The worst thing about seeing family over the holidays–besides having to see family over the holidays–are the dumb, offensive questions you’ll be asked by people you only see once a year who, because they are related to you, still think they have the right to question the most personal aspects of your life. Even worse is that you are usually caught off guard and only think of a snappy comeback to these ridiculous queries hours later in the car or on the plane home.
This is where I come in. More holidays are right around the corner, and the Wise-Ass wants you to be prepared with some wise-assified comebacks for people who ask about things that are none of their damn business. I don’t mean to cause trouble in your family, but I do want to help you give nosy relatives a reason to think twice before asking you intrusive questions. I mean questions like these, which I offer with some suggested replies:
When are you going to settle down and get married?
I’m settled just fine without being married.
Right before I shoot myself in the face.
Why? Are you worried that I’m gay?
Did you lose weight?
No, I just stopped carrying around people’s criticisms.
Maybe. I just took a colossal dump in there.
Yes. 200 pounds. I got divorced.
When are you having another baby?
I don’t know, but please feel free to ask me any questions you want about my sex life.
Not until my vagina heals up from the last one. I still don’t pee right.
Why? You wanna buy it?
How come we never see you anymore?
Because I hate being here.
Because every time I’m here, people ask me stupid questions.
Because I see you first.
Do you ever hear from (former bf, gf, partner, spouse)? I really liked him/her.
Yeah, I know you did. Don’t worry, you weren’t the only one he fooled.
You did? He’s available! I’ll put in a good word for you.
You mean the guy who cheated on me, stole all my money, ruined my credit, and tried to kill me? Yes, we’re still great friends.
You’re still breastfeeding?
No, I’m just horny.
Why, you hungry?
No, my tit was hot so I whipped it out to cool off.
What did you do to your hair?
Lice. Wanna see?
I know! Isn’t it fabulous?
It’s called a haircut. Do they not have those where you live?
When are you going to get a real job?
And give up sitting around all day smoking dope and masturbating?
When someone convinces me that the world needs more accountants and kids can raise themselves.
I have a real job, thanks. It’s called motherhood.
Your turn. What stupid questions do you get at family holidays and how do you plan to answer them?
Many thanks to Anastasia, Daisy, Chi Chi, Lindsey, Angela, Rachael, Kate, Hannah, Cyndi, Joe, Sheila, Sophie, Crystal, Karen, Sarah, Jolene, Gianna, Laurie, Emmi, Gail, Teresa, Blithe, Tom, Amy, Anthony, Christy, Emmi, Liz, and Cindy for their ideas.