Q: what do men think about during sex?
A: Nine times out of ten, the sex we are having. In fact, let's up that to ten out of ten. The fact that you ask this quest...
Funny Guy
The Funny Guy firmly believes that the key to a woman's heart isn't wealth, good looks, or regular bathing, but rather a great sense of humor (and lasers; chicks love lasers). After all, you can't really offend your date's nose if she's too busy shooting milk through it. When the poop hits the wood chipper, The Funny Guy is there to give you the advice you need in a way that won't make you want to drown yourself. And chances are, you'll probably get a few choice Simpson's quotes thrown in for good measure. So if you need a laugh, bundled oh so lovingly around a little nugget of truth (or just want to know which Seinfeld episode your situation most resembles), then you've come to the right e-man. Fire away, and let the LOL-ing commence.
Featured: Michael Swaim
Recent questions answered by the Funny Guy:
A: Yup. Sucks, doesn't it? I don't think leg hair is inherently gross, but at this point we've become so used to your smoot...
A: I assume you're typing this on your phone from the hot tub in question: good first step. Typing sullenly while everyone ...
Q: When performing oral sex on a man, do they like it when their anus is massaged?
A: They like to be ASKED FIRST. I don't care how much you value spontaneity, going for the backdoor always requires securit...
A: Your boyfriend sounds like a chump. Not necessarily because of the situation, more how he handled it (like a grade-C chu...
Q: What makes a guy cheat? If my boyfriend and I argue a lot, do you think that will make him cheat?
A: No, unless he was thinking of cheating anyway, or a series of unlikely circumstances provides an opportunity to cheat th...
A: Oh God, please let this be a real question, because if it's not, then it's by far the most brilliant phony question subm...
A: "Is this normal?" is, as a question, usually totally irrelevant. What's normal? In Iran, normal is not dating until marr...
Q: How long does a guy need to date before he commits? All I am asking is for an engagement.
A: You are the reason men are afraid of commitment. All you're asking for is an engagement? All you're asking for is a prom...
A: If you're at a place in your life where you just want to have some fun, then what are you waiting for? Run over to his h...
Q: Is being called {wifey} a good thing?
A: If you're his wife, yes. If you're his date, his parole officer, or a genre of porn, no. Also, if he's capable of insert...
A: It's not that we like smelling like a new car; it's that we can't afford to smell like a field of flowers even a little ...
A: First of all, discount the dreams. Burn your dream journal, get a mind-wipe, binge drink until you've killed the part of...
A: First of all, make sure your expectations are normal. There's a wide gap between "trimming it up a bit" and "manscaping....
A: Chances are, nah. Yes, it's possible that he's having some deep, soul-wrenching doubts about your relationship, but ther...
Q: What do guys think about a girl who plays the piano?
A: Usually that she has, strong, dexterous hands and can liven up any party, provided there's a very particular thousand-po...
A: If you ask me, your boyfriend's nuts. Kissing's my second favorite activity, right before eating and after something I d...
Q: Female pubic hair...yay or nay?
A: I think it truly is a matter of taste (his, not yours; eating pubic hair is unequivically gross). Sure, there are genera...
A: If I were a cynical person, I'd say it's probably because another woman has entered his life, and he no longer needs you...
A: If what I'm hearing about the reliability of those systems (and the coming apocalypse) is true, then yes, he will at som...
A: Sorry, but what you're asking is by definition impossible. It's like asking fish not to swim, birds not to fly, or Steve...
Q: How do you like your blow jobs?
A: Like I like my coffee: scalding and delivered by a man in a paper hat out of a drive-thru window. With milk. To be hones...
Q: I'm a woman moving in with six of my best guy friends. How do I survive?
A: Wow, that sounds like the tag line for the really awful spin-off Full House never got. I can't tell you for sure how to ...
A: See, guys? Women are just as frightened of us as we are of them. Perhaps this is the opportunity we've all been waiting ...
Q: Do you like Miley Cyrus or Selena Gomez?
A: OR?! You're making me PICK?! Man, I have been WAITING for this question ever since I first signed up to write here. Are ...
A: There are two possible answers, both of which reflect rather poorly on the male half of the species. Either A) we can't ...
A: The human body is a truly remarkable instrument. It can regulate your breathing while you sleep, encode and store a seem...
A: Yeah, I'm pretty sure Cosmo editors ran out of actual "ways to please your man" some time ago, and have taken to inserti...
Q: What is the most awkward thing about being a guy?
A: Tragically (much like a dark superhero), the things that suck about being a guy are the same exact things that make us g...
Q: Is it true that guys can really "turn off their brains" and think about nothing?
A: First of all, in some cultures that's called ACHIEVING ENLIGHTENMENT AND TRANSCENDING THIS MORTAL PLANE. You talk that k...
A: Well, this is bound to be the least funny advice column this Funny Guy's ever written, but here goes: as misfortune woul...
