A: Wow, that's a new one -- Mom needs to move in with the kid. It's usually the other way around, but these are the economi...
Wise-Ass
Nobody likes a Wise Ass, right? When the chips are down and you need advice, why bother asking an honest, objective stranger when you’ve got plenty of family and friends to coddle you and tell you exactly what you want to hear? Who needs the truth when all you really want is to feel better about yourself? A kick in the seat and a good laugh will ruin your little pity party. Besides, your mom and your unmarried 46-year-old friend with three cats and one ex-boyfriend from high school — they know far more about guys than, say, a guy himself, right?
Featured: Cary McNeal
Recent questions answered by the Wise-Ass:
A: I think there are two steps to getting over any kind of loss, whether it's a romantic relationship, a friendship, a deat...
A: What gives? You, that's what. You gives him chance after chance after chance, and he gives you the finger time and time ...
A: There are no stupid questions. Only stupid comments. Well, okay, there are stupid questions, too. But yours isn't one of...
A: Is it reasonable to want to know why he never called back? Sure. Is it reasonable to want to ask him? Yes. Should you do...
A: No, passing out during a blow job is not normal. Blame it on the booze. A guy will stay awake even during bad oral, if f...
A: Great. I'll alert the press....
A: Wow, what a douche move from a so-called friend. Yes, you should absolutely tell your boyfriend. He needs to know that t...
Q: should i confront my husband about catching him masterbating he dont know that i see him do it
A: He dont? What in tarnation?!!! No, you shouldn't confront him. What are you gonna do, yell at him and tell him to stop? ...
A: Why wouldn't he? I think it's a nice gesture. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean a person stops caring about ...
A: You can tell by asking yourself if there is any reason for him to fake it. Yes, guys will sometimes feign affection just...
A: I think, "There's a pretty girl. I wonder what she looks like naked." I don't really think about world religions when I'...
A: Why? If the guy is shy and not comfortable with a lot of public affection, why push him to do something he doesn't want ...
A: For starters, stop agreeing to go out with him if you don't like the guy. Your intentions might be honorable, but you're...
Q: I live in Alaska and do not live in an igloo. Alaska chicks rock!
A: Congratulations....
A: Yes, no sex is a deal-breaker for a lot of guys. But not all. There are men around who feel the same way you do and pref...
Q: my bf watches granny porn, should i be concerned????
A: That depends. Is it his own granny or someone else's? If it's his own, yeah, the boy has a problem. If it's just random ...
A: What's the deal? He's a selfish, immature twat, that's what. "Women are too complicated and it's too hard to get them to...
A: Hmm... I'm a little busy right now. Maybe later? thx p.s. You're a chick, right? Not a dude....
Q: What defines a woman to be a freak in the sheets?
A: Excellent question. I'm assuming you mean "freak in the sheets" in the complimentary sense, and are not referring to som...
Q: why are people so retarded?
A: Great question -- but a tough one to answer. Ask your mirror....
A: He really wants you to be his fallback between relationships. Or so it appears. Let's assess the situation: he flirts wi...
A: He already told you why he can't say it back: he's not ready. At least he was honest. Would you rather he lie and say he...
Q: What does "lady friend" mean?
A: It means "Someone I'm porking" or "Someone I'm trying desperately to pork in the near future." More than a friend, not q...
A: What does he mean by what? The "something else" he said? Hard to answer that without key information -- you know, like, ...
A: No, I don't think so. I wish I did, but I don't. What you're seeing is his guilt. Of course he cares about you; four yea...
A: Why does it hurt your feelings when you already know why he's grumpy and tired and it (apparently) has nothing to do wit...
Q: What are some signs that you should not marry your boyfriend?
A: How much time do you have? If he doesn't want to get married, that's a big one. But there are others: - He's already mar...
A: You'll play what by ear? Getting together in person? To me, "We'll play it by ear," "We'll see," etc. usually means a po...
A: Ugh. Relatives. What can you do? Can't live with them, can't kill them. Well, you could. How funny would it be if an unc...
Q: Ever doubt you were in love?
A: Yes, but I ignored those feelings, chalked it up to a bad day, and stayed in the relationship. Ditto the next time I had...
