Know what’s great about getting older? Not much. But aging does have its perks, and I don’t mean 10% off at Picadilly. I said older, not old, buttmunch! I’m still young enough to have a ten-year-old, so don’t sign me up for AARP just yet. Still, I’m not getting any younger. Neither are you, though, so don’t laugh.
We’re all aging, but here’s some good news for the men out there in particular, a little something special you can look forward to later called women of a certain age. (Notice I didn’t use the “O” word that rhymes with “bolder.” I mean women of a certain age. Interpret that however you like.)
What’s so great about women of a certain age (WOACA)? With all due respect to Ben Franklin and Frank Kaiser, both authors of similar pieces about women–one (Kaiser’s) erroneously attributed to Andy Rooney–and both of whom have provided me with inspiration and material to steal borrow, I will tell you.
WOACA will never ask you what you’re thinking. They don’t care what you’re thinking. If it’s important enough, you will speak up, and if you don’t, it’s your own fault.
WOACA don’t mince words and they don’t have time for games. If you’re a
jerk, they’ll tell you. If you’re full of shit, they’ll tell you. If you
are wasting their time, they’ll point you to the door. But if they like
you, they will ask you out or get you to ask them out and make you think it was your idea.
WOACA have high expectations of the opposite sex. Only a fool would consider that a bad thing.
WOACA know what they want and they know how to get it, usually before
you realize they wanted it or got it.
WOACA are generous with praise. They know what it’s like to be underappreciated. They won’t blow happy up your butt, though. If you get a compliment, it’s sincere.
WOACA have dignity. They won’t get into a screaming match with you in
the middle of a fancy restaurant. They will wait until you get home and
go to sleep, then cut your dick off.
WOACA are fiercely loyal to and protective of their friends. In fact, they like their friends better than you. Don’t take it personally.
WOACA don’t obsess about their bodies like younger women do. A sag here, a stretch mark there, a bunion or a mole or body hair? Don’t look at it if it bothers you.
WOACA are psychic. You don’t have to confess your sins. They already know.
WOACA are more experienced in the bedroom. Be glad, my brothers. Virgins are overrated.
WOACA are versatile: they can exhort, persuade, nurture or kick you in the ass with equal skill.
WOACA have seen it all and done things you haven’t. They’ve fought wars. They’ve saved nations. They’ve held families together. They’ve raised kids, often alone. They’ve carried other human beings in their guts for the better part of a year and squeezed them out of their bodies. They’ve juggled work and home. They’ve loved, lost and then loved again, refusing to give up or lay down or let life get the better of them.
I don’t know why women of a certain age are diminished in our society, but it’s a shame and a crime. I have a wife, sisters and many friends who are WOACA, and they are the strongest and wisest people I know. I am a better person because of them. So are you.