A: I think a lot of guys (and humans, for that matter) see romance as very serious business. We all saw The Notebook. We al...
A: Exactly what he's getting. See--and this is a GROSS oversimplification--a man's biological and evolutionary nature guide...
Q: Is it okay to keep having sex with your ex on occasion, if the relationship ended on good terms?
A: Being able to have sex on occasion without having to be in an actual relationship is pretty good terms. So good that I q...
A: Yes and no. Yes, there are things we do right after a breakup, but they're only partly to cope. A lot of it is just a re...
A: The same reason guys love their children: it's proof that they've been getting laid. The hickey is a medal of honor, a s...
A: Holy role-reversal, Batman! Or should I say hole-reversal? No, I really shouldn't. I apologize. As a healthily perverted...
A: He still has feelings for you, and the thought of you having moved on with your life, or, even worse, letting another gu...
A: You're asking me if you should have someone slice into your body and insert plastic discs to stop your boyfriend from wh...
A: My feelings on this topic vary widely and depend on whether your boyfriend's a young man late in cutting the ties of ado...
Q: Is it true that a guy's pupils will dilate if he likes you?
A: Wow. I have absolutely no idea. I heard women's eyes dilate during ovulation. Do men ovulate? I should know that. Here's...
A: Okay, NEVER use the phrase "wear at a girl's vagina" again in any context. Reading those words in that order made me mak...
A: It's about time! Almost five months writing for Guyspeak and at long last someone asks me a question about something I k...
A: Large signage is good, and easy to see in low light conditions. Flares are useful for outdoor sessions, although there's...
Q: How can I encourage my boyfriend to go back to college?
A: I'm glad you used the word "encourage," because to be honest, this question sets off my "get off my back, woman!" alarm ...
A: I'm going to give you the same answer I gave to the question about going to Michael Bay movies: just stop doing it. Man,...
Q: This is my first time giving a guy a blow job .. how should I start?
A: Well, first of all, you should stop interfacing with a computer immediately and just focus on giving the blowjob. It's a...
Q: What do you do if you're Thirteen and haven't had your first kiss?
A: Continue being thirteen. Wait a few years. Play Polly Pocket, watch the JoBros and chill the hell out. Your first kiss i...
Q: how important is a good hand job to a guy?
A: Well, that's sort of like asking how important it is to be able to make a good risotto. If you've got a braised pheasant...
A: That largely depends on what you mean by "all the time." In the interest of helping you figure this thing out, I'm going...
Q: what kind of underwear do men prefer?
A: On themselves, anything that labels their penis in a humorous fashion. Failing that, anything that's been cleaned someti...
A: I hate to say it, but if this guy hasn't moved things into relationship territory in six months, he's not going to any t...
A: Hey, let's not pick on infantilists now. Your ex is just the way God made him. And God works in mysterious, mysterious w...
Q: What is your least favorite thing about women?
A: Aw, I only get to pick one? Okay, I guess I'd go with the retractable spines they shoot out when startled. I hate that. ...
A: For the purposes of this answer, I'm assuming you're, at most, thirty-five. Beyond that, the revelation that you're a vi...
A: Man, I could write a book on this. Although it would be a short book, and most of it would just be repeating: THERE IS N...
A: If there is, I have yet to find it. No matter how snugly you and your soul mate fit together, like two puzzle pieces cra...
Q: What does it mean when a guy tells you that the problem isn't you, it's him.
A: It means the problem is you. Or rather, the problem is his problem with you (ie, his deep and powerful psychological des...
A: When you've outgrown the bar scene and your work isn't particularly suited to love connections, it can be staggeringly d...
A: Well, there's always: I CAN C U. 0_0 And the ever-popular: LETZ MOVE IN 2GETHR J/K! Honestly, and call me old fashioned,...
A: What would the guy you like knowing that you like him ruin exactly? Him not knowing whether you like him? The non-relati...
A: When I read your question, my first impulse was to stand up like an asshole at a horror movie and scream "DON'T GO IN TH...
Q: Do guys get embarrassed if their girlfriends call them by "pet names" in front of their buddies?
A: It all depends on the name, the friends who happen to be nearby, your boyfriend's overall demeanor, and whether or not t...
Q: Is it okay to try and slip a finger up my boyfriend's backdoor while fooling around?
A: Honestly, you can figure this one out yourself. Just close your eyes and try walking a mile in your boyfriend's shoes (o...
A: Why would he have a dream about having sex with another girl? Because dreams are a magic fantasy world where your wildes...
A: I wanted to try and answer this question because I think I know everything, but I also want to say right off the bat tha...
A: I'm a terrible dancer. I'm not talking about your foxtrots or macarenas, mind you (as I am a certified macarena champion...
A: Well, if I know anything about child rearing, it's that having your baby hastily and against the wishes of your partner ...
A: If you've been screwing up the courage to make a move on this guy, it might be time to put on some strappy boots and nai...
