All guys do it. We see you with some loser and think to ourselves, “What’s she doing with him?” Is it jealousy? Of course. Sue us, we’re human. We just don’t understand why a nice girl like you would stay with a jackass like these guys.
1) THE DOUCHEBAG
Douchebags come in all varieties, but picture a guy who’s too tan, too coiffed, and dresses too much like a South Beach gigolo. Overconfident and smug, the douchebag might love you, but there’s someone he loves more: himself.
2) EL BURPO, THE DRUNK
Maybe it’s leftover from your babysitting days, but some women seem to enjoy taking care of a guy who doesn’t know when to say when. By 9, he’s a barrel of laughs. By 10, he’s loud and a little too pissed about the score of the game on TV. By 11, he’s wasted and you leave before they toss you. By 12, you pull over so he can barf by the highway. Is this your idea of fun? Because it will happen again next weekend.
We know some women like older guys, but damn, are you dating your dad? Then who’s that windbreaker-wearing, Old Spice-smelling, Cadillac-driving jeter we saw you with at Red Lobster? Did you get the senior discount?
4) BOYFRIEND IN THE CLOSET
That guy you’re with — he’s gay, ya know. You may not know it, and he may not know it, but trust us, there’s an identity crisis in his near future, and when it’s over, he’ll be batting for the other team. That makes you a Beard-In-Training.
5) MASTER AND COMMANDER
A guy who knows what he wants is one thing, but a guy who dictates what you want is another. He tells you where to go, when to be there, how to dress, which car to buy, why you picked the wrong career and which girlfriends you should dump because they’re no good for you (i.e. he doesn’t like them). Dump him instead.
6) CHRIS FARLEY
Do you really like ‘em fat and sloppy, or is this just a pity date? Here’s a napkin — wipe that mustard off his pants.
7) THE PSYCHO
It was totally your fault that you were late for the party. How do we know? Because we listened to him berate you for 20 minutes. And that’s in public. We shudder to think how he treats you in private.
8) SIR CLINGS-A-LOT
Isn’t it nice to be wanted? Sure, until you get tired of having his arms on you every minute of every date, or when you don’t go out with your girlfriends because he makes you feel guilty for leaving him at home alone. He needs a teddy bear, not a girlfriend.
No, he doesn’t want to go out to dinner (too expensive), or to a club (too crowded), or to a movie (they all suck). Everyone is stupid and they all get on his nerves. We can see why you date him.