A: Anything under 1.21 Jigga Watts. - Or - In layman's terms, anything under a Kalimdor quart....
A: Heavens no, Dear Reader; if he's a drugged out, zombie-brained, frat-cat now there's a fair chance it can be outgrown. H...
A: Heavens no, Dear Reader; if he's a drugged out, zombie brained, frat cat now there's a fair chance it can be outgrown. H...
A: Sometimes a guy needs to reacquaint himself with his first sexual partner - himself. It doesn't make him lazy or a boob,...
A: Well, I think this is a fair question but I also think there isn't a direct one to one equation between a guys interest ...
Q: Men's opinion of a women in uniform? Stuffy or hot? Do tell.
A: Stuffy or hot depends on two things: Who's stuffed in it and what kind of a uniform? A hot woman is made even hotter in ...
Q: how do i tell my boyfriend of 2 months, that im 2 months pregnant?
A: First off, look on the bright side. This is an easier task than telling your boyfriend of 2 months, that you're 3 months...
Q: What kind of girls are teenage guys interested in?
A: Are you asking me this because you are a teenage girl wanting to woo teenage guys? Or, are you asking me this because yo...
A: I must commend you, Mr. Anonymous; Your candor in posing this question is rather awesome. You are asking me, in a public...
Q: What do girls talk about when they go into the bathroom together?
A: When girls leave as a gaggle and head to the restroom, they have one thing on their mind: engaging in passionate, acroba...
A: They say behind every funny guy is a sad clown. They also say behind every great man is a greater woman. So where does t...
Q: What are the first 10 things you notice about a girl?
A: When a woman of interest walks in a room, guys (even really really dumb guys) get this wave of Sherlock Holmesian deduct...
A: I'm wondering why you quoted "down there" and not "a little stubble". Surely we all know what down there is, but a litt...
A: First you limp to the side like your leg was broken Shakin' and twitchin' kinda like you was smokin' Crazy wack funky. O...
A: First off, your boss sounds a like a really stand up guy. Boning his employees, pulling their hair at work, ignoring mor...
Q: My man says I don't turn him on. What turns men on?
A: What turns men on? What turns men on is... what turns you on. Yup. Now, what I mean is not that Kim Kardashian's boner-b...
A: It's going to take more than a couple of days. Remember how you felt after seeing Katherine Heigel's '27 Dresses'? Viola...
A: I commend you for asking this important question. My sense is that many, many women find themselves in a similar predica...
Q: How big should a guy's you-know-what be? Serious question!
A: Ah. The question that has kept the ruler business thriving since the Neolithic Age. First off, "should" is a funny word....
A: Two to three times! That's a lot by most standards. Guy Standards for sure. Are you a pilot seeking coordinates from him...
A: The Authoritative Guide To Being A Man. Please Note: You are not a man, nor are you dating a man if any of the below cri...
A: The most direct way to go about this is rent the 1991 Denzel vehicle, Mississippi Masala. As we all know, it explores th...
A: Let me try to wrap my face around your query. Where can you find a guy who: A. Isn't on the dating scene B. Can't stand ...
A: Yes. I absolutely believe that. Those in the dating world, who have an IQ over 80, know how to let a person know they di...
A: Wow. To quite a few guys reading this (who play-the-field), you are a dream come true. You're like a girl saying, "I hav...
A: A few important things have to be understood: In our society guys are "supposed" to be taller than their ladies. It's a ...
A: Before I answer your question, I have a question for you. Are you sure the best YOU can do is date a guy (for over a yea...
Q: Why dont men answer direct questions?
A: Whataya mean? When? Why are you asking me this? Are you hungry? I am. I haven't eaten since, like, 5 today. And, that wa...
A: Your boyfriend sounds like a real ladies man. Does he use a fork when he eats? Does he wear shoes or just roam the stree...
A: So let me get this straight, you're saying he includes it in his laundry list of things he likes about you? "I like your...
A: Hmm. To tell or not to tell, that is the question. You speak of being shady and a free spirit. That's a big spectrum. Wh...
Q: where do guys like to best be touched?
A: Yes, when you touch a guy's wang or wang sack he's going to be pleased. That's what you'd expect. Everyone knows this b...
A: Libraries are old fashioned. You are correct. Good guys hang out at Home Depot. Specifically in aisle 6, near the route...