A: Well, you've come to the right place, because I'm the king of screwups, especially lately. So I know how you feel. Yes, ...
A: Oops. Well, on the bright side, you'll never have to wonder what "painting yourself into a corner" means. Unfortunately,...
A: Yes, it means something. Several things, in fact: It means that he is sexually attracted to you, so much so that he can'...
A: Not at all. That stupid, lazy, limp-dicked knuckle-dragger should know that such behavior is unacceptable. He needs to g...
A: I don't know, but it tells us something about yours. You don't want to be a hypocrite? Keep at it, because you're not th...
A: There's really only one way to make her stop. That's right: you have to kill her. Yeah, okay, bad idea. Stupid question:...
A: Is it normal? Yes, for a relationship that is probably near its end, but not normal for a relationship that you thought ...
A: Yes, here's a tip: RELAX. Unless you're dating Prince Harry or a Gotti, there's no reason to be tied up in knots about m...
A: For starters, don't tell him he's a terrible kisser, even if he is. Just tell him how you like to be kissed. Every new r...
A: Hmm, let me think. Okay, I'm all done. No. It's not okay to set him up. There's a legal name for what you're doing. That...
A: A lot of it depends on the guy and what he likes. Everyone is different. I'll tell you what I know and you can either de...
A: You're not alone. I see a lot of men doing stuff like that -- walking ahead of their dates, going first to a restaurant ...
A: Tell him to STFU before you whack him with your cane. Ha ha, just kidding. Uh...hello? You still there? Allllrighty then...
A: Nope. Not mean at all. Who do you trust to make the right decision about when to start sleeping with a guy, your own fee...
A: Sounds like a wrong number. Have you ever asked this guy who he's calling? The only other explanation is that he is insa...
A: What? Who gives a flying frak what people think? If you want to wear a bikini, wear a bikini. Have you been to the beach...
A: Mais oui! Very much so. Bilingualism usually indicates intelligence, and smarts are definitely sexy. Knowing more than o...
A: It was abuse. Wait, let me clarify. It was absolutely abuse. The National Institutes Of Health define sexual abuse or as...
Q: If your girl is 22 and has had a threesome and 12 partners, is that too much for her age?
A: I don't know. It depends on who you ask. But what you're asking for is a moral judgment, and those are dangerous (which ...
A: I wouldn't. But you're not me and I don't date dudes, so let's talk it out. No, there's no set time for a guy to decide ...
A: Yeah, that's weird and will freak out most guys you meet in a club. I'm not saying they'll run screaming for the exit, b...
A: Of course not. He's being a tool. Sure, it's nice that he says you're beautiful, but his actions belie his words, and ac...
A: Ugh, that's awful. I can't imagine. But kudos to you for being such a caring friend. She's lucky to have you. It sounds ...
A: I don't think it's a power thing. I think it's a he-doesn't-have-the-money thing. Now he's embarrassed and that's why he...
A: Sounds to me like you're getting plenty of input without my help. KaCHOW! But what the hell, I'll have a poke. I'm guess...
A: You can't "get" anyone to forgive you. They have to make that choice on their own. All you can do is take responsibility...
A: Yes, I do, because I've been in the exact same situation. It happens every day in the corporate world, and there's alway...
A: Has it been a problem so far? I guess anything could be a dating deal-breaker if the guy is weird or particular enough. ...
A: "I love you, we're meant to be together, call me in five years, goodbye." Hmm, you really think he'll be upset by that? ...
Q: Do guys enjoy sucking and licking girls nipples? Because it honestly doesn't do anything for me.
A: Uh, yeah, just a little. I say let him do it anyway. It may not get you off, but if it's not unpleasant or uncomfortable...
Q: Do you think that long-distance relationships are a good thing?
A: No, not really. They rarely work out, and here's why: a relationship is about spending time with another person, getting...
A: You can get some therapy. All 20-year-olds are insecure about something. Whether you're in college or starting your firs...
A: I'm not sure, let me call 1952 and see what it thinks. It's the 21st century. Some women cook, some don't. Some men cook...
A: Yes, I can help. Here's what you do. It's kind of tricky so bear with me. You might want to take notes. Ready? BE. YOUR....
A: Is this a trick question? No, he won't cheat on you, because you're gonna boot his sorry ass before he gets the chance. ...