Q: My boyfriend wants me to get breast implants but I don't want to; what should I do?
A: Normally, I try to avoid answering questions with extremely obvious answers. But as Orwell once said, the man who sees e...
A: Well, the easy answer is to convince your parents to scrupulously redesign their house's interior to exactly match the i...
A: No, absolutely not. Some men are in comas or have lost hands in explosions, and many are dead. Seriously though, I had a...
Q: What if a guy stares at you, looks away, and then looks back and smiles?
A: Rarely do I get a question with such a straightforward answer. Though the male subconscious is a mystery as fathomless a...
Q: Do guys get turned off when a girl cracks dirty jokes?
A: That largely depends on three factors: our social proximity to the girl, how attracted we are to her on a scale from one...
A: I'm not sure where you got the impression that guys don't want to have sex with cute girls while they read comic books a...
A: Why are you always asking me this? I told you, I need some space! Jeeeeeeeeeeez. If a guy actually uses the word "clingy...
A: I will assume from the way you phrased your question that you have reason to believe he WILL freak out at the prospect o...
A: Because he's having sex with you. You are his sex partner. Congratulations. The old chestnut about buying a cow when you...
A: Whenever your question is phrased like the topic of a Montel Williams episode, you know you've got problems. And in the ...
A: Well, the first important thing to determine is whether you are in fact middle school students. An easy way to figure th...
A: As with all of life's conundrums, my dear lady, the answer to your question lies in pornography. I've noticed this pheno...
A: Well, if you're going to take away my most powerful negotiating tool, don't expect a miracle. As a comedian, my first im...
A: I'm sure that when your ex presented the masterful idea that you--a recently broken up couple--should totally, you know,...
A: Subtly? Are you asking me how to subtly crush someone's heart? That's not something that's possible to do. It's like ask...
Q: Can a woman ever be forgiven for cheating, or is the relationship doomed from then on?
A: Relationships are the art of the possible, much like politics or eating at a buffet. Some people will be capable of forg...
A: Most people will tell you it depends what career you're trying to get off the ground. For example, if the career is pros...
A: Ah, losing Facebook, are we? Stumble upon an old flame, did we? Regretting past decisions, might we be? Inverted clauses...
A: You say your boyfriend is funny. As someone who has tried to be funny their whole life, I would guess that he won't say ...
Q: Will men always think farting is funny?!
A: NOTE: This question has been edited in order to properly conform to the standards of polite discourse. Look, not ALL men...
A: Classic. This is a classic example of this. Textbook, really. Here's what you do: make a sock puppet, affix a picture of...
A: In situations such as this, it's important to ask oneself: What Would That One-Legged McCartney Woman Do? I wanted to ge...
Q: Do you find a date goes better or worse if you use bad, yet funny jokes? eg. puns, sarcasm.
A: The fact that you qualify funny puns as "bad" already tells me you lack a proper appreciation of the beauty of a well-fo...
A: Wow. Okay, this is probably the easiest question I've had so far, except maybe the guy who asked if a curved penis is no...
A: A while back, someone had a similar question about asking her boyfriend to get rid of his dog entirely. If she's cold-he...
A: Whoever said "we must learn from history or we are doomed to repeat it" never had a girlfriend, because I swear to all t...
A: Oh snap, you've done it now. You've asked the question that forces me to reveal my patented (okay, patent pending) femal...
A: That largely depends on how your boyfriend reacts AFTER you go do whatever it is you chose as the evening's activity. If...
A: First of all, let me say that your boyfriend feeling hurt over a lack of sex having is totally understandable. Sex is li...
A: Well, a lot of the stuff I said to the smart girl with huge, zeppelin-esque jugs applies, but less forcefully because yo...
A: I can't say no to a Venture Brothers reference, especially on the eve of their glorious return to TV. So, Walter, if tha...
A: First of all, if you're looking to move in together, be prepared for money problems to comprise roughly eighty percent o...
A: Okay, hard as it will be, I'm going to try and answer this question without focusing on your massive, giant, all-crushin...
A: Pets are tricky. Especially baboons. A baboon once convinced me to trade power of attorney for two coconuts and half of ...
A: Well, the good news is, your boyfriend's sensitivity implies that he actually cares/notices what his weight is. I honest...
A: I hate to cast aspersions on another dude, especially because I know that suspicion can ruin a relationship faster than ...
Q: What's your favorite funny movie to watch with a girl, or better yet, introduce a girl to?
A: The same movie I like introducing my guy friends to. The same movie everyone in America should legally have to watch at ...
A: The Recession is upon us, and it is a hairy, hoary beast. I don't think I've ever known as many unemployed people as I d...
A: I think the more pressing question is: are you crazy for marrying a guy you trust so little that you feel the need to se...
A: Unless you're willing to pull a Lorena Bobbitt, get used to it girlfriend. When that warm rush of water hits your bare s...