Q: Funny Guy - fill in the blank... Chicks like a guy who kisses like a ____. (explain)
A: Chicks like a guy who kisses like a sentient being. What I mean is, someone who is in the moment -- emotionally receptiv...
A: Yes, this very well can be the reason, but I can't say for certain as I wasn't there. How long was the audible on this f...
A: Something tells me you may already know what this guy is saying. But sometimes it's easier for someone else to tear the ...
Q: Why do men post photos taken in the bathroom on their dating profiles?
A: Excellent question. By "bathroom" picture, I'll assume you mean the classic, self-taken photo of a dude: shirtless, boxe...
Continue reading: "Why do men post photos taken in the bathroom on their dating profiles? " »
Q: What is a guy’s favorite sexual position?
A: All guys' favorite sexual position is The Reverse Cowgirl except on Thursdays, then, we all dig The Armenian Snow Pal or...
A: You do whatever you need to. You sneak into his bedroom, or out of the house, or drill a hole in the wall between you. S...
Q: How do I turn friends with benefits into more?
A: To do it safely--as in with no risk of endangering the friendship--invent time travel, go back in time, and set up the r...
Q: How much do guys actually listen to their mothers when picking a girl?
A: A man's relationship to his mother is a complicated, fragile thing, like a crystal chandelier that you used to live insi...
A: It means exactly what you think it means: he's not into you, never will be, and honestly hopes to live and die without h...
A: I HATE YOU. I'm sure you're a wonderful person, but I owe it to you and my gender to say that my first emotional respons...
Q: Is it possible to be in love with someone but not know with who?
A: Sure! I was in love with a weird amalgam of Mary Jane Parker and every girl in my homeroom class for most of High School...
A: We prefer to call it "The Dude-layer." It's kind of like the Teen Titans fortress, but more phallic and there's an Xbox ...
Q: Do guys really make fun of other guys for being circumcised or not?
A: If it comes up in a drunken conversation, almost certainly. But guys will make fun of other guys for nearly any piece of...
Q: Do you think a boy still likes you even if he pretended he never asked you out?
A: I think anyone who literally tries to retcon the real world is probably not ideal dating material. And yeah, if someone ...
A: I'd tell you...if I ever noticed such things. I think the tragic fact is that men notice what you're wearing or how you'...
A: Well, it'd be kind of difficult to achieve now that two of the Beatles are dead, but I guess the propped-up corpses of J...
Q: If you were a girl which panel member would you date?
A: Wow, that's a toughie. Each Guyspeaker has so much to offer; like a Whitman's sampler of pure blogging virility. Assumin...
A: Like it or not, you're dating a man with a past. People don't just mentally wipe the slate clean when they start dating ...
Q: Why would you stand a woman up?
A: Because I did some Googling and found out her last eight boyfriends were found in shipping crates at the bottom of the P...
A: The sad truth is, you may never know. Hey, maybe he seriously likes everyone at work. Maybe he's so full of love, he can...
A: Well, if they're really that small, it'd be the GUY who's working himself up over nothing, right? To quote the great Moe...
A: This is a really unfortunate situation, because while there will likely be fallout from doing so, I think you absolutely...
A: I don't know where you're finding all these mystifying, coy dudes, but I have the sinking feeling you may be mistakenly ...
A: Probably not. If a guy has actually stated, "I would like to watch when your vagina inevitably rips open to birth our hi...
Q: At what point did you realize you wanted to marry your wife?
A: Believe it or not (it's pretty believable if you have any sense of what makes a good blog post), at one of the absolute ...
A: Wow, your question was like reading one of those mystery books for kids in middle school, where at the end you turn it u...
A: Well, I can't quibble on the comparison; you've got us dead to rights. Granny panties are the conservative, no-nonsense,...
A: If there's one thing long-term relationships do, it's fall apart, then get back together, then fall apart, then get back...
A: Be like the Spirit; use your surroundings to your advantage. You're at an amusement park, so you've got a lot of element...
A: I doubt it. Most guys will take attention from a girl in any form, whether it be online, tied around bricks hurled throu...
A: Seems pretty straightforward to me. The guy either didn't think you'd be game for it, or chickened out once he actually ...
Q: Would you consider becoming intimate with your best female friend?
A: I considered it the instant I read your question, and for about three minutes thereafter. I consider becoming intimate w...