A: Did you try getting him back? If you like him that much, why give up so easily? That's why you can't move on. You have u...
A: The first thing I'd do is put the brakes on any wedding plans. I'm talking both feet and the emergency hand brake, too. ...
A: Oops! Hey, we all make mistakes. Cheating is bad, obviously, but at the very least you are taking responsibility for you...
A: Forget about it. For starters, it's old news, and the statute of limitations ran out months ago. What would you accompli...
Q: My boyfriend is away and my nipples are in need of attention. What should I do?
A: Go for a long topless jog around town. They'll get lots of attention. Or slather them in bacon grease and go to the dog ...
A: He's full of shit. That's why he got offended; he knows you are right. Accident, my ass. He was showing off to his frien...
A: Yeah, parents aren't typically big fans of ex-boyfriends, especially once they become exes. My parents never cared for m...
A: Should you believe what, that he wants to change? Sure. Nobody wants to be a dick, they just are. They can't control the...
A: He'll buy you a boob job -- how very Cro-Magnon of him. Tell him you'll get one when he gets a penile implant or hair pl...
A: How old are you? I ask because I'm trying to figure out why you are letting other people make dating decisions for you. ...
Q: What is your favorite part of a woman?
A: Her heart. Everything else is gravy....
A: So many men? Who? Where? I don't know any guy who thinks Tiger is still "the man." Every guy I know, myself included, ha...
A: Without seeming rude? To the guy who blew you off for two different dates? I don't think there's anything you could do o...
A: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! Oh, uh, sorry. Just an involuntary reflex. I watch a lot of movies. Okay, you want the tru...
A: Yes. It's called fishing. He asks you out, but in a casual, non-commital way so that if you say no, he has deniability: ...
A: That's like asking, "How do I bring this dead person back to life? I think he just needed a nap." You are deluding yours...
A: I don't see anything wrong with it, but it really depends on your ages. If you're 15 and he's 30, yeah, that's a problem...
A: Nah, I don't think being a bad kisser is necessarily a deal-breaker -- IF he is open to some training from you on how yo...
A: Nothing. If you have already apologized to him -- and I'm betting you have if you've been calling and texting -- then yo...
A: What gives? I do. As in, I "gives" him a big fat FAIL on the boyfriend meter. Why? Because he's a f**kin' psycho, that's...
A: Nothing. You are normal. Why do you assume that not having a boyfriend means there is something wrong with you? I'm sure...
A: The rough sex was a little rougher than you expected, huh? Something tells me your experience is common among first-time...
A: Where are the questions about dealing with these guys? We don't just dole out random bits of advice here. We answer ques...
A: Neither. It means, "I want to pork (or continue porking) you without any obligation or commitment." He could be saying t...
A: You haven't been officially dumped. An official dumping would be if he called you and said, "Thanks for the blow-job. I'...
A: Could be one of two things. Thing 1: He's just being a guy, i.e. he doesn't like to text, or his phone doesn't have a QW...
Q: Am i too old to get married at 40?
A: Yes, absolutely. You're far too old. Ancient, even. I bet it was cool to see the wheel invented. Did they let you ride i...
A: Ah, yes, the Great Size Question, a favorite of insecure men around the globe. Nothing like being put on the spot, huh? ...
A: Get it over with? You make losing your virginity sound like having your wisdom teeth removed. What's your rush? So what ...
A: It means you need to find a new boyfriend if marriage is your goal, because I don't think it will ever happen with this ...
A: By not doing it with him in tow. I can imagine that dating as a single parent is hard. I know that just being a single p...
Q: How to tell my guy to go down for me..without saying anything
A: What are you, a mime? You should be looking for a new career, not trying to get oral sex. You could try sign language --...
A: Walnuts. Hands down. Then almonds. Then peanuts. Anything but cashews. I don't like cashews....
Q: My boyfriend is going away for six months to backpack and see the world. What should I do?
A: Tell him to have fun and send postcards. Then find other guys to date. What? You're supposed to wait for him? You certai...
A: Hell yeah it works. Most guys who know how to act and dress and groom even halfway decently have a woman to thank. Women...
A: Yeah, give the man a Xanax and tell him to lighten the F up. Funny you should ask this, because I was just discussing th...
Q: What do you say to a woman who hasn't dated in five years because she's afraid to get hurt again?
A: I say rub some dirt on it and get back in the game. You got hurt. I'm sorry. It sucks, I know, because I've been there. ...
A: Because guys are idiots sometimes. Once we have something, we tend to take it for granted. Women do it, too, but I think...
A: Hold on? For what? Halley's Comet? Call me crazy, but I think if Johnny Quickpants had any intention of taking you out o...
A: How do you know we're not telling you what you want to hear? You don't. You'll just have to assume that we are being as ...
A: Oh, lighten up. He's just kidding around. What's the harm? HA, I'm joking. Couldn't resist. Such is my nature. Sorry. Ok...
A: Why stop at three? Call him every day, every hour on the hour, until he capitulates and agrees to go out with you just t...
A: Hell no! You are being wise and trying to save a relationship that is important to you. If he had any sense, he'd see th...
A: Sacred advice. Nice. Thanks, I like that. Even if it's not true. I'm no saint, so it's more like damned advice. So here'...
A: I don't know what the deal is, but I can see how that would worry you. I agree that 28 is too old to still live at home,...
A: Hmm. Sounds to me like your +4 advantage has thrown him for a loop. Most guys aren't used to that; we're the ones who ca...
A: Masturbate. Early and often. Wank it, spank it, crank it and yank it. Go at it like a 13-year-old boy with his first iss...
A: Fair? FAIR?! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...
Q: How do I tell a guy that he stinks without being rude?
A: Wear a gas mask on your next date? Nah, I guess that's rude. What do you mean, he stinks? He has a gas problem? Bad brea...
A: It's normal. Guys like porn. Let me repeat that for the hearing impaired: Guys. Like. Porn. In fact, I'm looking at porn...
A: I think he needs to shut the hell up. Seriously. Or learn how to say, "I'm so proud of you for losing weight. You look t...
A: Yeah, I'm with you, he sucks. I know you didn't say that, but I am: he sucks, at least at gift-giving. Dude could've don...
A: Great question, Sophia, but not an easy one to answer. Your instincts are correct: you do want to be careful when you re...
A: Forgive him all you like, but I'm not sure I'd marry the guy. Here's the thing: everybody lies sometimes. Yes you do. An...
A: Thanks for the compliment, OlySky. I don't know that you're being harsh, per se. You have a right to be uninterested in ...
A: Well, for starters, most men assume that most women are already doing it. Yes, studies show that fewer women masturbate ...
A: It would've already happened by now. If there's no spark now, there surely won't be one in the future. And don't call me...
A: Well, you can take his gifts if you like, but know that every gift comes with a price. Remember the beginning of The God...
Q: Are large nipples a turn-off to guys? How common are large nipples in women?
A: What? Sorry, I stopped reading at nipples. One sec, please. Okay, I'm back. I think large nipples are like anything else...
A: You forgot "modest." Just kidding. Confidence is a good thing. I wish I could say for sure why no one's asking you out, ...
Q: What are good comebacks for snotty mean girls?
A: Let me guess: high school? Ugh. The best comeback is simply to ignore them. No, it's not as much fun as telling them whe...
Q: I am 23 and very attractive. Why are older men way better at sex?
A: Congratulations, and thanks for noticing. I agree with you: I think many guys get better in bed as we age, and there are...
Q: My husband of 43 years says he only has to be accountable to God. What is your take on this?
A: My take is that even God thinks your husband is full of shit."Only accountable to God," huh? Right. Does he say that to ...
Q: When and how do I tell my husband that I think he drinks too much, again?
A: First things first: if you aren't sure he has a problem -- you say you "think" he drinks too much -- I encourage you to ...
A: It could be any number of things. Did you call him "dad"? Did you talk about Taylor Swift or "The Hills" all night? Did ...
Q: What are your views on a woman with stretch marks?
A: My view is that she's a normal human being, just like people with birthmarks, crooked toes and hairy nipples. My view is...
A: Great question, and I'm not sure I can answer it fully, since it's been a while since I had to worry about condoms and s...
A: I don't think you should ask him. I know you are curious, but it's really not your business, and it has no bearing on ho...