A: My gut reaction is to say that if "game" referred to sports game, then dump the asshole, but if it referred to Red Dead ...
A: Screw ungentlemanly, and screw feminism. The plain fact is, a woman is about a thousand times more likely to get raped/m...
A: I'm not sure who spreads information like that, but my suspicion is that it's either women who have had very little actu...
A: I know exactly how you feel. I'm constantly intimidating all the incompetent morons around me (I'm looking at you, Barry...
A: In my experience, muscular dudes are just like any other form of human...up to a point. That point is almost perfectly r...
A: Weak? There's nothing weak about standing up for yourself against abusive behavior. And to go through something so diffi...
A: Even if I could plumb your ex-boyfriend's mind for the answer, I wouldn't tell you. Because you don't get to know that. ...
A: Because he's a jerk. A turd-head. A lame-O. He doesn't imagine that you are a real human person, or that a Facebook wall...
A: I hope this isn't a very close friend, because odds are, this is going to be painful. Realizing a platonic male friend i...
Q: Does a kiss on the cheek from a non-European guy friend mean anything?
A: Almost certainly. In one sense, everything means SOMETHING. In another sense, any time a guy finds a reason to kiss you,...
A: I think it's actually in the weird middle ground, somewhere between a tramp stamp and a monocle. Which I guess it techni...
Q: If a guy gave you his number, how often should you call him?
A: I'm not going to give you a set number of times per week or anything, because every guy will be different. What I have f...
A: Wow, it really took balls to ask this question. I salute you, woman whose problem is too much free money. If you'd like ...
A: Sounds like it. Of course Paris is a natural aphrodisiac, so there's always the chance of a false positive. But if he's ...
A: Yeah, those are both good ones. You can also say, "hey, if a woman can fight for her country, I'm not going to demean he...
A: I'm going to assume that the fictional lass in question has either a stellar or at least tolerably average personality. ...
A: Absolutely. It's pretty hard to imagine yourself as James Bond when your girlfriend keeps shooting you in the face, or w...
A: Hey sister, you're not alone. If my research team is to be trusted, the idea of being shy and unable to charm the opposi...
A: First of all, kudos on the discipline there. Second of all, run. Run far, far away. Because there's a storm a-comin', an...
A: Why slip it into conversation when you can slip it into SONG? Guitar class is the perfect venue to gently let a guy down...
A: This is a tough call, but my gut reaction is to say let him do it, with the following parameters: it's smaller than a fi...
Q: How do I act around my ex at work? Should I say hello?
A: Ah, the aftermath. We've pooped where we eat, and now it's lunchtime again. Oh dear. This doesn't need to be painful. At...
A: Yup! Wrong as rain. Wrong as Wrigley's. Wrong wrong wrong as the day is long. Wrong-er like a dong-er. As incorrect as t...
A: I think your instincts are dead-on. Unless your friend is widely hailed as the town's biggest skank, his level of suspic...
A: Man, you "surprise people." I'll never understand liking surprises; I'm a man who would gladly read a book that laid out...
Q: My guy doesn't get hard when we make out. Does this mean he isn't that into me? Help!
A: While I can't tell you whether or not a guy is into you, I will say the the fact he's making out with you is a better in...
A: I'd say scrap the party. Or at least the surprise part of it. When you're returning home after a long absence--especiall...
A: Have you ever stopped to consider that the man may enjoy Previews? I love trailers, and if my wife tried to "release the...
Q: My boyfriend and I both prefer the same side of the bed. It is maddening. Is there any solution?
A: Well, you can do what my wife and I did, and get a bed made out of two left sides bolted together. Sure, I'm still techn...
Q: Why wouldn't a guy want to get into a girl's pants?
A: I understand your confusion. About 85% of the advice we give on this blog involves pointing out that however horny you i...
Q: How can I stop being viewed as innocent, stupid, naive?
A: First, invest yourself in other people's vision of you. Turn that into loathing, and let that loathing encourage you to ...
A: Never confuse strategy with lack of interest. Life is basically a bunch of people pretending they don't want to make out...
A: This week alone, someone's asked me to gauge the relative weirdness of spanking, foot fetishism, using melted wax during...
A: Continue living in the real world. Congratulations! Your relationship is absolutely standard in at least one regard: it'...
A: I think you may be on to something, actually. Which is probably just a terrible answer for you to hear, sorry. Still, yo...