A: Hmm. Maybe he lost his balls in the war. It happens. They say being ball-less makes lovemaking a challenge. Or maybe he'...
A: No reply in almost 10 days? Yeah, that's fishy. I'd be hesitant to make that trip. Even if he calls tonight or tomorrow,...
A: Because he was lying. Talk is cheap, and we avoid conflict by saying what we think others want to hear even when we know...
Q: He said he loves me after only two days of dating. Does he really mean it?
A: Yes, of course he means it. After dating you for a whopping 48 hours this guy knows everything about you and loves you. ...
A: You don't. It's not your place to convince her. She's an adult and can make her own choices. Yes, you're a good friend t...
A: Oh honey, you're way past hard to get. That ship sailed months ago. There's nothing wrong with getting horizontal for th...
Q: How do you make a guy regret not getting with you when he had the chance?
A: You don't. You get over it and move on. Life is far too short to waste your time and emotional energy trying to prove to...
Q: Do men like fake (big) boobs more than natural boobs?
A: Yes, some men do. Others don't. I'll never understand how anyone would prefer unnatural to natural just for the sake of ...
Q: How do i get in a guys pants?
A: 1. Have a pulse. 2. Be between 21 and 70. 3. Say to him, "I want to get into your pants." Voilà! Happy hunting....
A: Dear Jessica85,If I were a Magic 8-Ball and you just shook me, the answer I'd show you is, "Cannot predict now." This is...
A: Let's see. Your idea: 1) Is creative. 2) Takes a lot of thought. 3) Takes a lot of time. 4) Comes from the heart. That's...
Q: What are you really thinking when she's on top?
A: 0:00 - "I love this view." 0:10 - "Holy crap, look at those sweet jubblies." 0:35 - "Oh yeah, that's it. Keep doing that...
Q: I'm in college and want to be asked out on dates. Any advice for single gals?
A: Well, you're not alone, since probably 99.98% of undergrad women are single, and most of them want to be asked out on da...
Q: How do you ask a boy out even though he has a girlfriend?
A: You don't. He's taken. What's the matter with you? Put down the crack pipe and listen up. Leave the guy alone. I'm all f...
A: Child, please. Guys don't know that shit. Wear whatever you think looks good on you. We'll probably think so, too. If a ...
Q: I'm 18. Can I be with a guy who's 64?
A: Sure. If he's your grandpa. Maybe he'll take you to the big dance Friday night at the VFW. You're joking, right? I know ...
A: Too long for what? Wait -- we are talking about hair on your head, right?This is an odd question -- that's not a put-dow...
Q: What is a nice way to say no to a guy when he asks you out?
A: Great question. Let's start with some wrong ways. He says, "Would you like to go out with me?" Don't say: "Ew." "Why?" "...
A: That does seem a little soon, although you have to be flattered that he wants to introduce you to them. But yes, I'm wit...
Q: How do you ask out a senior girl if you are a freshman?
A: You walk up to her and say, "Hi, my name is ______. Would you like to go out with me some time?" Don't mention being a f...
A: Oh man. Let's see: Strike 1: He asks you to call or text him to hang out again. Huh? A real man will call or text you if...
Q: How do you deal with a boner in public?
A: I put a lampshade on mine and try to disguise it as furniture. If I'm at the beach, where boners can be frequent, I just...
A: Is it weird that you don't want to have anal sex? Nope. A lot of women don't like it in the pooper, and a lot of guys do...
Q: How do I go about telling a guy I like him?
A: The best way to tell him? Don't tell him at all. Show him. Smile at him. Talk to him. Laugh at his jokes. Ask him out fo...
Q: When a guy says, "We need to take a break from each other," what does that mean really?
A: Unless your guy is joining the Peace Corps and headed to Ghana for the next five years, it probably means one of two thi...
A: Hmm, I never really thought about it one way or another. I don't know many guys who would judge a date's appeal on how m...
A: Great question, guy, because if you don't do it right, you're just asking for pain.Here's what you do: find the woman yo...
Q: Is it a turn-off while making love if the woman sweats a lot?
A: What a hilarious question. Don't be offended -- it's a compliment.Okay, the sweat thing... I've never thought about it b...
A: He's not into labels. HA HA HA! Um, sorry to laugh, but his creativity is funny -- in a pathetic sort of way. We men com...