Q: Is there a difference between having sex and making love?
A: The fact that you have to ask is a sad statement about the ineffable gap between genders. Although speaking of effable g...
A: After two weeks? Absolutely not. If anything, he should feel slightly presumptuous. Mayhap a gift card is in order. And ...
A: I feel your pain, sister. As the branded Funny Guy, the deepest relationship I can reasonably expect from the people in ...
Q: What is your opinion of grand romantic gestures?
A: That they're usually employed to make up for something awful, or by people in the throws of infatuation. That said, the ...
A: Everyone has the right to privacy, but if you're having trouble connecting to your boyfriend in the way you want, you ma...
Q: How do we get a stripper to have sex with us?
A: Practice, practice, practice! And money? And asking nicely? I'm pretty sure if you go to a few strip clubs with your guy...
A: Hey, if you kneel over in bed naked in front of a dude, you might as well hang flares on your backside and wave him in w...
A: First of all, let's go ahead and lose those air-quotes around "affair." You are having an affair. Sure, as far as affair...
Q: Why doesn't a guy like it when one of his friends dates his sister? Please enlighten me!
A: Because we have hung with that friend. We have had lengthy discussions with that friend about the things we would do if ...
A: Most guys will just be thrilled that the bra has been removed. Bra removal is one of the most technically challenging as...
A: On a scale from 1 to 10, roughly -2. A primed ladyplace is to us what the yellow sun is to Superman: a source of power a...
A: You will break many hearts, my dear. Guys, especially guys who are into you in a big way, are nearly as phone- text- and...
A: He wouldn't. Which means despite what seems to be, there IS a reason. It may not be apparent to you, or you may not want...
A: Amen, sister. I've actually taken to boning up on some classic works of literature while I wait for the missus to prepar...
A: First of all, congratulations on having the serenity and balance to ask that question calmly, rather than in a frenzy th...
Q: Is it okay to flirt with guys just for fun or is that considered being a tease?
A: Tease (N.) - One who flirts with guys just for fun. At least, from a guy's perspective. I can say without question that ...
A: Someone's been getting their dating tips from Deliverance! Despite what man-raping yokel inbreds may tell you, I think y...
Q: Do men seriously fall in love, or is it just some fantasy women have?
A: Whoa now. The glut of jokes I make about men being more sexual than women is simply an established rule of relationship-...
Q: When is too soon to make a move?
A: When it comes to making moves you won't regret later (like the recent move I made into the field of do-it-yourself fishe...
A: Look, I'm flattered, but you know I'm a married man. Also, just FYI, "kinda famous" is a bit of an undersell. It's cool ...
A: I don't know. All I know is, the radiance that effervesces from your heart fills me with wonder and a tender awe. You ar...
Q: Do guys get turned on when girls cry?
A: I think you're confusing "getting turned on" and "freezing like a deer in headlights." That thing where we stop whatever...
A: Who I side with on this one depends entirely on your relationship status. If you're dating, and this was a date, then ye...
Q: How many dicks can you fit in your mouth at one time?
A: I am SHOCKED AND OFFENDED by this question. I mean, how am I even supposed to begin estimating without more information?...
Q: Why do guys sniff girls' hair?
A: I really hope this question wasn't prompted by dudes always sniffing your hair, because if so I'm going to be involuntar...
Q: If a guy is constantly trying to tickle you, does it mean he likes you?
A: Any time a guy finds some excuse to touch your soft, supple flesh, it's usually a good sign. Despite the fact that rough...
A: Hey, this is Guyspeak; there's no such thing a question that's too weird. Unfortunately, there IS such a thing as a nipp...
A: Because dinner food rarely has high alcohol by volume. I mean sure, there's vodka chicken, but you've got to eat like ei...
Q: Why would a man say flowers are a waste of money?
A: Because they SO ARE. Look, if he's using that line to excuse a total lack of romantic effort, that's one thing. But if t...
Q: Why does the guy I'm dating shut down and give up after an argument?
A: Because he's just so very, very tired. Let's face it; by and large, ladies are far better at arguing than dudes. They've...
A: Yeah, straight up asking "what are we" is a little Melrose Place for most dudes, and no matter what you are, will probab...
A: In concept, very much so. When it actually comes down to delivering in a three-way scenario, it's a much trickier subjec...
Q: Why are men commitment-phobes?
A: The same reason planes remain airborne: beautiful, flawless design. We're built that way. Not to reduce men to a simple ...
Q: If a girl ask a guy out and he doesn't give you an answer, is it a good sign or a bad sign?
A: I'm trying to imagine how it could possibly be a GOOD sign. And I hope you propositioned him via email or phone, because...
A: Are you kidding? You have the one legit excuse, the single get out of jail free card (although I guess lesbianism is ano...
A: Hey if your husband's okay with it, what are you asking me for? Mazel Tov. And this is ideal, because I doubt your husba...
Q: Do guys like to cuddle or do they do it because they think their girlfriends want them to?
A: While constantly trying to guess what it is you want us to do IS one of a boyfriend's main occupations, I think most guy...
A: No more than it is to do it with all that junk on your chest, which is to say somewhat. Although like a duck learning to...
A: BECAUSE YOU SAID NOTHING WAS WRONG! Sorry, I'm just used to screaming that; hard to break old habits. The situation you'...
A: Well, a good first step would be looking up the word "fetish," which I have graciously done for you. Fetish (N.) - 1. an...
A: I doubt it. Most men, hypocrites that we are, find the idea of you being into another girl extremely hot. And I don't ju...
A: Yeah, "fuck you" is always funny. I heard Buster Keaton used to go around set saying "fuck you" all the time, but since ...
Q: Why is it that after you orgasm you have to pee really bad?
A: I'm never positive of the gender of those asking questions, but while I hope this was asked by a dude (because I've expe...
A: Evidence inconclusive. On one hand, a guy who just wants sex will certainly try and seal the deal on the first date. Alt...
Q: Do you really prefer me to swallow?
A: Nope. Don't care. Or wait, just to clarify: If you're talking about eating my mother's delicious homemade meatloaf, then...
A: Tell your friend it's nice to dream. Dreams are fun. But if everyone were in the same league, we wouldn't use sports--a ...
Q: does doing sexual things with a girl when you're not going out make you like them more or less?
A: Dude, doing sexual things with a PAPER SACK would engender a special affection for said now-unusable sack. The only time...
A: Abort! Abort! You're headed straight for that Irony-berg! See, not responding to obvious hints is in fact the most often...
A: How about "will you marry me?" for starters? If you know you're getting married in 5 months, I assume one of you propose...
A: The same reason I tried hot mustard on my eggs this morning: novelty. And much like going to a strip club, it left me wi...
Q: How do guys really feel about makeup?
A: We love that it works (when it does), and by and large, we have no interest whatsoever in how it works. I'm fairly certa...
A: If you can't live without having sex with women, you may want to upgrade yourself from bisexual to full-on lesbian. Or p...
Q: What do you think of tall women dating shorter guys?
A: As a comedian, I'm all for it. I was crushed when Flava Flav and that blonde amazonian woman broke up...although they we...
A: Before answering the question of whether you SHOULD, I'll say with almost complete certainty that you are going to. It's...
Q: what do men think about during sex?
A: Nine times out of ten, the sex we are having. In fact, let's up that to ten out of ten. The fact that you ask this quest...
A: Yup. Sucks, doesn't it? I don't think leg hair is inherently gross, but at this point we've become so used to your smoot...
A: I assume you're typing this on your phone from the hot tub in question: good first step. Typing sullenly while everyone ...
Q: When performing oral sex on a man, do they like it when their anus is massaged?
A: They like to be ASKED FIRST. I don't care how much you value spontaneity, going for the backdoor always requires securit...
A: Your boyfriend sounds like a chump. Not necessarily because of the situation, more how he handled it (like a grade-C chu...
Q: What makes a guy cheat? If my boyfriend and I argue a lot, do you think that will make him cheat?
A: No, unless he was thinking of cheating anyway, or a series of unlikely circumstances provides an opportunity to cheat th...
A: Oh God, please let this be a real question, because if it's not, then it's by far the most brilliant phony question subm...
A: "Is this normal?" is, as a question, usually totally irrelevant. What's normal? In Iran, normal is not dating until marr...
Q: How long does a guy need to date before he commits? All I am asking is for an engagement.
A: You are the reason men are afraid of commitment. All you're asking for is an engagement? All you're asking for is a prom...
A: If you're at a place in your life where you just want to have some fun, then what are you waiting for? Run over to his h...
Q: Is being called {wifey} a good thing?