A: How do you know he doesn't still think you are hot and beautiful? Let's take a step back and look at the evidence. He ma...
A: Nothing. Nor should you.You can't make people like you. You can change your personality to fit what you think someone el...
A: They do? I have never heard of that. No guy I know wants to remain friends with his ex. Most breakups suck, and the last...
A: Can we please talk about this when I get home? Oh, sorry. Never mind. I thought you were someone else. Is not wanting to...
Q: What's the difference between "hot" and "beautiful"?
A: "Hot" is the woman a guy wants to pork. "Beautiful" is the woman a guy wants to marry. If he's lucky, they are the same ...
A: Indeed I did -- twice (here and here). Clearly I have an interest in the subject, so I'm glad you ask.I'll start w...
A: I wish I could, but you ask the impossible. There are as many theories about that as there are slang names for boobs, an...
A: Yes, he would. He's obviously not that into you. Sorry to be blunt, but that's my job.Look, a guy will find a way to spe...
Q: Do you care what type of car a woman drives? Would you approach a woman in a mini-van?
A: Who, me? Would I approach a woman in a mini-van? Like at a stop light or something? Probably not, unless I were cleaning...
A: I tried phone sex once, but it was horrible. I got my schmekel stuck in the coin return flap.Thank you! I'm here all mon...
A: Ouch. Sucks to be you right now. But you probably knew that already.Okay, look, you obviously have a heart and feel for ...
A: You're just saying this because I asked you out, right? It's okay -- I get that a lot. But don't think I'm giving up, be...
A: Before I answer your question, I'll ask you one: why are you friends with your ex on Facebook? What are you hoping to ge...
A: Sorry, did you say something?Hey, you knew that one was coming.Yes, some guys tend to tune out their wives and girlfrien...
Q: Do guys really prefer it all shaven off down there? What is too much/too little?
A: Ah, a woman's pubes: the endless debate. I was wondering when this question would come up. I considered blogging about i...
A: Interesting word choice there: shared. Like we all cook up farts just to entertain or punish the people around us. He do...
A: I think it's a turn-on. But then, I get turned on by bra ads in the newspaper, so take it for what it's worth. Ok, not r...
A: How can you find out what? Why she's texting him? If he has something improper going on with her? Ask him. "Why is she t...
A: I think she should go out with the poor guy. Clearly he's just lonely and needs to get laid, so she should just take one...
A: I think there's a typo in your question, Tracie. You say "men" but I'm sure you meant to say "SOME men." Ok, lots of men...
A: Good question, Daisy. I'll skip the Wise-Assery on this one and give it to you straight: I don't believe that any househ...
A: I hate to say it, but the kid was right: that f**king guy was making too much f**king noise. I could hear that motherf**...
A: Aw, aren't you sweet to be concerned for us? My disco stick thanks you. Yes, riding a bike can be uncomfortable for a gu...
A: Sure, you're within your rights to tell her that. You're also within your rights to kneecap her with a baseball bat. But...
A: Well, first you have to tell me what a disco stick is, because I have no idea. Hang on a sec. Ok, I looked it up. There ...
Q: if a guy really isn't "that into you," what are the best ways to tell?
A: Has he ever said, "I'm really not that into you"? That's one good way to tell. Has he ever said, "Ew," when you suggeste...
A: How do you know she hasn't asked me already? I could be as smooth as a baby's bottom underneath these leather pants and ...
A: You know how on TV you'll hear the sound of a car slamming on brakes and crashing into a wall whenever someone says some...
A: Easy there, Gloria Steinem. Let's not generalize, mmkay? Yes, the male ego can be delicate. Don't ask me why; it's just ...
Q: My boyfriend loves to cook, but his food tastes terrible. Should I tell him?
A: Yes, you should tell him -- to go work for Applebee's. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Thanks, I'm here all week. Seriously, though, ...
A: Why would you want to? I know, you want to be the most important thing in his life. And you are, most likely. But you ar...
A: Thanks for the question. I can help, as I've been dumped a time or two myself. I know, I know, hard to believe, isn't it...
A: Thanks for the question, Amy. I have an answer for you. In fact, it's easy: just remind your husband of the activity tha...