A: If you're his wife, yes. If you're his date, his parole officer, or a genre of porn, no. Also, if he's capable of insert...
A: It's not that we like smelling like a new car; it's that we can't afford to smell like a field of flowers even a little ...
A: First of all, discount the dreams. Burn your dream journal, get a mind-wipe, binge drink until you've killed the part of...
A: First of all, make sure your expectations are normal. There's a wide gap between "trimming it up a bit" and "manscaping....
A: Chances are, nah. Yes, it's possible that he's having some deep, soul-wrenching doubts about your relationship, but ther...
Q: What do guys think about a girl who plays the piano?
A: Usually that she has, strong, dexterous hands and can liven up any party, provided there's a very particular thousand-po...
A: If you ask me, your boyfriend's nuts. Kissing's my second favorite activity, right before eating and after something I d...
Q: Female pubic hair...yay or nay?
A: I think it truly is a matter of taste (his, not yours; eating pubic hair is unequivically gross). Sure, there are genera...
A: If I were a cynical person, I'd say it's probably because another woman has entered his life, and he no longer needs you...
A: If what I'm hearing about the reliability of those systems (and the coming apocalypse) is true, then yes, he will at som...
A: Sorry, but what you're asking is by definition impossible. It's like asking fish not to swim, birds not to fly, or Steve...
Q: How do you like your blow jobs?
A: Like I like my coffee: scalding and delivered by a man in a paper hat out of a drive-thru window. With milk. To be hones...
Q: I'm a woman moving in with six of my best guy friends. How do I survive?
A: Wow, that sounds like the tag line for the really awful spin-off Full House never got. I can't tell you for sure how to ...
A: See, guys? Women are just as frightened of us as we are of them. Perhaps this is the opportunity we've all been waiting ...
Q: Do you like Miley Cyrus or Selena Gomez?
A: OR?! You're making me PICK?! Man, I have been WAITING for this question ever since I first signed up to write here. Are ...
A: There are two possible answers, both of which reflect rather poorly on the male half of the species. Either A) we can't ...
A: The human body is a truly remarkable instrument. It can regulate your breathing while you sleep, encode and store a seem...
A: Yeah, I'm pretty sure Cosmo editors ran out of actual "ways to please your man" some time ago, and have taken to inserti...
Q: What is the most awkward thing about being a guy?
A: Tragically (much like a dark superhero), the things that suck about being a guy are the same exact things that make us g...
Q: Is it true that guys can really "turn off their brains" and think about nothing?
A: First of all, in some cultures that's called ACHIEVING ENLIGHTENMENT AND TRANSCENDING THIS MORTAL PLANE. You talk that k...
A: Well, this is bound to be the least funny advice column this Funny Guy's ever written, but here goes: as misfortune woul...
A: I think a lot of guys (and humans, for that matter) see romance as very serious business. We all saw The Notebook. We al...
A: Exactly what he's getting. See--and this is a GROSS oversimplification--a man's biological and evolutionary nature guide...
Q: Is it okay to keep having sex with your ex on occasion, if the relationship ended on good terms?
A: Being able to have sex on occasion without having to be in an actual relationship is pretty good terms. So good that I q...
A: Yes and no. Yes, there are things we do right after a breakup, but they're only partly to cope. A lot of it is just a re...
A: The same reason guys love their children: it's proof that they've been getting laid. The hickey is a medal of honor, a s...
A: Holy role-reversal, Batman! Or should I say hole-reversal? No, I really shouldn't. I apologize. As a healthily perverted...
A: He still has feelings for you, and the thought of you having moved on with your life, or, even worse, letting another gu...
A: You're asking me if you should have someone slice into your body and insert plastic discs to stop your boyfriend from wh...
A: My feelings on this topic vary widely and depend on whether your boyfriend's a young man late in cutting the ties of ado...
Q: Is it true that a guy's pupils will dilate if he likes you?
A: Wow. I have absolutely no idea. I heard women's eyes dilate during ovulation. Do men ovulate? I should know that. Here's...
A: Okay, NEVER use the phrase "wear at a girl's vagina" again in any context. Reading those words in that order made me mak...
A: It's about time! Almost five months writing for Guyspeak and at long last someone asks me a question about something I k...
A: Large signage is good, and easy to see in low light conditions. Flares are useful for outdoor sessions, although there's...
Q: How can I encourage my boyfriend to go back to college?
A: I'm glad you used the word "encourage," because to be honest, this question sets off my "get off my back, woman!" alarm ...
A: I'm going to give you the same answer I gave to the question about going to Michael Bay movies: just stop doing it. Man,...
Q: This is my first time giving a guy a blow job .. how should I start?
A: Well, first of all, you should stop interfacing with a computer immediately and just focus on giving the blowjob. It's a...
Q: What do you do if you're Thirteen and haven't had your first kiss?
A: Continue being thirteen. Wait a few years. Play Polly Pocket, watch the JoBros and chill the hell out. Your first kiss i...
Q: how important is a good hand job to a guy?
A: Well, that's sort of like asking how important it is to be able to make a good risotto. If you've got a braised pheasant...
A: That largely depends on what you mean by "all the time." In the interest of helping you figure this thing out, I'm going...
Q: what kind of underwear do men prefer?
A: On themselves, anything that labels their penis in a humorous fashion. Failing that, anything that's been cleaned someti...
A: I hate to say it, but if this guy hasn't moved things into relationship territory in six months, he's not going to any t...
A: Hey, let's not pick on infantilists now. Your ex is just the way God made him. And God works in mysterious, mysterious w...
Q: What is your least favorite thing about women?
A: Aw, I only get to pick one? Okay, I guess I'd go with the retractable spines they shoot out when startled. I hate that. ...
A: For the purposes of this answer, I'm assuming you're, at most, thirty-five. Beyond that, the revelation that you're a vi...
A: Man, I could write a book on this. Although it would be a short book, and most of it would just be repeating: THERE IS N...
A: If there is, I have yet to find it. No matter how snugly you and your soul mate fit together, like two puzzle pieces cra...
Q: What does it mean when a guy tells you that the problem isn't you, it's him.
A: It means the problem is you. Or rather, the problem is his problem with you (ie, his deep and powerful psychological des...
A: When you've outgrown the bar scene and your work isn't particularly suited to love connections, it can be staggeringly d...
A: Well, there's always: I CAN C U. 0_0 And the ever-popular: LETZ MOVE IN 2GETHR J/K! Honestly, and call me old fashioned,...
A: What would the guy you like knowing that you like him ruin exactly? Him not knowing whether you like him? The non-relati...
A: When I read your question, my first impulse was to stand up like an asshole at a horror movie and scream "DON'T GO IN TH...
Q: Do guys get embarrassed if their girlfriends call them by "pet names" in front of their buddies?
A: It all depends on the name, the friends who happen to be nearby, your boyfriend's overall demeanor, and whether or not t...
Q: Is it okay to try and slip a finger up my boyfriend's backdoor while fooling around?
A: Honestly, you can figure this one out yourself. Just close your eyes and try walking a mile in your boyfriend's shoes (o...
A: Why would he have a dream about having sex with another girl? Because dreams are a magic fantasy world where your wildes...
A: I wanted to try and answer this question because I think I know everything, but I also want to say right off the bat tha...
A: I'm a terrible dancer. I'm not talking about your foxtrots or macarenas, mind you (as I am a certified macarena champion...
A: Well, if I know anything about child rearing, it's that having your baby hastily and against the wishes of your partner ...
A: If you've been screwing up the courage to make a move on this guy, it might be time to put on some strappy boots and nai...
Q: My boyfriend wants me to get breast implants but I don't want to; what should I do?
A: Normally, I try to avoid answering questions with extremely obvious answers. But as Orwell once said, the man who sees e...
A: Well, the easy answer is to convince your parents to scrupulously redesign their house's interior to exactly match the i...
A: No, absolutely not. Some men are in comas or have lost hands in explosions, and many are dead. Seriously though, I had a...
A: Luckily, the only virginal experience I've had was with a life-long horse rider, which as you may know, takes a lot of t...
Q: What if a guy stares at you, looks away, and then looks back and smiles?
A: Rarely do I get a question with such a straightforward answer. Though the male subconscious is a mystery as fathomless a...
Q: Do guys get turned off when a girl cracks dirty jokes?
A: That largely depends on three factors: our social proximity to the girl, how attracted we are to her on a scale from one...
A: First things first: if you've already gone almost a decade without a marriage, and your guy is one the record as against...
Q: How can I get my girlfriend to watch zombie movies with me?
A: There's always ether and bungie cords. It's cheap, efficient, and really lends the authentic air of menace you want when...
A: I'm not sure where you got the impression that guys don't want to have sex with cute girls while they read comic books a...
A: Why are you always asking me this? I told you, I need some space! Jeeeeeeeeeeez. If a guy actually uses the word "clingy...
A: I will assume from the way you phrased your question that you have reason to believe he WILL freak out at the prospect o...
A: Because he's having sex with you. You are his sex partner. Congratulations. The old chestnut about buying a cow when you...
A: Whenever your question is phrased like the topic of a Montel Williams episode, you know you've got problems. And in the ...
A: Well, the first important thing to determine is whether you are in fact middle school students. An easy way to figure th...
A: As with all of life's conundrums, my dear lady, the answer to your question lies in pornography. I've noticed this pheno...
A: Well, if you're going to take away my most powerful negotiating tool, don't expect a miracle. As a comedian, my first im...
A: I'm sure that when your ex presented the masterful idea that you--a recently broken up couple--should totally, you know,...
A: Subtly? Are you asking me how to subtly crush someone's heart? That's not something that's possible to do. It's like ask...
Q: Can a woman ever be forgiven for cheating, or is the relationship doomed from then on?
A: Relationships are the art of the possible, much like politics or eating at a buffet. Some people will be capable of forg...
A: Most people will tell you it depends what career you're trying to get off the ground. For example, if the career is pros...
A: Ah, losing Facebook, are we? Stumble upon an old flame, did we? Regretting past decisions, might we be? Inverted clauses...
A: You say your boyfriend is funny. As someone who has tried to be funny their whole life, I would guess that he won't say ...
Q: Will men always think farting is funny?!
A: NOTE: This question has been edited in order to properly conform to the standards of polite discourse. Look, not ALL men...
A: Classic. This is a classic example of this. Textbook, really. Here's what you do: make a sock puppet, affix a picture of...
A: In situations such as this, it's important to ask oneself: What Would That One-Legged McCartney Woman Do? I wanted to ge...
Q: Do you find a date goes better or worse if you use bad, yet funny jokes? eg. puns, sarcasm.
A: The fact that you qualify funny puns as "bad" already tells me you lack a proper appreciation of the beauty of a well-fo...
A: Wow. Okay, this is probably the easiest question I've had so far, except maybe the guy who asked if a curved penis is no...
A: A while back, someone had a similar question about asking her boyfriend to get rid of his dog entirely. If she's cold-he...
A: Whoever said "we must learn from history or we are doomed to repeat it" never had a girlfriend, because I swear to all t...
A: Oh snap, you've done it now. You've asked the question that forces me to reveal my patented (okay, patent pending) femal...
A: That largely depends on how your boyfriend reacts AFTER you go do whatever it is you chose as the evening's activity. If...
A: First of all, let me say that your boyfriend feeling hurt over a lack of sex having is totally understandable. Sex is li...
Q: Would you date a real-life vampire?
A: I think your question is really, "do you want to be immortal?" Because let's face it, if you're dating a vampire, you're...
A: Well, a lot of the stuff I said to the smart girl with huge, zeppelin-esque jugs applies, but less forcefully because yo...
A: I can't say no to a Venture Brothers reference, especially on the eve of their glorious return to TV. So, Walter, if tha...
A: First of all, if you're looking to move in together, be prepared for money problems to comprise roughly eighty percent o...
A: Okay, hard as it will be, I'm going to try and answer this question without focusing on your massive, giant, all-crushin...
A: Pets are tricky. Especially baboons. A baboon once convinced me to trade power of attorney for two coconuts and half of ...
A: Well, the good news is, your boyfriend's sensitivity implies that he actually cares/notices what his weight is. I honest...
A: I hate to cast aspersions on another dude, especially because I know that suspicion can ruin a relationship faster than ...
Q: What's your favorite funny movie to watch with a girl, or better yet, introduce a girl to?
A: The same movie I like introducing my guy friends to. The same movie everyone in America should legally have to watch at ...
A: The Recession is upon us, and it is a hairy, hoary beast. I don't think I've ever known as many unemployed people as I d...
A: I think the more pressing question is: are you crazy for marrying a guy you trust so little that you feel the need to se...
A: Unless you're willing to pull a Lorena Bobbitt, get used to it girlfriend. When that warm rush of water hits your bare s...
